Alright, so when I was a kid, Pokemon cards were a huuuuge deal!
Your status as a human being depended on what Pokemon cards you had
"Look at this idiot's best card, a Weepinbell! Everybody throw rocks at him!"
*Swish-thwack!*
*Swish-thwack!* *Swish-thwack!*
*Swish-thwack!* *Swish-thwack!* *Swish-thwack!*
And I'm not talking about Pokemon cards that are out now
Where you got shit that looks like this
This shit would've exploded my 9-year-old brain back at 1999!
Twenty years ago it was something basic, like,
"BITCH, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! I AM A PIDGEY!"
"I GOT 40HP, KEN SUGIMORI DREW MY ASS, I GOT ONE ATTACK, LET'S GO!"
Lots changed since then, apparently, I don't know
Now, at first I wasn't into Pokemon
All my friends were into it, I didn't understand it
"You guys wanna play with my Vortex Football..
".. or are you just gonna play with your stupid fake animals all day long?!"
"FAKE ANIMALS!"
"Yeah, fake animals for sure, fuck your Vortex Football!"
The only reason I got my first Pokemon card was that I won it in a bet with my next-door neighbour
"I'll bet you this Pokemon card that I can beat you in GoldenEye 64!"
"Michael, I'll beat your ass six ways to Sunday in GoldenEye!"
"I don't care if I got to use the shitty Mad Catz controller!"
"I'll play with that goddamn thing upside down and still whoop your ass!"
So I give Michael the business in GoldenEye with my Moonraker lasers
Now I got this Pokemon card that I didn't even want in the first place
I take this card over to my friend David to get it appraised
He's pretty much a Pokemon maniac at this point
He's got the Pokemon lunch box
And a Pokemon movie
And a fucking Pokemon Pokedex, that tells you Pokefacts about Pokemon!
- [Pokedex] Snorlax has onset type 2 diabetes!
"Hey, is this Pokemon card any good?"
"No, duud, I got like 50 of those!"
"I practically wipe my ass with Nidorans!"
"Oh well, that figures, thanks for nothing, Michael!"
"Here, you can have some of my extra cards, they're a lot better"
"I think my cat pissed on these anyways, so here you go"
So now I got my own little starter set of these pissy Pokemon cards
And something just clicks in my little nine-year-old dumb brain!
"You know, these things are kinda cool!"
"I NEED TO GET AS MANY FAKE ANIMALS AS POSSIBLE!"
I didn't even know what to do with them at first!
I'd just sit there in my bedroom with all my cards laid out
Just study them for hours, every little detail on every little card
So now, as 28-year-old grown-ass man I have all this information I don't know what to do with
"Nope, I have no idea, how to change oil in a car!"
"But I can tell you that Meowth has 50 HP and his Pay Day attack does 10 damage!"
"Whoopty doo!"
Now, as a kid, we didn't have a lot of money
So my parents weren't big on buying me Pokemon cards
"Poke.. Pokey.. what the fuck is it? Pokeytron"
"I'm not getting you any Pokemon cards!"
"I just got you that John Elway football, that you can throw into the fucking stratosphere!"
"Why would I get you Pokemon cards?!"
So if I wanted new cards, I'd have to trade my cards with other kids
And boy, did I hustle the hell out of my next-door neighbour Michael!
I was like a shitty used car salesman when I traded with him!
"Michael, I'll trade you this sweet Onix card for your Mr. Mime"
"What?! No way! That's a rip-off!"
"Michael, do you really want a sparkly pink Pokemon card?! That card's for girls!"
"Shit looks like it should be on a Lisa Frank folder for Christ's sake!"
"I'm offering you a fucking snake rock, Michael!"
"You could shoot it with a rifle and it wouldn't blink an eye!"
"Well, whatever! You keep your stupid little purple fucking fairytale card, whatever!"
"Okay, okay, wait a minute! I don't want a girl card, here, you got a deal!"
I once traded Michael two energy cards for a holographic Venomoth
And to this day I'm still laughing about it!
"Ha-hah! What a stupid bastard!"
But no matter how many Pokemon cards I ripped off of Michael
I still didn't have that sweet holographic Charizard
And that was the card to have!
If you got a holographic Charizard you practically made it in life, you're living at the top!
"Did you hear about Billy?"
"No, what happened?"
"He got a holographic Charizard and quit school the next day!"
"He quit school?!"
"Well, yeah, what the fuck does he need school for?! He's got a holographic Charizard for Christ's sake!"
And none of our nine-year-old asses had a Charizard
But my friend Steven claimed that his dad had one!
"My dad's got a Charizard! Actually, he's got two of them!"
"Two Charizards!"
"Yeah the hell right, what are you talking about?! What is your dad, famous?!"
"Does he know Bill Clinton? How the hell could anybody have two Charizards?!"
Now I know it's a little weird, an adult playing with Pokemon cards
But it was actually kinda cool!
He'd be whooping our asses on a daily basis, talking shit the whole time
"Boy, you play Pokemon cards like you write in cursive, like shit!"
"Blastoise uses his Hydro Pump, get that shit outta here!"
"God damn, your ass better find a foster home to live in if you keep playing Pokemon cards like this!"
He'd be drinking beers with his buddies in the garage
"Yeah, I beat my son's ass at Pokemon yesterday!"
"Straight up used Rain Dance to power up my Blastoise's Hydro Pump!"
"His stupid-ass Weedle didn't stand a chance!"
"Bob, what the fuck are you talking about?!"
But Steven's dad really did have two Charizards
And he was willing to part ways with one of them
I'll trade you one of these Charizards for that Clefairy of yours!
Now, this Clefairy card was my first holographic Pokemon card
It's been with me since almost day one
"We've been through so much together! I'm your ride-or-die!"
"You wouldn't trade my cute ass, would ya?"
"Oho, you silly bitch, Clefairy! You bet your ass I'm gonna trade you!"
"Are you serious? It's a goddamn Charizard!"
"Don't let the door hit ya!"
"AHHH NOOOOO!111"
"Now I got to live with this weird old guy, God damn it!"
"Hey wait a minute, why does this Clefairy smell like cat piss?!"
I go to school the next day, show off my Charizard to everybody
There's kids getting their pictures taken with me and shit
The teacher's giving me my high school diploma
"Motherfucker's got a holographic Charizard everybody!"
To this day I still have that Charizard, I'm never gonna sell it, never gonna trade it
I keep it in my wallet
Because you never know, when you're gonna have to talk your way out of a speeding ticket!
"Sir, you're doing 25 over in a school zone!"
"Holy hell, is that a holographic Charizard?!"
"Oh well, do whatever the fuck you want! I had no idea who I was dealing with!"
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