Have you been trying to figure out why it's so difficult to forgive yourself?
Well watch. I got some training here for you that's going to help make a big
difference.
Hey it's Kirk Duncan and we're talking today about why it's so tough to forgive
yourself and literally keep moving. Because forgiveness is still a pretty
tough topic for people to understand. What it is and how it works. And it's
because they don't understand the number 1 step. You know, many times people will
think that they've done forgiveness or they think they've walked themselves
through forgiveness. But now, you know, days later, weeks later, sometimes even
months and years later, they still have not let it go. And you know what that's
like. That's why you're watching this because you know there's something
you've missed in the process of really letting go of what happened. And so, I
I want to help you today with some different points here that I've
discovered in my own life that's made a difference about, you know, how to forgive
myself and really can really move on. But not to dishonor people or to try to, you
know, make myself not accountable. Because people try a lot of different ways to
try to move through forgiveness. And they try to like, you know, not be responsible
or we can accountable for it. That's the only way they can let go of it. They just
don't know the steps. So, I want to talk to you first about the number 1 step.
And then I want to show you the rest of the story that really what it takes to
be able to forgive and move on. Because if you don't forgive yourself, when we
don't forgive ourselves, it stacks up and literally creates a wall in front of
your heart. It's how walls get built. They're stacked
up brick by brick, moment by moment where we don't truly forgive ourselves or
forgive other people. Now, we've got ourselves a wall. Then that wall keeps
building up and then it blocks our voice, vocal cords. Then the wall keys building
up, now it's blocking our vision. Then it stacks up and it blocks our thoughts. And
you literally get shut down. So, if you don't learn how to forgive yourself, you
are on a path of shutting down. Or maybe you already in the place of
shutting down and you're trying to figure out how to disassemble this, so
you can get back to moving again. But it's where heart walls come from, loss of
voice, loss of vision and loss of thinking. But the number 1 step
in forgiveness is literally, "How you see yourself?" This right here is called the
screen of the mind. Inside your mind, you have a place, which is I'm just going to
call it the screen of the mind. Where you have an image of yourself. How you see
yourself. In that same image, also how you see how other people see you. There's 2
points of view here. And there's a point of view about how you see yourself and
how you're perceiving other people are seeing you. Now, that image, like just
anything, you know, you've heard the saying a picture is worth a thousand
words? Well, this image you have of self and
your perceived story that you have of what other people see in you, there's a
thousand words in there. There's a whole bunch of a description here that creates
a story. And this image you have of yourself, if that image doesn't change,
you won't forgive yourself. You still are seeing yourself as the person who made a
mistake. You're still seeing the mistake splattered all over this. And it really,
it taints the picture in the screen of your mind. I'm just going to put this
splatter in here. That's the mistake that you made. And that's just one, right? It's
just one mistake. But it puts a splattering on this picture.
And most people don't know how to get in there and change that, so that you can
move forward. Because we all make mistakes. I make mistakes. Over here I got
my team. There may... Have you ever made a mistake before? You've made a mistake?
What about you? Oh he's made a ton of mistakes. So, they need help, I
need help, you need help. So, you're not alone, we all make mistakes
but what do we do with that mistake? Well, when we make the mistake, we had this
image of ourself and that creates a story because something happened. And so,
let me give you an example of what recent mistake I have made.
I'm just a walking mistake sometimes. I'm fleshy, I'm a man. You know, as I make
mistakes. The other day, I was under pressure about something, at a deadline. And
Kim come walking into my office and she asked a really simple question. And I
turned around and I said the answer to the question but is really, really
intense to her. And I was really short and I was really intense with her. And it
wasn't to her, I was... I had a deadline. I'm trying to get something done. And she was
just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. And I was really
intense with her and I literally saw on her face, like all the her natural
liveliness just like drain out of her body. And she just turned around and
walked out of my office. Oh man! There's the last thing you want
to see as a husband is to see your wife, you know, just like, just shrink
right in front of you. And I could tell I hurt her with that intensity. And it's
like I... Because I was just a matter of words. I answered your question but it's
really short and blunt right at her. Well, she walked out and I could hear her walk
in her office but then she left her office and went in the bedroom. And I
could tell I made a mistake. I've hurt her with that intensity. And so, I'm
sitting there and while I'm sitting there, I get this glitch on my
screen in my mind of how I see myself. And immediately this story starts to
play in my head. And it goes like this, "You're a bad husband, I mean you can't
even take care of your wife. That was uncalled for.
Who are you? You're just a big meanie. What a big Grouch! You know, what a big
ogre!" And this story starts to populate inside my mind. So, when the moment it
happened, I saw myself as doing something wrong but then a story starts to pile in
on this new image. And it's all these details are just piling in on top of me.
And as those details are piling in on top of me, I could feel the heaviness
weigh on me. Yeah, because I did something that hurt my wife. And I could just feel
the bricks getting stacked. "You're an ogre, you're mean, you can't do anything
right, boom, boom, boom! And I can feel this heart wall start to build. Literally
right there in the moment. Like, "Ah, she deserves somebody's better. You know, I'm
a bad person." And... But I knew what I needed to do. I needed to go in there and
I needed that, you know, ask her for forgiveness. But first, I'm
going to walk in there and tell her I'm sorry. So, there's some steps here. I've
got to change this story and you all know about saying you're sorry and
asking for forgiveness. You all know that. But then there's what what do you do
after both? Me, walk you through the story. So, I walk in the bedroom and she's
crying and as I go, "Oh boy." And I put my arm around her, you know, and she's still
crying and I could just feel. Oh, it's just stacking up like, "What a jerk,
what a meanie, that's uncalled for." And this is all true, right? It's all true.
