Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video
I'm super excited about this week's topic because we are gonna dive into the narcissistically abusive relationship
We're gonna talk about the phases and more importantly we're going to talk about that honeymoon
Idealistic phase where they put you on a pedestal
Going into the devalue phase of the relationship and then the discard phase
so even if you have not been discarded by a narcissist
You can definitely benefit from this video and if you've never been in a relationship with a narcissist
You can still benefit from this video because I'm going to talk about these different phases
In terms of what you can expect how you can heal from this as well
And like I said if you've never been in a relationship with a narcissist good for you
But you could possibly meet someone someday that has a narcissistic traits and learning about this stuff is so important not just for yourself
But also if you do have children or a niece and nephew a sister or anyone that you can teach this
information to share this information with
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So let's get right into this week's video
So the first phase is the honeymoon phase you can call it a honeymoon phase you can call it falling in love phase
You can call our ideal ization phase you can call it. Whatever you want
basically
this is the phase where the
Narcissist grooms you so this is where they are learning about you so they're knowing and understanding
Where you're vulnerable they're understanding where your moons are
They're getting to know you because they're getting to know what are the things that I need to do to be the person that this
Person wants me to be so they'll fall in love with me
So why is this phase so important to the narcissus? So this is the phase where like I said, they're grooming you to get
narcissistic supply from you
So what's a narcissistic supplied that is?
They want you to feel to fall in love to trust them. They want you to feel like they're the best person ever
They want you to give them everything that they're lacking within themselves. So a narcissist is
codependent so they're depending on
Narcissistic supply in order to live. So why is this first phase this honeymoon phase so important to the narcissist?
So this is their opportunity to like I said groom you trap you
get you to fall in love with them get you to trust them and
Give yourself to this person so they can later either abuse you or get whatever they want out of you
Which is narcissistic supply and when you're no longer giving them what it is that they want they'll just discard you
Because they're never really in
relationships that never really emotionally involved in relationships
So a lot of these relationships with narcissists are surface level relationships because you can't ever really go deep. There's no true connection
There's no true friendship and a foundation of trust and honesty
And loyalty and faithfulness and communication all of that stuff that builds a foundation of a healthy relationship
A narcissist is incapable of doing so in this early phase
That that's why they call it a grooming phase because essentially what they're doing is they're playing a character
They've seen a new toy
Which is you?
And they think that you're going to give them everything that they need and when you no longer are doing that they're gonna move on
Very quickly and we'll get onto that later in in the video now
I made a video on the different phases of a
Narcissistically abusive relationship and something that's so important and it's a question that I get so often is well, how do I know?
How do I know if someone's narcissistic?
You know, how do I know if this is a honeymoon phase or if this is just you know?
we're kind of sitting with each other and this is the beginning phase of the
relationship where we're all excited to see each other and he's spoiling me and I'm excited to see him or vice versa and
What I always tell people is you have to give a relationship time to see who a person is
So you have to give a relationship time to see is this their character are this person?
We have to experience life with this person. We have to experience
disagreements and
compromising and
communication and tough times
We have to go through a little bit of life in order for us to see who someone is and that's the case with romantic
Relationships in business and friendships. It doesn't matter
So when we get too emotionally involved too quickly in relationships
And we don't use logic to say is this person right for me asking ourselves these questions?
When this person does this is this a red flag. Is this someone that's violating my boundaries?
Are they using emotional abusive tactics on me? Are they trying to Gaslight me?
So when we're dating and we're getting to know a person we can't get too emotionally involved because that's not healthy
That's not going to allow you to build the relationship that you truly want
so when a narcissist meet someone and this man or woman gets too emotionally involved too fast into the
Relationship or they know that hey when I'm super charming and when I put them on a pedestal
Or when I just do these grand
Gestures or if I'm a woman and I just give myself to this man like so easily and I'm so sexual with him
You know
All of these different things that narcissists will do in order to groom their victim when I do these things
And this is what the narcissist thinking when I do these things does this woman eat this stuff up?
Is she just starting to fall so in love with me?
Is she starting to just trust me and give herself to me?
So quickly in this relationship and vice-versa with a man towards a woman
Now if you're healthy and you're whole and you have confidence and you know, what healthy relationship should look like when you start dating
Yes, of course
It's gonna feel amazing when someone sends you flowers or does nice things or does some gestures that are romantic but grand
gestures moving too quickly in
relationships all of these things that narcissus tend to do that are red flags if you're healthy and whole
You're gonna pin that right away
Because you're gonna want to know why is this person?
Giving so much of themselves to me when we don't really know each other yet
Why is this person rushing into this role or wanting to move so fastly fast in this relationship?
