(light music) (keyboard clicking)
- Can masturbating make you go blind?
100%, and here's how.
Here to help us grapple
with the issue is chronic masturbator, Trevor Wallace.
- I wouldn't say chronic.
Chronic's like nine times a day.
I'm more like 8.5.
- Doctors say the act of masturbation is perfectly normal
and a healthy sexual practice.
But, are you really gonna trust doctors?
They're a bunch of perverts who won't even come
into the room until you take your clothes off.
- Oh.
Never really thought about it that way.
- [Natasha] Let's say you've been jerking it for years
and it's never affected your eyesight.
But, you're estranged from your folks.
- We stopped talking
after they called me a limp wrist boy
during my beer pong world tournament, you know.
It's not limp.
- [Natasha] So, you have no idea
that you have a family history of high blood pressure,
and every time you tug,
blood rushes from your head to your groin.
Unbeknownst to you,
you're straining your already delicate retinal veins.
And you're in the midst of a pong tournament,
so you've been wanking before every match.
It's the only way to get in the zone,
or what the Japanese team calls kenjataimu,
the period of clear thoughts post ejaculation
when a man is free from sexual desires, 100% confirmed.
You might end up winning the tournament,
but you'll never see your trophy
because you're about to go blind from masturbating.
- Okay, okay, no, no, no.
Let's say I, like, quit ponging and start, like,
popping blood thinners.
Like, then will I be chill?
- It won't matter
because you'll still have a vitamin A deficiency
because you refuse to eat carrots.
- Okay, yeah.
I'm not a little bunny boy, all right?
- [Natasha] But, healthy eyes need vitamin A to function.
And because of your refusal to eat retinol-rich foods,
your body has just a tiny supply,
which you deplete every time you cream your shorts.
You're putting salad dressing on the wrong cucumber.
Masturbating is about to make you go blind.
- Okay.
Fine, well I'll get better eyesight.
I'll get Lasiks, whatever the fuck.
Masturbating will not make me go blind now, right?
- Wrong, because you're bored of the regular tugging routine
and decide to do the stranger.
Sitting on your hand to make it go numb
so when you rub, it feels like you're getting yanked
by a rando is great. - Okay.
- Too great,
because you spunk so hard you get it in your eye,
which you then rub with your numb hand
which currently lacks all sensation.
A simple eye rub turns into a deep corneal scratch.
And corneal damage is the leading cause of blindness,
100% confirmed.
Your five-finger-discount jerk-off has caused you
to go blind.
- I knew I should have just invested in a fleshlight
for Hanukkah.
But what if I never, like, splooge in my eye.
Then, that's chill?
- Not chill because the problem is still in your face.
Orgasms cause muscles in the face to contract.
These tiny twitches shouldn't be an issue,
but you're very good at what you do.
So, every time you make whoopee with yourself,
you go cross-eyed.
It's a long weekend,
so you've been making yourself googly-eyed
from Thursday night to Sunday evening.
You've made an o-face so many times it's
now gonna stay that way.
You'll never see straight again.
You've gone blind from masturbating.
- Okay, this is starting to freak me out.
Hypothetically, if I never masturbate again,
then I'll be okay, yeah?
- It's too late.
Because you've just read Swiss physicist,
Samuel Auguste Tissot's "Treaties on Masturbation".
- I have? - You have.
It's the 1760s, so this is the only book.
And in this self-proclaimed medical text,
Tissot states masturbation saps humans
of essential oils required for sight.
You freak out and run to the local pharmacy,
which in 1760, is just a witch living in a tree.
She gives you a tincture
of what she considers essential oils,
spit from her lizard which she tells you to rub
on the soft tissue that makes up your eyes.
The lizard spit burns right through your retinas.
But, you think the painful sensation is penance,
sin leaving the body.
The next time you read something,
it'll have to be a book on tape because you just went blind
from masturbating.
- All right, this Tissot guy kinda sounds crazy.
Do we know, like, if he's a real physicist?
- Let's find out.
Hi, I have some questions from internet user 11639.
- From the year 11,639?
- Yeah, Tissot, how'd you come up with this idea?
- Research, years and years of thorough scientific research.
- So, you've done the clinical trials?
- Whatever you say, witch.
- Are these some of your instruments?
- Oh, yeah, top-of-the-line physics stuff.
There's this little do-hickey
and this thingy that gets very hot.
Watch out.
Not sure why, maybe God.
- So, how do you know that losing semen makes you sick?
- Simple logic.
If you lose too much blood, you die.
Semen is basically blood, just white.
So bingo-bango, semen makes you sicko.
(Tissot coughing)
Ah, that will fix it.
- Did you just cut off your arm to stop coughing?
Get out of here, witch.
And take that handsome aristocrat with you.
- So yes, you can go blind from masturbating.
It's just a matter of when and how.
- Well, goodbye my sweet friend.
Do you guys have like a trashcan
or like maybe somewhere I could, like, hang it up?
- Oh, you just put it in the hard drive.
I'm doctor-expert, Natasha Vaynblat
and your worst fear has been confirmed.
- Oh, what about regular sex?
Can you go blind from regular sex?
- Absolutely not.
From regular sex, you die.
- So, I'm dead right now?
'Cause this looks like a little Heaven setting.
Is that what happened?
'Cause I had sex last night.
Nice, nice.