WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW-- (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE MET DONALD TRUMP.
BUT I WOULD NOT SAY THAT WE ARE FRIENDS.
(LAUGHTER) AND I THANK THE LORD FOR THAT
BECAUSE TODAY HAS BEEN A ROUGH ONE FOR THOSE CLOSE TO THE
PRESIDENT.
LET'S START WITH FORMER TRUMP CAMPAIGN CHAIR AND MAN WITH
RESTING INDICTED FACE PAUL MANAFORT.
EARLIER TODAY A FEDERAL JUDGE SENTENCED MANAFORT TO 47 MONTHS
IN PRISON, OKAY.
S THAT HE'S NOT EVEN FOUR YEARS, OKAY.
SO NOT QUITE FOUR YEARS BUT WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR HE IS INCAPABLE OF
GOOD BEHAVIOR.
THE 47 MONTHS MANAFORT GOT IS A SHOCKINGLY LENIENT SENTENCE
CONSIDERING THE SENTENCING GUIDE LINES CALL FOR A PREBT TERM OF
19.5 TO 24 YEARS.
YEAH.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT, I TELL YOU WHAT, I GOT TO SAY, THAT HALF,
THAT HALF HAS GOT TO STING.
IS THAT NECESSARY?
THAT'S LIKE HEARING YOU ARE SENTENCED TO DEATH AND COMMUNITY
SERVICE.
BUT MANAFORT'S LAWYERS TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET THEIR CLIENT A
REDUCED SENTENCE EXCEPT REPRESENTING AN INNOCENT MAN.
MANAFORT EVEN WENT ON TV AND FREAKED OUT ON GAYLE KING.
MANAFORT'S LAWYERS ALSO CLAIM THE SENTENCING GUIDE LINES WERE
UNFAIR SINCE HE WAS A FIRST TIME OFFENDERS.
AS PROSECUTORS POINTED OUT THAT FOR OVER A DECADE MANAFORT
REPEATEDLY AND BRAZENLY VIOLATED THE LAW.
HE WASN'T SO MUCH A FIRST TIME OFFENDER AS A FIRST TIME GETTING
CAUGHTER.
AND THE BAD NEWS KEEPS COMING FOR PAULIE NUMBNUTS BECAUSE NEXT
WEEK MANAFORT WILL RECEIVE A SECOND JAIL SENTENCE FROM A
DIFFERENT FEDERAL JUDGE FOR WITNESS TAMPERING AND MONEY
LAUNDERING.
YOU KNOW ARE YOU IN TROUBLE WHEN THE ONLY TIME YOU GET OUT OF
JAIL IS TO GO GET SENTENCED TO MORE JAIL.
(LAUGHTER) A LOT OF PEOPLE--
(APPLAUSE) I GOT YOU.
I GOT YOU.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT LOOKS LIKE PAUL MANAFORT WILL BE
IN THE SLAMMER FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE BUT MAYBE HE CAN
CONVINCE THE PAS ROLE BOARD TO LET HIM OUT EARLY IF HE'S A
SMOOTHER TALKER.
>> SO TO BE CLEAR, MR. TRUMP HAS NO FINANCIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
ANY RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS.
>> IF THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID-- THAT'S OBVIOUSLY WHAT THE OPPOSITION
IS.
>> Stephen: HE'S GOING TO BE IN THERE A LONG TIME.
IT'S BEEN-- (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: NEVER, NEVER-- I LOVE THAT, I LOVE THAT FOOTAGE.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S ALSO BEEN A BIT OF A ROUGH DAY FOR FORMER TRUMP FIXER AND
MAN WATCHING HIS SOUL RIDE OFF ON A VESPA, MICHAEL COHEN.
COHEN HAS BEEN TESTIFYING FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS IN CONGRESS
AND THERE IS ONE THING HE WAS VERY CLEAR ABOUT.
>> I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR NOR WOULD I ACCEPT A PARDON FROM
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> Stephen: CHECKS, REIMBURSING ME FOR PAYING OFF A
PORN STAR, HE YES.
PARDON, NO.
I HAVE MY DIGNITY.