Telling me that I'm the one, you know sending me all these
grand gestures flowers
Trips spending money on me. All these letters of like you're my soulmate. You're the one I finally found you
I can't believe this. I'm so happy
I've never met someone like you before all of these things early in the beginning phases of a relationship and if you've ever been
With a narcissist and if you're really honest with yourself
You you will 100% be able to say yes in the beginning phases
Something felt off. I felt like it was rushing a little too quick or I felt like sometimes the things that they were doing
We're just like a little over the top you felt something intuitively
But you just didn't listen and the reason why you didn't listen is because you had emotional wounds either you were
Codependent or you had a wound inside of you and this narcissist was feeding into that wound
he was feeding or she was feeding into that codependency that lack of self confidence that you had in yourself and
You that's what you needed to feel whole you needed this person to validate you, right?
so that allows you to trust this person to fall in love with this person because this person is giving you the things that
You're not giving yourself
Because you're coming from that lack and so you fall in love with this person. So really in this phase
There's no falling in love to a narcissist what this is is an infatuation what this is a new toy
so this is why someone who is
narcissistic someone who has NPD can go from one relationship to the next to the next because
They don't understand what being in love means not falling in love being in love. They don't know
What a healthy relationship should look like they're codependent themselves and they're seeking validation in a different way
So whereas a codependent will say I'm gonna give you and give you
Because I want you to validate me and give me love and if I do all of these things for you
You're absolutely gonna love me right because I'm everything to you. I'm doing everything for you and being everything for you
Whereas the narcissist is the complete opposite that if I give to you in the beginning
You'll always give to me and I need you to give to me in order for me to feel Holdens
inside so that beginning phase of
Putting this person on a pedestal being charming spoiling them all of that stuff that's grooming to then get the codependence
I don't want to say codependent supply I made it. That's why it's called a narcissistic supply
But essentially it's the same thing as a codependent the narcissist need something from you in order for them to feel whole
Just like the codependent the codependent
Needs something from people outside of themselves in order to feel whole the difference between the two is just how they go about getting
Their supply their validation now the devalue phase is where all the abuse
lives and I talked about this a lot on this channel and I mentioned it in a lot of my videos the cycle of how
This all works from honeymoon
idealize
Devalue discard and just keeps going around and around and around and if you're a person that has poor boundaries
You're gonna get on that hamster wheel and you're gonna keep going and going if you're a person that doesn't know
What a healthy relationship should look like or feel like you're gonna stay on that cycle
You got cognitive dissonance. If you've got trauma bonding if you have wounds that haven't you haven't healed yet?
You are going to stay stuck in this cycle. It's very hard to get out of this cycle when you have all this trauma
That's living with inside yourself that you haven't healed and overcome
Now the devalue phase is just that this is where the narcissus has groomed you
You have fallen in love you trusted this person. Perhaps you're married now
Perhaps you're living together. Perhaps you've had a child. So the narcissus always
Needs to hook you in such a way that you are dependent on them. So because they know you very very well
They know that you don't give up on relationships easily that you are very loyal and faithful person
You're not just gonna walk away from a relationship. So when they know that about you and
When perhaps you're engaged and they know that chances are you're probably not gonna end this engagement when you are married to this person
Chances are first year marriage. You're not gonna walk away right? You just got married
You're gonna really work at this relationship like any person would when the narcissist knows this or knows
That if I do certain things by abuses pertinent person in a certain way that they keep coming back
But they deal with my abuse that they don't have boundaries that they let me do what I want and when they get upset
From something that I either did or said doesn't really matter because they're gonna call, you know
Cry out wolf and they're not gonna actually do anything about it when the narcissist then knows that about you
This is where the cycle keeps going and going and going
So the devalue phase is where all of the emotional abusive abusive tactics live. It's where the physical abuse lives
It's where maybe the sexual abuse lives all of the abuse lives in that phase right there. So this is where
they are going to shame you they are going to
Manipulate you they are going to make you feel bad
For how you feel and what you think so this is when they're not gonna respect your opinions
This is when they don't know how to compromise and it's their way of the highway
This is where they're gonna tell you that you're too sensitive. This is when like I said the physical abuse is gonna happen
This is where the verbal abuse is gonna happen. This is when they're gonna start
Making you doubt who you are. This is where the the mental abuse takes place
This is when they start kind of just hammering away of who you are
Until you have absolutely no confidence left and you're just sitting there
Feet like dying for some attention again, right? So and you're gonna keep trying you're gonna keep working harder
so the more that they eat you down the more you're gonna come up and say but I remember this person in the beginning of
The relationship. Where is this person?
I know this person is here because it was so good in the beginning
And they did this and that and it must be me
I must be doing something wrong for this person to not want to give me the things that they gave me in the beginning
I must be the problem. I must be the crazy one. I must be bad, right?
