- Hi, this is Marisa.
Almost all of us have friends or family members
or loved ones who've suffered with depression.
It's really hard to know what to do.
I work with many, many, many depressed clients
who say, "You know, it's so hard."
People come and go,
"Hey, I've come around to cheer you up
and taking you out to see this really funny film."
And their first reaction is,
"Oh no, I've now got to laugh."
Or they say, "Hey, we're going to go out shopping"
"or go out clubbing or go to a bar or go out for dinner
or go out and have a spa day",
and again, that feeling is,
"Oh, no, I've got to pretend I'm liking shopping,
"liking a spa, and liking this movie.
"I've lost my appetite.
"I don't want to go to a restaurant."
And many people really,
really want to help people who are depressed.
Having worked with many, many depressed people
I'm going to tell you what I know works.
First of all, if someone is depressed,
they can take about an hour of company
before it becomes overwhelming.
Think about it this way.
If you had a friend who was sick,
you would know that maybe an hours visit would be lovely,
but if you stayed there all day,
they couldn't rest, they couldn't sleep.
So, the first thing you do when someone who is depressed
is you go there and you say,
"I'm just coming for an hour or even 45 minutes
"and then I'm going to leave."
They may say, "Oh, stay longer."
But if they don't, remember,
that's about the maximum they can take.
Secondly, when someone is depressed,
the best thing you can do is take them delicious food.
Something really healthy and nourishing like soup
or chicken soup or casseroles or vegetables.
Don't take chocolates or pizza
because depressed people find it very hard to cook.
In my experience, depressed people
have an interesting line of thinking.
Here's the first thing they thought.
"There's no cure for depression",
which actually isn't true.
And the second thought is, "Even if there was,
"it wouldn't work for me."
The third thought is, "I don't deserve it."
I find almost all the people I work with feel
they don't deserve help and they're not worthy.
And most depressed people don't cook,
they eat crackers, potato chips, bit of cheese some coffee.
They don't shop for food,
they don't cook nutritious food because of this feeling,
which is, "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy."
So, an asset to someone who is depressed
is to take them really healthy food,
take them juices, take them fruits,
take them fruit already chopped up
and peeled in little boxes,
take them casseroles, take them soups,
they can at least nourish their body.
The second thing you can do is, if you found a book
or an article on depression that you think is amazing,
highlight the bits that are relevant
and take that to them as well.
You know, I worked with a friend a little while ago
who had cancer and when I began to talk,
she said, "Look, please stop.
"Everybody is giving me advice.
"Take this supplement, take that, someone read that book,
"read that book, do this, go there, watch that."
She was like, "I'm overwhelmed and I am going
"to do this my way."
And I really wanted her to read this book
called 'Your life in Your Hands' by Jane Plant,
which I think is the Bible for anyone who has breast cancer
but she didn't want to read it.
So I actually had the book anyway on my shelves.
So I took it down, I reread it and I highlighted
just the bits that I know she needed to read.
Because when you are depressed or sad or ill,
you don't have the ability to take in information,
to read really complex medical books and to understand
and even if you do, your concentration doesn't last long.
And when I gave her that book,
she said "You know that was the best gift
"anyone could have given me.
"You read the book for me, highlighted the pages.
"All I had to do was open it and read all the pink
"highlighted pages, which you had also paper clipped.
"That was such a gift."
She later on went to write her own book about how to cope
with cancer and she said, "This was an asset,
"this was a turning point for me."
So If you have a book or something you'd like
to give someone who's depressed or sick or anxious
or indeed ill, read the book first, highlight the pages,
mark the pages with them, Post-it Notes or paperclips
and give it to them that way.
If you believe they should be taking certain supplements,
go ahead and buy them for them and take them over and say,
"By the way, you need to take three of these today."
Even better, buy those containers that have Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday, buy a month's worth
and put the supplements in there.
Beause I have clients who go,
"You know I had the facials right by my bed.
"I had the vitamin B and D and C and all the things
"you told me would ease depression and I never took them.
"I didn't have the motivation to work out what strength
"and how many", but if you can already dispense those
into Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
it helps you to take them.
So do practical things.
Take food, highlight books, take the right supplements,
go and visit that person for about an hour.
Do not ask them to go to a funny film or a comedy show.
Don't book massages or pedicures or hair appointments
and do not ask them to go shopping.
You know, I had a time in my life, gosh,
I think it was almost 20 years when I lost a baby,
I lost a relationship and I lost a job all at the same time.
And it was a lot to deal with,
I'd never actually had depression,
but losing that baby and my partner
and a really important part of my career
was difficult for me.
The only thing that worked was to get lost in a book.
People would say, "Oh, let's go and have our nails done."
I couldn't think of anything worse.
"Let's go shopping."
The idea of walking around a shop trying on clothes
and I was grieving for the loss of so many things
didn't work, but getting lost in a book really consoled me
or getting lost in a movie.
So that's another thing to do.
