It felt like being in prison.
He started telling me to hurt myself and taunting me for not hurting myself badly enough.
He eventually got me hooked....
... onto herion.
It wasn't until our father killed our mum and sister that we realised how dangerous control can be.
Narrator: Coercive control is an insidious form of abuse.
'You actually gonna wear that?'
For too long it has gone unnoticed.
It can ruin lives.
For many victims it is an isolating secret they bear alone.
'Who you talking to?'
'I'm not talking to anyone.'
You're lying. I told you not to talk to people'.
Coercive control is a subtle form of abuse. The survivor may not even recognise it as abusive.
It's a repeated pattern of behaviours, stripping away the survivors self esteem and it can increase their isolation of the survivor in that relationship.
What's really important to understand is that some people may not even recognise that they are in an abusive relationship.
A Mumsnet survey found 38% of users have been in abusive or controlling relationship.
6 in 10 said they suspected a friend or family member was in one.
Sadi is one of them. She entered into an arranged marriage aged 19.
It started off with language. Then it went to how I was walking and talking.
If I sat down, he would say I didn't didn't sit down right, you need to sit like this.
How I stand, you shouldn't stand like that. I'm an educated man, you need to stand like this.
Then it went to who I was going to meet, whether I should be in contact with them.
The clothes that I wore. I didn't buy my clothes, he bought all my clothes for me.
I knew it was wrong, I went for the phone and he threatened to kill me. He said I would bring shame to my family.
That was the last thing I wanted, my father was my life.
It's hard because you don't have anyone to talk to.
When you don't have any support, then you start believing that there is something wrong with you.
That you are at fault. That you are making this happen. It's your fault he's angry, it's your fault he's violent.
It was really lonely. It was really really lonely.
Mumsnet found 24% of victims of domestic abuse never said anything to anyone about what they went through.
Perpetrators are very clever, it's like a drip drip drip effect.
Over time your own perception of reality is diminished.
Chlo was 13 when she met her partner.
I met my boyfriend on Twitter.
I don't think I realised something was wrong for quite a while.
Because things built up so gradually, each thing was just another little thing.
Looking back there were signs right at the beginning.
He could go from being really lovely when we met and then in-between he'd be really unpleasant.
There were lots of little things he did that were quite controlling.
He would lose his temper if I liked the wrong Facebook page.
Or he would tell me he was only attracted to girls who dressed a certain way: short dresses and low cut tops.
The when I would dress like that he would shout at me for being a 'slut' or a 'slag'.
I was constantly monitoring my behaviour to try to understand what I had done to make him think this, and what could I do to stop him getting angry.
He started self harming. He said he stashed pills for an overdose. He said he would kill himself.
He said if I told anyone he would do it anyway, and it would all be my fault.
It's all just a way to keep control over you and have a power over you.
In some cases, abusers use addiction to control their victims.
We were really good friends at first.
I really thought this man was the one.
Progressively things just got worse.
He would want to know where I was all the time.
The niggling in your ear. 'Your family are no good'.
Eventually I ended up with just him and me.
He would always say it doesn't matter. It's me and you against the world.
Your my world, it's you and me against the world.
He would drink an awful lot but he also did drugs.
Eventually he got me hooked. On herion.
I remember the first time he came home with heroin.
He said just try it.
I got very very sick.
He said don't worry about the sickness. Keep doing it, it will pass.
Within a month I was hooked. Literally.
By then of course he had every bit of control over me.
From there my life and his life spiralled out of control.
Under legislation published in 2015, coercive control became a crime.
The law defines coercive control as:
It is currently punishable by up to five years in jail. But the sentences are often much less.
Coercive and controlling behaviour was criminalised three years ago, but it continues to be a misunderstood and under reported crime.
1.2 million women last year alone experienced domestic abuse.
But the convictions in the last year or two have been a handful, around 300.
While controlling behaviour is a serious offence, it can often be the first step to a much more serious crime.
As Ryan and Luke Hart know all too well.
Domestic abuse costs lives. The Hart brothers are making such a difference. By talking about the coercive control of their father
... Who ultimately exercised total control, they are explaining the dangers of coercive control and how seriously we have to take it.
On the 19th of July 2016,
My mum and my sister met my dad...
... to exchange documents to formalise their divorce.