BUT AND ITS HE'S A BIG JUICY BUT, ACCORDING TO "THE WALL
STREET JOURNAL," ACCORDING TO "THE WALL STREET JOURNAL," COHEN
INSTRUCTED HIS LAWYER TO INQUIRE ABOUT A PRESIDENTIAL PARDON.
OOOOOH.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL A PERSON WITHOUT DOES SOMETHING LIKE
THAT, REPRESENTATIVE GOSAR.
>> LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, SIR.
RECLAIMING MY TIME, RECLAIMING MY TIME.
COHEN'S LAWYERS ARGUE THAT COHEN'S TESTIMONY WASN'T A LIE
BECAUSE WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER ASK FOR A PARDON, HE WAS
TALKING ABOUT THE PERIOD WHERE HE HAD MADE HIS DECISION TO TELL
THE TRUTH AND THAT NEW MICHAEL COHEN AUTHORIZED THEM TO SAY
PUBLICLY HE WOULDN'T ACCEPT A PARDON.
THAT IS A TRICKY, TRICKY DISTINCTION TO SELL, DUG, YOU
SAY YOU NEVER CHEATED ON ME.
>> I DIDN'T, THAT WAS OLD DOUG.
I'M NEW DUG.
NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, HAVE I TO GO PAY OFF A BOOKIE BECAUSE
OLD DOUG BET OUR MORTGAGE ON THE KNICKS AND GOONS ARE COMING FOR
NEW DOUG'S KNEE CAPS.
NOW IF IT SOUNDS LIKE OLD MICHAEL AND NEW MICHAEL HAD
QUITE AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE OVER WHETHER TO GET A PARDON, I'M
BEING TOLD RIGHT NOW, WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF BOTH MICHAELS
DEBATING WHETHER HE WANTS A PARDON.
>> TRUMP, WE WANTS A PARDONSES.
>> NO, TRUMP IS WICKED TRICKSTER, ELYS, ELYS!
>> BUT MASTER TRUMP IS OUR FRIEND!
>> YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
NO ONE WHO WORKS FOR TRUMP HAS FRIENDS!
WITHIN YES, BUT HE IS THE PRESIDENT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE.
>> Stephen: ANDY SERKIS DOES IT AGAIN.
THIS REVOLUTION IS CRUCIAL BECAUSE IT UNDERMINES COHEN, A
WIT WHENS HAS PRODUCED COPIES OF DONALD TRUMP'S CHECKS,
REIMBURSING HIM FOR PAYING OFF PORN STAR STORMY DAN YEMS WHICH
WOULD BE A CAMPAIGN FINANCE VIOLATION.
NOW TRUMP FIRED BACK AT THAT CHARGE THIS MORNING ON TWITTER.
>> IT WAS NOT A CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION, AND THERE WERE NO
VIOLATIONS OF CAMPAIGN FINANCE LAWS BY ME, FAKE NEWS.
SIR, ARE YOU PASSIONATE BUT JUST SAYING IT WASN'T ME, IT WASN'T
WHAT IT WAS IS NOT A STRONG HE DEFENSE.
I MEAN AFTER ALL ATTICUS FINCH DIDN'T DEFEND TOM ROBYN SON BY
SAYING OH NO HE DI'S N' T.
ONE, ONE REPUBLICAN HAD A CLEAR DEFENSE OF THE PRESIDENT, I'M
TALKED ABOUT SOUTH DAKOTA PRESIDENT AND STOCK PHOTO OF A
STOCK PHOTO MIKE ROUNDS.
>> THE PRESIDENT LOVES HIS FAMILY AND I THINK IT HAS AS
MUCH TO DO WITH TRYING NOT TO HAVE PUBLIC DISCUSSIONS ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT IS FOR HIM A PRIVATE MATTER THAT HE DIDN'T
WANT TO HAVE TO DISCUSS WITH HIS FAMILY.
HE LOVES HIS FAMILY AND I DON'T THINK HE WANTED HIS FAMILY TO GO
THROUGH THIS.
>> Stephen: YES, WHILE TRUMP WAS BEING SPANKED WITH A COPY OF
FORBS MAGAZINE BY A PORN STAR, HE WAS THINKING OF FAMILY.
AND I BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE THEY WERE ON THE COVER OF THAT
MAGAZINE.