>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, GIVE DID UP FOR THE LATE SHOW
BAND, RIGHT THERE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
FOLK, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU KNOW I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE, HACKING THROUGH THE NEWS JUNGLE, FELLING
THE DAY'S FINEST STORY VINES, STRIPPING AND SUBMERGING THEM IN
A POND OF THE MOST TOPICAL MUD AND LEAVES, THEN FORMING A KUBU
RATTAN HERRINGBONE WEAVE OVER A HARDWOOD CORNER-BLOCKED FRAME TO
CREATE THE BEAUTIFUL AND TIMELESS BALINESE WING CHAIR
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
JUST SOMETIMES, I'M PECKED AWAKE BY A BOX TURTLE IN HER HABITAT
AT A COMMUNITY ZOO, STEAL HER SUNNING ROCK, AND COVER IT WITH
HAY STOLEN FROM THE GORILLA PEN, THROW OPEN ALL THE ENCLOSURES,
THEN SHOTGUN SOME ROBITUSSIN AND WHITE CLAW AND HOLD COURT BEFORE
A GANG OF ESCAPED ANIMALS ON THE DRIFTER'S-THRONE OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
WE'RE BACK, BABY! WE'RE BACK.
YOU CAN'T KEEP "MEANWHILE" DOWN. YOU CAN'T STOP IT!
MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT RATS HAVE RHYTHM LIKE
HUMANS, AND EVEN PREFER CERTAIN SONGS, INCLUDING QUEEN'S
"ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST," "BEAT IT" BY MICHAEL JACKSON,
AND LADY GAGA'S "BORN THIS WAY." IT'S OFFICIAL.
NEW YORKERS' WORST NIGHTMARES HAVE BEEN REALIZED-- THE RATS
CAN NOW BE SUBWAY DANCERS. SHOW TIME!
HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S SHE TIME! MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW
RESEARCH, DEVICE ADDICTION ISN'T JUST FOR THE YOUNG.
"BABY BOOMERS CAN'T STOP STARING AT THEIR PHONES," MAINLY
"PLAYING 'WORDS WITH FRIENDS,' 'CANDY CRUSH,' AND CARD GAMES."
BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY'RE ONLY DOING IT AT THE LOUDEST VOLUME
KNOWN TO HUMANKIND. THAT'S NOT JUST A JOKE.
IT'S SCIENCE. THE RESEARCH FOUND BOOMERS LIKE
TO PLAY "CARD GAMES, OFTEN WITH THE VOLUME TURNED UP."
CARD GAMES ARE AN ENTIRELY VISUAL MEDIUM!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING "MY FAVORITE PART OF CHESS?
THE FRAGRANCE." MEANWHILE, IN SOUTH AFRICA, A
WOMAN'S PARTY WAS RUINED WHEN "HARD-PARTYING BABOONS CRASHED
HER BIRTHDAY." >> AYE!
AYE! AYE!
>> Stephen: I HATE IT WHEN SOMEBODY OPENS THE CHIPS FROM
THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG! NOW THE LOGO'S UPSIDE DOWN!
I DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT. MEANWHILE, APPLE IS REPORTEDLY
CONSIDERING CHANGING THE "HEY SIRI" WAKE WORD ON YOUR iPHONE
TO JUST "SIRI." NO!
OUR GRANDPARENTS ARE JUST ON THE VERGE OF FIGURING OUT "HEY
SIRI." "HELLO, SUSAN, WHAT'S THE
WEATHER? I DON'T THINK SHE'S WELL.
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME
IS WORSE FOR YOUR BODY THAN STANDARD TIME, BECAUSE "LIGHT
FROM ANY SOURCE TOO LATE INTO THE EVENING CAN INTERFERE WITH
OUR ABILITY TO SLEEP." YES, LIGHT FROM ANY SOURCE:
PHONE, iPAD, LAMPS-- BUT NOT YOUR TV.
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! LATE NIGHT TV IS GOOD FOR YOU.
OKAY? IT REDUCES WRINKLES, IMPROVES
MOOD, AND IS PROVEN TO BOOST THE QUALITY OF MY BOAT.
APPARENTLY, SHIFTING DAYLIGHT LATER INTO THE DAY "PUTS US AT
AN INCREASED RISK FOR SLEEP LOSS, OBESITY, DIABETES, HEART
DISEASE, AND MOOD DISORDERS." ALTHOUGH MOST OF THOSE MOOD
DISORDERS ARE JUST RAGE AT TRYING TO CHANGE THE CLOCK ON
THE MICROWAVE. "WHAT DO I PRESS AGAIN?
SETTINGS? BAKED POTATO?
SCREW IT! NOBODY LOOK AT THE MICROWAVE FOR
THE NEXT SIX MONTHS." MEANWHILE, IN
ATTACHING-YOUR-BEARD-TO-OTHER-ME N'S-BEARDS NEWS, A GROUP IN
WYOMING IS CLAIMING A NEW WORLD RECORD FOR THE LONGEST BEARD
CHAIN. SEEMS USELESS, UNTIL YOU LEARN
THAT LATER THAT NIGHT, THE BEARD CHAIN WAS LOWERED TO RESCUE A
CHILD TRAPPED IN A WELL. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK