Airlines are gravity's greatest enemy and man's most frustrating friend.
They give you sky rage and mouth sadness with their custom blend of hidden fees and cheap
food.
But until nature finally invents a Pegasus, you're stuck with them.
Unfortunately, that will probably take a while, but you can make the wait more bearable by
getting to know airlines a bit better.
The pilot did what?
When someone's job includes making sure you stay alive, it helps if they don't seem like
an untrustworthy criminal.
But just like Mick Jagger said, you can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometime, you just might find a horrifying skeleton in your pilot's...cockpit.
An in-depth investigation by WFAA TV revealed that a disturbingly high number of pilots
have heinous criminal histories — with convictions for offenses like burglary, assault with a
deadly weapon, and driving under the influence.
The report also highlighted examples like the United Airlines pilot who in 2016 pleaded
guilty to stalking his ex-girlfriend and posting racy pictures of her online.
How does this happen?
You'll be horrified to discover that the FAA stops actively screening pilots once they're
hired.
Instead, it relies on an honor system whereby pilots self-report crimes, substance abuse
issues, and job-jeopardizing health problems.
First class corpse
You and every person you know will be gone someday.
And honestly, you should all try kick the bucket on an airplane if you can.
Don't cause a crash or anything.
Just sit quietly and stop being alive — you might get upgraded to first class.
As The Telegraph explained, planes don't have much space for cadaver storage.
If there's room in first class, then that's where the goners go.
Crew members typically inform affected fliers when a corpse is coming their way, but not
always.
In 2007, British Airways employees plopped a body next to a sleeping passenger without
warning.
But according to CBC News, the passenger disliked the surprise...which isn't that surprising.
Let it all out
Delays drain the excitement from air travel, and every time you ask about the hold up,
you get the same stock excuses — the weather's bad; seats need replacing; the plane's covered
in bees.
Sometimes that's the whole story.
Other times, the pilot makes you late by throwing a half-naked tantrum.
Just don't expect an airline to actually tell you that.
According to flight attendant Elliott Hester, problems like pilot nudity get covered up
to avoid embarrassment.
In the tantrum incident, for instance, an angry aviator delayed departure by five hours
because he didn't want to remove his belt during a security screening, so he took off
most of his clothes and promptly got arrested.
In an unrelated debacle, another pilot was allegedly jailed for wandering New York in
the buff.
As a result, his passengers had to wait an extra day to travel.
Flight food
Everyone agrees: plane food is tongue torture.
But according to CNN, you just have to know which food to order.
Food is prepared six hours before takeoff and has to be reheated on the plane, meaning
certain meats and pasta generally tend to taste worse than usual.
Your best bet for a non-terrible eating experience is an in-flight stew, which withstands prolonged
reheating without a reduction in quality.
Fried rice is apparently also a safer choice.
Now that you know which plane food to eat, here's why you shouldn't eat it anyway.
Per The Telegraph, airlines dump 30 percent more sugar and salt into their meals than
you would normally get on the ground.
They're not trying to end your life, but rather help you get over the reduced-senses hump
you encounter while flying.
Without that extra flavoring, your meal would probably taste like a slice of air with a
side of nothing.
"this is good."
Nonrefundable?
Unless you're a bajillionaire, you've probably never purchased a refundable airline ticket.
As the Washington Post observed, refundable tickets can cost three times the price of
their nonrefundable counterparts.
Quite frankly, there are way better ways to burn money, such as setting it on fire.
Thus, the optimal option is to buy a nonrefundable ticket and hope you don't miss your flight.
But if too many naked pilots get arrested, you're in luck.
As it turns out, airlines have to repay you for nonrefundable tickets when they cancel
on you.
Pay up
As a general rule, an airline's approach to flight delays is basically this:
"Sucks to be you, nerd."
But USA Today noted that, in certain situations, they have to pay for making you late.
For example, if an airline bumps you to a different flight, it owes you up to $400 — or
the cost of a one-way ticket — if you reach your destination one to two hours later than
your original arrival time.
If you're more than two hours late, that cap jumps to $800.
Now that's something to get excited about.
"Oh my God!"
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