Highlight the films you think your friends would like,
take the books you think they would like.
If you're dealing with someone who is not depressed but ill,
is sick, particularly if they have cancer,
there's another wonderful thing you can do
because when someone is ill, they come home from treatment
and the phone rings, "Hey, how are you?
"What happened?
"Hey, how was the treatment today?
"Hi, how did you go?"
After the 10th call, they almost feel overwhelmed.
They've got to tell each person over and over again.
What happened is, and what the doctor said is,
and this is an amazing thing that you can do.
Start a Facebook group or just simply a communal email
and be the one to go, "Hey, today Barbara had chemotherapy
"and this is what's happened", or, "Hey, today Frank's had
"some radiotherapy" or "Frank's had some blood tests",
and you'll be the one to send that out.
"Very good news" or "quite good news,
"this is what happening."
So take the job off the person who is sick.
And even if someone is depressed, if you can be the one
that does a weekly catch up to their friends,
their colleagues, their relatives, their family,
you're taking the burden away.
So people say, "I don't know what to do, you know,
"my neighbor was bereaved and I couldn't even look at her.
"In fact, I crossed the road and many people
"know my husband died, or my wife died, or my kid died.
"And my friends, they couldn't even look at me.
"They crossed the road, they didn't call."
You know why that is?
They don't know what to do.
When my dearest friend was dying and I was only 20,
I called her father and said, "Is she there?"
And he went, "Of course, she's here, she's dying."
And I felt like such an idiot, but I was so nervous.
Every time I called, I knew there was a chance
she wouldn't be there.
And I stupidly said, "Is she here?"
Which I didn't mean to say, and I really upset her father,
but I was operating from fear and terror and ignorance.
And I never ever got to say to him, "I'm really sorry,
"I was so insensitive."
So remember, if someone's depressed, if someone is bereaved,
if someone is sick, here is what you do.
If they're depressed, you turn up for an hour.
You take yummy, healthy, nutritious food.
You can also take yummy, healthy, nutritious snack bars,
not crackers and potato chips.
There are really good healthy snack bars. Take fruit
already peeled and chopped up.
Take books that you have highlighted the best bits
of the most appropriate bits.
Take supplements already put into the appropriate Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday for someone who is depressed
and maybe take stories of, "gosh, you know,
"I've just got all these clips from YouTube",
"put them in an email.
"These are people.
"There's a guy in San Francisco who jumped off
"the golden gate bridge and as he jumped,
"he immediately felt regret.
""I wish I wasn't doing this."
"He was very lucky.
"There was a boat in the water, they got him out,
"he survived, and he now gives talks all over the world
"about how he was so glad he was saved.
"I found 10 YouTube clips for you to just watch on people
"who were where you were in the darkest place
"and who are now absolutely fine",
because depressed people find it very hard to future pace.
They can't imagine a time when they'll get better.
When you go, "Oh, you'll snap out of it",
it's not as powerful as someone going,
"I was in such a bad place,
"I really wanted to end my life,
"but this is what happened to me."
It gives some hope and it's not false hope either.
If someone has cancer or any kind of illness,
it's the same thing, take yummy nutritious food.
Do not take people with cancer chocolate
because they don't want sugar.
Take them really healthy food.
When I was going through that,
people used to bring me green juices every day.
It was the best thing.
I didn't really have the energy to make them
and to buy all those vegetables and chop them.
But having those delivered every day
was a wonderful thing for me.
Take healthy food.
Take books that you have highlighted the things
that are important.
Again, take supplements.
Offer to run a weekly newsletter, giving everyone else
an update for that person.
They don't have to come back from hospital
or the doctors and start answering one call after another.
You know, one of my clients who was bereaved said,
"You know when my daughter died, I had to pick up the phone
"and tell 15 people that she died over and over
"again the same night.
"And then the next day it happened again.
"A week later it's still happening.
"And every time I did that, I was back in the pain."
So for you, taking on that job is such a gift.
And if someone is bereaved, go and see them.
Again, take them food, take them books, take them clips
on what you have found that deals with bereavement
in a better way and say, "Look, how can I help you?"
And again, just go for an hour, not the whole day.
Unless they ask you to, do not go, "Let's go shopping."
Go and sit with them.
Just be present.
Don't expect anything of them at all.
Whether they're depressed or ill or bereaved.
Do not expect anything.
Just be present, give without needing to receive.
And I promise you, that is a super effective way to help
depressed people, bereaved people and sick people.
Be there, give, give what they need.
They don't need flowers and candy.
They don't need that.
They need practical things that make them feel
you really care, but also that show them,
"Oh, this is all right, I can get through this."
I promise you it helps.
And if you know anyone right now who's depressed,
or bereaved, or sick, share this with them.
Share it with the people in their life.
Share, like, subscribe and finally,
please tell me how I can help you more.
How I can serve you more, what I can do to help you,
help yourself.
What I could do to help you help other people.
Thanks for tuning in.
See you soon.