They met in a swimming pool car park in Spalding.
My father was there with a sawn off shotgun.
He killed them both in cold blood.
The thing that we realised retrospectively,
was that control is abuse. We had never considered that.
As young children, we grew up with our father setting boundaries for us: we assumed that this was normal.
Our father knew to control someone, you create dependency.
It wasn't until our father killed our mum and sister that we realised how dangerous control is.
When we looked back over our father's behaviour, it became clear that every single one of his actions was designed to restrict us.
He got to the point where he almost forced us to leave because we had so little life left.
That in itself is indicative of the danger.
The most important thing to know, is that the perpetrator behaves differently when other people are around.
Outside the home our father was a completely different man. He was totally different when we had friends over.
The control was put in place before we were even aware of it.
Many of the stories follow a chillingly similar pattern.
It was fine at first.
For 12-18 months it was fine.
It started off as one small thing then got bigger and bigger.
Whatever I did, however hard I tried to monitor my behaviour, however carefully I spoke, he would always find a reason to get angry.
In an abusive relationship, it's all about an imbalance of power and control.
The perpetrator has that control over the victim. The difficulty is for the victim is even recognising that they are being abused in the first place.
I started to notice my friends were disappearing
He made it difficult for me to see and talk to other people.
I felt like I should be able to reply to his messages right away.
Hey never rang and said 'how are you?'
The first words were 'where are you?'
I'd show him. It became automatic to show him where I was.
I wasn't allowed to go near a phone.
I wasn't allowed to go to the toilet.
At the time it was my first relationship. I thought perhaps this is what it is supposed to be like.
You don't think anything. I thought this is what marriage is.
When someone is controlling like that, they're doing it to have power over you and to control you. It does just get gradually worse.
Slow poisoning is a good way to describe coercive control.
It's not a one off incident. It's a repeated pattern of behaviours designed to isolate, control, intimidate and frighten your partner.
The control with him...
... Was the look. He didn't have to say anything.
If I saw the look, I was on eggshells.
I thought this is my life, this is what I have to deal with the best way I can.
I just sat and talked to myself. To tell myself that something good was going to come along.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be complex.
But talking to someone is the first step.
Nobody should be frightened of their partner.
If you are frightened of your partner and you're worried even about talking to someone in fear of what they might do,
then try to find the courage to speak to someone about it.
The national domestic abuse helpline is always there for you.
If you are worried about your own life, or your safety, or that of another person, the emergency services are there for you. You should always feel you can go to the police if that's what you wish to do.
We have had a lot of training now in this area.
We're a lot better at recognising the victim's concerns and worries about coming forward and speaking to us.
I drove to the police station. I just snapped.
I thought I can't do this anymore.
I sat outside the station crying.
Which I had done many times and had never gone in.
This time I knew it was over.
I knew I had to do something.
I walked in.
I asked for help.
Two amazing police officers from the domestic abuse unit came down to see me.
Seven and a half hours later I came out the station.
Once I started talking I couldn't stop.
Everything came out.
It was such a relief.
Such a relief.
It can be hard to spot from the outside.
But people should be aware of the danger signs.
Every abusive relationship is different. But some of the warning signs could be that your friend of family member is becoming isolated or withdrawn.
They might look like they are being prevented from seeing people.
Perhaps they mention that their moves are being monitored, perhaps on social media.
Most importantly, they may say they are frightened of their partner. Or what they might do.
Perpetrators of coercive control are very clever at manipulating situations so that the victim feels like their situation is normal.
When clearly it is anything but normal.
It is so important that all of us have a little bit of knowledge and confidence that if someone opens up to us about controlling behaviour.
We know to listen to them, believe them and support them.
We need to stand empower people to know that isn't right in any form. We need to get people to speak up, to stand up, and to take action.
Please be brave and get help.
There is help out there.
There really is.
People do understand.
It should be taken as seriously as all forms of abuse. There should be more help out there for people and more awareness about it.
It shouldn't be something we tolerate in society.
It's the most difficult thing to admit you're in that sort of relationship.
But take that step and be brave. And it is be brave.
Call the domestic abuse helpline and let them make a judgement.
You have one life. You have the right to live it in the best way possible. You have to be happy, you should be happy, you have a right to be happy. You have a right to be safe.
Help is available.
Don't suffer in silence.