(cheers, applause)
I can't hear you!
How are we doing, world?
People at home...
"Should I clap?
Can he see me?"
I just got outta college, guys.
(scattered applause)
Thanks for your support.
I didn't really graduate, you know. I just sorta...
got out.
I miss it.
I miss college, 'cause at college,
when you eat ramen noodles,
it's because you're a poor college student.
Now when I eat ramen noodles,
it's because I'm a failure.
Mission incomplete. My dinner costs a dime!
I think ramen noodles needs a new slogan
right on the front package.
"Ramen noodles...
Screw it."
Screw it!
Show some guy crying into his bowl
of noodly soup.
"It's over! It's over!"
I love the flavor. What is that, beef? No.
It's loss of pride.
Now, eat up, Skippy, you got some dry-walling to do.
Get 'er done, tractor pull at Wal-Mart.
Here's your sign.
(imitates gunfire)
Then he just shoots guns in the air.
I'm proud
of you guys in New York.
I am proud of you guys.
I walked around this city all day and I haven't seen
one girl with "Juicy" written on her butt.
Not one!
Why was that? That was so cool for a while.
"Juicy.
"It's true 'cause it's written...
that it's juicy."
What? You don't see guys writing stuff down their thighs.
"Enormous."
"Huge."
"Girthy."
"Girthy..."
(whispers): That means "thickness around."
I don't even understand that phrase, "juicy."
I like my juice from apples.
Not ass.
Never looked at a woman's backside and went, "Ughh...
I am thirsty."
"I am parched. I need some butt juice!"
"Eww, that's gross.
Really? Butt juice? Right up front?"
Yeah, I did it.
You guys have a birthday within the last 12 months or so?
Did you guys do that?
Do that? All of us together?
Wait a minute.
I hate birthdays. I hate birthdays.
My friends try to kill me on my birthdays.
They do. They try to kill me.
"24 shots,
"24 minutes, bro. Let's do this.
Let's do this, bro. 24 shots, 24 minutes."
I'm like,
"Ahh... that sounds horrible...
but okay."
It's always the grossest shots, too.
"Dude, it's a gorilla fart. Take it.
Take it!"
"It's a... It's called a bloody discharge. Take it.
"Take it. This is just homeless piss and Tabasco sauce.
Take it!"
And I do, because I'm a follower. And a half hour later,
I'm curled in the fetal position, asking God
for forgiveness. They're standing over, telling me,
"Why aren't you having fun? It's your birthday!
Have fun! Be a man!"
That's when they... decide to get me laid.
Uh...
Which sounds good in theory,
but my friends, like most guys' friends,
hate me.
So they just get the biggest monster truck, behemoth,
Clydesdale mountain lady they could find.
You know, the one with the mole
with the hair coming out of it, that follows you
like Jesus's eye in that painting that's hanging up
in the spare bedroom of your Grandma's house
and you can't masturbate 'cause Jesus is staring at you.
Plus, you're at your grandma's house.
Don't be a creep.
Imagine explaining that to Nana.
"I'm not staring at Jesus, He's staring at me."
Respect your elders.
Anyways, so they bring her over to me, and they're like...
They're like, "Hey, Adam."
I'm curled in the fetal position
and they're like "Hey, Adam, this is Denise.
"But we like to call her Diesel.
She plays linebacker for the Rams. Enjoy."
And I did. Now I itch. Is that normal? Is that...?
Don't judge me, Gotham!
We were friends a second ago.
I want to be famous, guys. I do.
That's why I'm here, killing it in front of you guys-- right?
(mild whooping)
What's up? Um...
I want to be famous.
I want to be-- how cool would that be,
to be like so famous you could just walk into a club
find the sexiest chick in there, and go...?
"Now!"
And have her friends go, "Go with him, Stacy. He's romantic.
"Go with him...
Go with him."
I don't think I will
be that famous, though. If I do get famous,
it'll be like I waddle on into the club and go...
And they'll go, "Is that Frodo's fat friend
from Lord of the Rings?"
Hey, thank you guys so much. My name's Adam DeVine.
You guys are awesome.