And soon she stops crying. I said, "I'm really sorry sweetie pie. You're my angel.
I'm really sorry and, you know, It was uncalled for." And I'm walking through the
I'm sorry part. You know, expressing and telling my side. And then I asked her, you know, I
hope you'll forgive me because I really want to do something different. I want to
be different, I don't want a... Next time I'm under pressure, I'll calm down before I
turn to answer a question." You know and... So, I walk through the "I'm sorry, will you
forgive me" part with Kim. She's like, "I love you. I know you're under pressure
for a deadline and I know I didn't knock on your door before I came in. I'm sorry."
So, we... You know, we cleared that between us. But here's the real big
secret. When I was walking out of the bedroom, I may have said I'm sorry and
asked for forgiveness but when I was walking out of the bedroom, I still had
inside of me, "Ogre, mean guy, couldn't manage his voice and his tone,
you know, jerk, you hurt your wife." I still had this
big stack in front of me. And that "I'm sorry and please
forgive me", didn't remove that. It didn't remove all this information that was
blocking me from being really connected to Kim. So, I had to literally get
involved with what's happened here. I may have said I'm sorry and I asked for an
ask for it and I apologized. And asked for forgiveness and she said that she
forgave me. But how do I forgive myself? See? That's where people... You're probably
just like me where we don't finish the process. We don't finish it. We have to
change the story that's on the screen of our mind. Which meant to
do the first step is, I have to get involved with this story. Even after I
said I'm sorry. Even after I asked for an apologize. I
still have to get involved with the story of now how I see myself. How many
years have I done that? Oh, my goodness. I've gone so many years in my life where
I didn't do this part. And I didn't realize it was left unfinished. Those
heart walls get between me and other people. And me and my dreams and my vision.
And and who I am and my identity. So, I've got to change the story. So, as I'm
walking out of the bedroom, when I'm sitting down in my office again, I said...
They're going now, "Hold on a second. I'm not a jerk, I'm not a meanie."
But then that evidence all comes back. "Yeah, you are! You just said that to your
wife and you're mean." And it's like, "No, I'm not. I'm a good man, I had a deadline, I
didn't manage my voice. I can manage my voice. I can do better."
There's this automatic story going on inside me but if I don't get involved
after the fact and change that story inside me, that original story of "Jerk, ogre,
meanie", that's all going to sit there. And if it sits there, it's going to affect
me and how I'm going to act and behave from that point on. So, I got to get in
there and I got to change that story up. And the story must be changed about 2
different things. There's two different things.
It's about the person, me and the other person. So, the way I see myself and the
way Kim sees me. Remember, on this part right here. Remember, there's 2 points
of view. There's the point of view, I have of myself and then the point of view
that somebody else has of me. And so, I've got to tell this story now about me and
so I can put a new solid story inside of me after the mistake. Because you don't
really forgive until you have a change of mind. Real, true forgiveness requires a
change of heart and a change of mind. And what that means
is, the point of view you have of the person and the point you have of
yourself. And so, I've got to make sure that this story... And I'm telling myself
this story. And then I got to check in with my self,
"Okay what can I do to make this better? How can I show Kim and how guy show
myself?" Because there's 2. How she sees me and how I see me. What can I do to show
her that I've really changed. Well then, I now, for the retribution side is like,
you know, I'm going to do something for her. I'm gonna do an act of
service for her. I'm going to show myself, "Watch this I'm good. I'm
different." So, over that next day, I did little nice things for her over the next
week. And over the next week she's like, "Wow, you're like a really good husband."
It's like, "I know." She's like, "Wow, you're really handsome." "I know." You know, but I
have to do something. So the equation that this comes down to is this. True
forgiveness requires a new image of myself, new language of myself, my
emotional state about myself and how I act. So, if I can pay attention to this
and go, "You know what? How do I forgive myself? Well, I've got to be very
conscious of the story I tell of myself" after the experience, after I said I'm
sorry, after I asked for forgiveness from my wife. Or whoever it is. But this story
and the way it's going on inside your head and the way you act afterwards in
the things you do afterwards, it really puts you on the path of actual real true
forgiveness. But remember, it doesn't just evaporate. It doesn't change by itself.
You have to get involved inside of who you are. And be able to disassemble those
blocks. Disassemble all that negativity that's inside of you. And you build this
story about how you see yourself, the imagery. How you talk about yourself with
the language, how you feel about with the emotion side and then how you act from
this point on. That then causes forgiveness to be real and it causes
real change inside of us. You're going to make a mistake,
I'm going to make a mistake but at least now I have... I know that of all these
right here, the one I want to remember the most of is what is the story I tell
if my self. And that's what you want to get involved with because forgiveness
doesn't happen until the story changes. Hey, let's keep a
good thing going. Subscribe, ring the bell and I will see
you tomorrow. Great videos are coming your way.