I must be a nag
I must be jealous all the time
right instead of saying hey when you're talking to other women like that and you're
Flirting or when you're around these men and you're talking to them in such a way that you're always putting your hands on them it
Makes me feel uncomfortable
Right, there's no. Oh, I absolutely understand how that can make you feel uncomfortable. I'm so sorry. I won't do that
it'll just be well, you know, you're just jealous and insecure or
You shouldn't feel that way. Maybe if were more social and got in the conversation. You wouldn't feel that way as well
You know, this is when we start trying to set boundaries but our boundaries because we don't know how to enforce them
And because we come from that lack
Then our sisters doesn't care
they're just gonna walk over all the boundaries that you're trying to set all the things that you're trying to say on how
Something makes you feel and what you think and they're gonna make you feel bad
For who you are and if you aren't secure with who you are
They're gonna win
They're gonna beat your confidence down and then that's when the discard happens because you're no longer the shiny new toy
You've been used and abused and you're not fun to play with anymore
So you're no longer giving me what it is that I need so sometimes in the devalue phase what happens is the codependent
Will find strength will get beat down so much that they'll say wait a minute something's going on here
And I don't feel like myself. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I have mass amounts of anxiety. Maybe I'm having panic attacks
Maybe I just know that I don't like the way you're talking to me anymore and things have to start changing
Right and this is when you start holding the narcissus accountable and they don't like that
so when that starts happening where maybe you're starting to build your strength within yourself a
Discard could very well happen where they're either moved on and cheating and lying and things like that start to happen behind your back
Because they don't want to be held to a standard they don't there's no accountability
There's no responsibility for their part in the relationship. They just want to come and go as they please
they want everything from you in terms of narcissistic supply and you're supposed to be just so
Grateful that you're in a relationship with this person that you should just take whatever I give that's basically what the nerves is
This is saying so when you start
now if you haven't started gaining that strength and maybe you're just so weak and fragile and
Your confidence is so low again, that's not appealing to a narcissist, right?
Because the narcissus has abused and abused you so much that you're not gonna give anything to me because you're just laying there
you know half
basically
depressed having panic attacks
You know not having the confidence that you once had and you're not fun anymore
and again the discards gonna happen and they're gonna move on, you know, the reason why I make these videos is
Number one to educate you. I wish people would watch these videos that haven't experienced these things before
I wish these things were taught in school systems
I wish that we just learned the stuff growing up right that we really understood what abusive relationships look like not just in romantic
relationships and friendships as well
Right what a toxic friend looks like and what they sound like what manipulation is what gas lighting is all of that stuff
I I hope we get to the point where we really start learning these life lessons in school
You know history and math and chemistry and all that stuff. Yeah, that's great. It's important
But these are the tools that we should be learning and if you're watching this
It's just as important to understand these phases to maybe prevent yourself from
dating another narcissist or a psychopath or sociopath or
you know healing
Getting validation that like yeah, that's what I went through. This is what it was for me
This is how I felt and I was depressed in this relationship and this person
manipulated me all the time and
Understanding when people do this. What phase of a relationship are you in?
Being able to spot when someone does this stuff to you again?
No, it doesn't matter if it's a co-worker a friend or a romantic relationship
When people use these tactics on you
and and I think emotional abuse is
So so important to learn and understand and if you have been through a discard
the most important thing that I can I can't even stress enough in this video is it had nothing to
do with you and it is an
extremely painful
Painful process to go through it's a painful thing to have to go through in your life, especially
when you loved someone when you love someone and you trust
Someone and you can look back and you see that it meant nothing that this person was in cape
bull that you were in love with a
fantasy and
how could you leave and just leave me like that the way you did and
discard me or how could you cheat on me the way you did or have an affair behind my back for as long as you
did when you go when you experience that that's
true true
Heartbreak and it takes time to heal
It's such an emotional roller coaster and every day is going to feel different
There are some days we're gonna feel very hopeful there is some days we're gonna feel depressed
There are some days where you're gonna be very happy some days. You're gonna cry like you're gonna get confused
And you're gonna get clarity it you're all you're gonna be all over the place
but I
promise you
You will get to a point as long as you keep doing this type of work as long as you work on yourself every single
Day, you will get to a place where you will heal
You will get to a place where you will be hopeful for the future and excited for what's to come in your life
No matter what your age is no matter what your situation is. That's the best place to be and
That's when you can look at the person and say thank you for doing what you did to me
Because you forced me to become a better version of myself. You forced me to grow you forced me to
Experience such pain that I had no choice but to get up every single day and work on myself as hard as I possibly could
so
I hope that this video has helped
anyone out there that has been through a discard is going through a discard or even if you've just been in a
Narcissistically abusive relationship. If you have any comments, please leave them down below
Don't forget to give this video a thumbs up and I will see you next week