Hey, it's Anne Marie with Speak Confident
English and I want to start with a question today.
Do you remember the last time that you had a terrible night and you didn't get
any sleep; the next day at work your colleague
says, "you look terrible." How did that make
you feel? That comment is pretty shocking and
surprising and probably the last thing that you want to hear.
Or what about that time that you just sat down to enjoy dinner and someone
says, "should you really be eating that?"
Again, it's probably not what you want to hear
and it definitely didn't make you feel good.
And finally, have you ever tried to communicate in
English? You're trying to express yourself or
deal with a complicated situation like talking to an accountant in English and
the other person starts to get impatient,
frustrated, and even rude with you in those
situations, what did you do?
Did you just panic and say nothing? Or maybe you're like me and after you
walk away from the situation and you have a little bit of time,
you think of the perfect thing that you should have said,
but you didn't have those words in the moment.
In today's lesson, we're going to talk about what you can
say or what you should say when someone is rude to you in English.
Now to make this easy, we're going to look at four simple
strategies that you can use to deal with rude situations or rude people and the
language that you can use as well. But before we get into those four
strategies, I want to talk specifically about
situations when someone is rude to you because you're trying to express
yourself in English and it isn't easy or it's not happening very quickly.
For example, recently I had a student who was at the
DMV or the department of motor vehicles in the United States.
That's where we go to get our driver's license and pay for our car
registration. No one likes going to the DMV and my
student was having a really hard time communicating and the woman she was
talking with got impatient and rude, and in the end my student felt terrible
and you have maybe had a similar situation.
In those moments, we often feel terrible,
discouraged, and we lose our confidence,
but I want you to remember one really important thing:
Learning and using another language is really challenging and brave.
The truth is that other person has probably never learned another language.
They have no idea what it means to communicate in another language and how
hard it can be to find the words that you really want to say in those
situations. I want to give you the tools that will
help you stay calm, think clearly,
keep your confidence and know exactly what to say.
In fact, those situations are a great opportunity
to remind that person that using another language is pretty difficult and it
takes a lot of courage. In English,
we have an expression that we all learn as children:
"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." And I
think this is the perfect situation to remind someone of that important
expression, so the next time you're trying to
communicate, trying to express yourself in English
and the other person starts to get a little impatient or rude.
Here are two great things that you can say.
Number one, "I really appreciate your patience.
It's difficult to communicate in another language." And number two,
"thanks for your kindness. It isn't easy to say what I want in
English." With both of those examples, you're staying in control of the
situation and using confident, assertive language that reminds the
other person of that important expression they learned as a child.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Then when the conversation is over, you can walk away and forget everything
that other person said because the truth is it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter what a stranger thinks about you.
You did the right thing and you can walk away being a hundred percent sure that
what you said was the right thing to say in English.
Now, in addition to people sometimes being
really rude when we're trying to express ourselves in another language,
the reality is there are moments that happen all the time when our best
friend, our sister,
our spouse, a child,
a neighbor or a stranger is rude to us.
Sometimes they know that they're being rude and other times they have no idea.
So today I want to focus on four strategies that you can use to deal with
those situations and give you the language that you need to do it with
confidence. Strategy number one,
kill them with kindness. I love that expression and this is my
favorite strategy. To kill someone with kindness means to
be so polite and so nice that their rudeness becomes really obvious.
So how do you kill someone with kindness?
The first part is showing empathy, recognizing that that person might be
having a really bad day and that's why they're being rude.
It really has nothing to do with you. They're just in a bad place.
So here are some things that you can say in that situation.
It seems like you might be having a really bad day because you don't
normally say things like that.
If you need anything, I'm here.
I'm not going to take what you just said personally because you don't normally
say things like that. Maybe you're just having a really bad
day and I'll chat with you tomorrow. In both of those examples,
instead of focusing on the negative or rude comment and taking it personally
and getting upset, you're focusing on the other person.
You're being empathetic and caring and recognizing that maybe they're just
having the worst day. This strategy is particularly helpful
with friends, family members,
and even coworkers, anyone that you would need to have a
healthy, strong relationship with.
Now, if you want more examples of what you
could say to kill someone with kindness, I've got several more for you in the
online lesson, so be sure to check it out after you
watched this video. Strategy number two,
educate and enlighten. The truth is sometimes people say things
and they have no idea that it was disrespectful,
rude, or offensive.
So in those moments we can let them know kindly that what they said really wasn't
appropriate or it was just rude, but we'll do it in a really polite way.
For example, I'm not sure if you realize this,
but what you just said was pretty rude or you know when you say things like
that, it can be really offensive.
Those simple statements let the other person know that what they said really
wasn't okay. If you want more examples of how to
kindly and simply educate and enlighten someone,
there are more examples for you in the online lesson,
but let's move on to strategy number three.
Be calm and assertive. Truthfully,
being calm should be your first priority in all of these strategies and if you
need to, when someone says something really rude,
just take a moment. Take a deep breath,
count to 10 so that you can think clearly about what you want to say and
how you want to respond.
And then you can use one of these strategies or use an assertive statement
like: when you say things like that,
I don't want to continue this conversation with you.
Or when you interrupt me because I'm trying to express myself in English,
which isn't easy, I feel really disrespected now if you
want to get more in depth about how to be assertive in English and why it's an
important skill to have, I have a full lesson on that topic and
I'll leave a link to that lesson in the notes just below this video.
And of course you'll also find more examples of how to stay calm and be
assertive in the online lesson. And finally,
strategy number four, shut it down.
The truth is sometimes we try to handle rude situations and rude people with all
of these polite strategies and they don't work.
That person continues to be rude and inappropriate,
and at that point we have to be very direct,
clear and shut it down or put a stop to it.
These examples are particularly helpful when you're communicating with a
stranger or someone in a public place. You want to shut it down and walk away.
Number one, that's really rude and I don't need to
listen to it. Number two,
I don't tolerate rude behavior or rude comments.
I'm not going to continue this conversation.
And number three, I think we need to agree to disagree and
end this conversation here. With any of those examples,
you shut down the opportunity for that rudeness to continue and the most
important thing after you say it, is to calmly and confidently walk away
knowing that you've done the right thing.
Now, as always,
the best way to immediately learn how to use this language and feel comfortable
with it is to practice, and I do have some challenge questions
for you today, but before I share those challenge
questions, if you found this lesson helpful to you,
I would love to know, and there are three really great ways
that you can tell me.
Number one, give this video a thumbs up on YouTube
and subscribe to this channel so you never miss a future.
Lesson. Number two,
share it with friends and colleagues on Facebook.
Maybe you have someone that you work with that also needs a little bit of
help with how to deal with situations in English.
And finally be sure to share your comments and questions with me.
You can do that in the comment section at the end of the online lesson.
So let's get to those challenge questions.
Using the strategies and the language that you've learned today,
what would you say when a colleague sits down next to you at lunch and says,
should you really be eating that? Situation number two,
you just got a new haircut and you're kind of nervous about it because it's
really different and then your best friend sees you and she says,
oh my God, I hope you didn't have to pay for that
haircut.
It's terrible. What would you say?
And finally number three, you're trying to organize some kind of
team building event at work and you want to make everyone happy.
You want to make sure it's really fun, but you have a colleague who comes to
you and says, why are you making such a big deal about
this? You're always so dramatic and fussy
about everything. Take some time to review the strategies
and the language that you've learned today and tell me how you would respond
in each of those situations. You can do that again at the end of the
online lesson. It's the best place to share with me,
get feedback and learn from others in the Confident English community.
With that, thank you so much for joining me this
week and I'll see you next time for your confident English lesson.