-And I was just running a bit behind today,
so I thought, if you wouldn't mind,
I'd like to write up my weekly thank you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
♪♪
-Wow. He's excited. -Such a good mood.
-Yeah.
Mr. Pep.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you, fall, for being the one season when it's stylish
to dress like the couch in your parents' basement.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you, new Jets coach Adam Gase, for always looking like
you just found out you're the coach of the Jets.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What?!
I'm the coach of the what?!
-Thank you, new movie "Hustlers,"
for casting Lizzo.
I just took a DNA test and found out I'm 100% buying a ticket.
Oh, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Italian restaurants whose menus are in Italian,
for giving me two ordering options --
pointing at the menu like an idiot
or sounding like Super Mario.
[ High-pitched ] "I'll have-a da linguine puttanesca."
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
[ Normal voice ] Thank you, French horns,
for basically being an awesome water slide for spit.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yo.
[ Spits ]
-Thank you, DIY projects,
for being a slightly less expensive way
to make a way worse version of something.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I made that myself. That's a soap holder.
-Yeah, I got it. I got it. -Yeah, we're good, man, yeah.
This one's killer. -This one's the best one.
-I think this one standing up. -Are you serious?
-That's what the card says.
[ Laughter ]
We're going to ask the audience for a standing ovation
after this. -Really?
-This is the last thank you note.
-Aw. [ Audience groans ]
-For tonight. -For tonight.
-We'll do them every week.
[ Laughter ]
-But for tonight, do the last one tonight. Yeah.
-Thank you, fancy bloody marys.
I enjoy all the extra stuff, but at this point,
you might as well just give me a Cobb salad covered in vodka.
There you guys have it! Those are my thank you notes!