The Democratic primaries.
After Super Tuesday, voters basically decided
the race should be between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.
So Michael Bloomberg promptly dropped out,
and now, in the wise words of the phisolo...
philosopher DJ Khaled,
"Another one."
We begin with today's big breaking 2020 news.
Senator Elizabeth Warren is dropping out.
Warren speaking out on her decision
to suspend her campaign.
Gender in this race, you know...
that is the trap question for every woman.
Uh, if you say,
"Yeah, there was sexism in this race,"
everyone says, "Whiner!"
And if you say, "No, there was no sexism,"
about a bazillion women think, "What planet do you live on?"
Um, I promise you this,
I will have a lot more to say on that subject later on.
Damn.
Elizabeth Warren has a good point.
Yeah. Because like it or not,
that was some truth that she dropped there.
A woman addressing sexism, or ignoring it,
while running for president is either gonna be seen
as a whiner or living on another planet.
Which is unfair, especially since the president
is already a whiner who lives on another planet.
-(laughter) -And whether you think sexism
played a role or not, you have to admit,
it's pretty strange that a race that started
with a broad tapestry of candidates
is now basically down to two old white men.
Yeah. They're so old that no matter which one of them wins,
Donald Trump will be the youngest person in the race.
Think about that.
That's wild. Like, there's no other job
where these three people would be the top candidates.
Like, even if they were auditioning
for those Life Alert commercials...
-(laughter) -yeah, people would be like,
"Uh, we're kind of going for someone healthier, you know?
"You guys don't really look like you're young enough to save,
you know what I mean?"
And now the big question is,
who is Elizabeth Warren gonna endorse?
Biden or Bernie?
Is she gonna swipe right or really far left?
(laughter)
All right, let's move on to this year's biggest viral challenge,
the coronavirus.
While the CDC is struggling to test patients,
and stores are running out of cleaning supplies,
we're finding out just how fast this thing can spread.
New alarm bells ringing tonight
in the coronavirus outbreak in this country.
There are now more than 150 cases
in a growing number of states.
A New York City lawyer is hospitalized.
His wife, daughter and son testing positive.
A family friend who he spent time with
is also positive, as are his wife and three children.
Officials also announcing the neighbor who drove the lawyer
to the hospital has the virus.
The neighbor's children are being tested.
The governor says no need to panic.
(laughter)
Okay, there's definitely a need to panic.
(laughter)
'Cause the only time people say there's no need to panic
is when there's something to panic about.
Like, a pilot never comes on the P.A. like,
"Uh, ladies and gentlemen, no need to panic,
uh, but we've landed."
You'd be like, "And?"
"And nothing. There's no need to panic."
Because that graphic is especially scary.
Did you see that thing? Look at that.
Like, everyone got the virus.
That guy got the virus, then his wife got the virus,
his kids got the virus, his neighbor got the virus,
probably everyone sharing his Netflix account got the virus.
Huh? The guy who drove him to the hospital got the virus,
which means the car's GPS probably got the virus as well.
She's like, "Turn right now.
"Coughing. Coughing.
Touching face."
No, GPS, don't touch your face!
You don't even have a face!
Now, leaders all over the world are handling corona
in very different ways.
You know, some are panicking, and some are not doing enough.
Luckily for all of us here in the United States,
there's one person who isn't worried at all.
NEWSMAN: We had a report today the global death rate at 3.4%,
and a report that the Olympics could be delayed.
Your reaction to that?
TRUMP: Well, I think the 3.4% is really a false number.
Now, this is just my hunch.
Because a lot of people will have this,
and it's very mild.
So I think that that number is very high.
I think the number... personally, I would say
the number's way under one percent.
Yes, good news. Trump has a hunch
that coronavirus is not as deadly as people think.
In fact, he personally has a feeling
that the death rate is lower than one percent.
What the (bleep) is that?
(laughter)
"I've got a feeling" is a phrase
that should only be reserved for low-stakes situations.
You know, like whether tonight's gonna be a good, good night.
(laughter)
And honestly, I don't know why Trump is doing this.
Like, why is he being like, "Oh, it's not that bad.
It's not..." He's acting like the virus is no big deal.
No one is blaming Trump for coronavirus.
People just don't want him ignoring it
like it'll just go away.
This is a global pandemic, not his son Eric.
(laughter)
And, by the way, why was...
why was Fox News showing the White House for that call?
I mean, based on where Trump spends most of his time,
it's more likely he was at Mar-a-Lago or KFC.
I mean, I don't even know why they did that.
Right, and finally,
here's a fun story to lighten up your day.
Uh, you know how everyone always tells you
to not text while driving
because it can lead to a disaster?
Well, this next driver should have taken that advice.
NEWSWOMAN: Please stop what you're doing
and take a look at your screen.
Check out a major fail
after a man passed his driving test.
Just ten minutes later, yeah, that same man,
he drove his car into a river. It happened in southern China.
Reports say he was trying to avoid
those pedestrians on the bridge.
Apparently, he was reading-- get this--
messages on his phone congratulating him
for passing his driver's test.
(laughter and applause)
There are... there are so many things about this story.
First of all, he was trying to avoid the...
Why didn't he just stop?
(laughter)
Like, that thing, it went bad so fast.
It looked like the driving version
of Mike Bloomberg's campaign, you know?
It was like, "I'm the only one who can...
Aah, Elizabeth Warren!"
(laughter)
And you know who I really feel bad for?
The person he was apparently texting with,
because you realize they're still at home
looking at those three little dots,
and nothing has come out.
Like, "What is he saying? What is he saying?
Did he pass the test or not?"
But still, people, the real lesson here
is about texting while driving.
Because, you see, this only happened
because the driver looked down to read his texts.
Then he looked up, saw the pedestrians,
panicked, swerved, and went into the water.
So please, don't make this mistake. All right?
Just keep looking down at your phone the whole time.
You let the people jump out of the way. Yeah.
'Cause if people jump off the bridge,
we can always make more people,
but that car is never coming back.