Hey everyone, PushingUpRoses here and welcome to another riveting review of Magnum PI.
Now, this is not usually my cup of tea.
I can’t say this show has ever been on my radar; I’ve seen a handful or episodes,
and I even covered the crossover it did with Murder, She Wrote, but other than that I’ve
never had much interest; it’s very typical 1980s television complete with an array of
Hawaiian shirts and swanky cars.
Then I saw this amazing clip going around Twitter; it was so bonkers I just had to watch
the entire episode and share my observations with you.
I’m going to warn you right now though, it’s not very good.
The plot is very boring.
But there are many scenes of very cute birds so I will do my best to enchant you with parrot
facts.
I own one myself, a sweet little conure named Needles.
Say hi Needles!
I’ll give you a quick summation of the show: Tom Selleck plays private investigator, Thomas
Magnum, and works directly for a wealthy author named Robin Masters.
Magnum lives in the guest house of his Hawaiian estate, aptly named The Robin’s nest.
The episode begins on a serious note, showing real footage from the Uprising of East Germany
and The Hungarian Revolution.
The scene that follows is meant to take place during the latter in 1956; the man in the
car is supposed to be giving this man important information about how to dispose of the leaders
of the freedom fighters, but it turns out to be a bomb.
If you think starting a goofy show like Magnum PI with footage of dead bodies and destruction
then segueing into a scene with the main character cleaning his house with a comically oversized
duster is jarring… you’re right.
It absolutely is.
And yet, here he is, cleaning a framed photo of his younger self in a volleyball uniform.
Me as Magnum: Gotta keep myself dust free!
Enter Higgins, the estate’s manager.
You remember him from the Murder, She Wrote crossover, right?
“Oh my god, JB Fletcher.”
Yeah, the one smitten with my girl, Jessica!
His hair is still a mystery and his personality is as salty as a meatloaf.
Magnum gives him a hard time about barging into his house and they argue for a few minutes.
I think it’s supposed to be funny or endearing but...it’s not.
Higgins tells him that Robin’s high school English teacher, Elizabeth Barret, will be
staying in the mansion so she can write a book on birds; Magnum PROMISES he will leave
while she’s there, and I assume it’s because Higgins thinks he’ll embarrass himself.
“I promise, no football games on the lawn, no gunfire before breakfast, and no stewardesses
unless they promise not to yodel” I assume he means moaning when he says yodeling, but
all I can think about is a stewardess on a plane sneaking up behind someone and yodeling
when they LEAST expect it.
Those yodeling stewardnesses are stealthy.
Magnum insists he needs to go find some guy who stiffed him 800 dollars anyway, then promptly
messes up his newly cleaned living room to find his keys.
Wah waaaaaaahhh….
Then he’s like, WAIT!
I know where I left my keys.
IN THE EGGS.
*Squish* His brain must truly be scrambled.
Higgins picks up Elizabeth from the airport, and finds she’s already having a pretty
good time.
...Oh shit, it’s my caseworker Juno!
Sylvia Sidney: “Would ya get outta here?
Go on, get downstairs.
Men’s room, ARE YA KIDDING?”
Higgins develops an intense disdain for her pretty much immediately.
She asks if her Macaw is okay, and Higgins says he’s waiting for her in the car.
Unfortunately, he parked in a tow zone.
Higgins: “Oh my god…”
Look at her BIRD.
AWWWWW MERLIN!!!!
He’s so cute!!!!
Elizabeth: “They’re kidnapping my Merlin!”
Higgins makes a half assed attempt to get the car back.
Meanwhile, Magnum visits Mr. Maynard, self proclaimed KING OF THE CONDOS, in an attempt
to get the money he’s owed for his services.
He meets his secretary instead, who is played by Selleck’s former wife, Jacqueline Ray.
After she tells him to leave her and her boss alone, he makes a fool of himself by ruining
his shoes.
I...I think the episode is still going for humor here, but I’m not sure.
I think the punchline is still coming because Higgins tells Elizabeth to not get dirt all
over the sparkling clean floor.
Higgins: “Afterall, cleanliness is-” Elizabeth: “Boooooriiiiing!”
...I like her.
Ready for the humor?
It’s coming ….riiiight… now!
Higgins: “Oh My God!”
Look at his BOOTS.
See, the joke is that Higgins just cleaned and told Elizabeth to be careful, but then
Magnum comes in with his muddy shoes and hah!
Isn’t that hilarious?
See, the joke is that he messed up the floor!
He and Elizabeth start having a fun time ganging up on Higgins, who just gets angrier and angrier
at her beligence.
Later at dinner, she tells Magnum she is visiting Hawaii to look for a reclusive bird watcher
named Dr. Tessa so she can interview him as part of her research; she’s writing a book
about ornithologists and Dr. Tessa is an expert in his field; she doesn’t quite know where
to find him, so she charms Magnum into helping her.
Which is not hard, Magnum could be charmed by a head of cabbage if it tried hard enough.
(Magnum giggles)
After dinner, Elizabeth looks at a photo of the man at the beginning of the episode, and
ominous music plays, implying… something.
For whatever reason, Higgins agrees to jog with Elizabeth the next morning, despite her
ragging on him the entire time.
They take a quick break, and he tells her he knows a thing or two about birds.
She asks if he knows any calls.
Higgins: “Eee.
Eeee!!
Eee!”
What in the world was THAT?
“It’s the attack cry of the peregrine falcon.”
You know, something tells me it’s not.
Bird fact!
The peregrine is the fastest bird, NAY, the fastest ANIMAL in the world and can dive up
to speeds of 200 miles an hour.
This is what they DON’T sound like when diving.
Higgins: “Eee!
Eee!”
Elizabeth tells him not to make the sound around Merlin, as it could agitate him.
Back in the study, Elizabeth tells Magnum that Dr. Tessa must be hard to find because
he escaped the Hungarian revolt, and perhaps he’s afraid the secret police is still after
him.
That’s a strange thing to bring up casually.
AAAAAAAAAAAW, MERLIN IS BOBBING, HE’S HAPPY.
Well, he was happy.
He’s like “don’t you touch me you living mustache!”
This is a green winged macaw, which can be distinguished from the scarlet macaw by the
rows of tiny red feathers on their face!
They are affectionate, social, and have the emotional intelligence of a toddler, so BE
NICE TO THEM.
Awwww, now he’s preening!
AAAAAW, NOW HE’S CHIRPING.
Don’t worry, every time he does something I’ll let you know, I wouldn’t want you
to miss out on any bird action.
It’s probably more important than whatever is going on in the rest of this episode.
Elizabeth: “Higgins, could you give me a hand?
Merlin has had a little accident on the rug of your study.”
Ahh, bird poop.
It’s gonna be one of many, my friend.
Higgins is frustrated as hell with Elizabeth and offers to give Magnum and his friends
Rick and TC access to the more luxurious parts of the estate in exchange for him finding
Dr. Tessa.
At this point, Magnum had already told Elizabeth he’d do so, he just wanted that sweet jacuzzi
privilege.
He ropes his friends into getting his money back from Mr. Maynard, and sets off to find
the ornithologist.
Magnum: “I figure finding Tessa shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”
(Magnum falls into trap) So that’s going well.
Magnum tries to get information about Dr. Tessa’s whereabouts from a zookeeper- AAAAAAAAAAAWWWW
HE HAS A LIL GREEN AMAZON PARROT IT’S SO CUTE.
Amazon Parrots are a group of mostly green birds with gregarious personalities.
Though they can be very sweet, they are VERY loud.
In captivity, they need a lot of attention and social time, otherwise they can fall into
behavioral problems so BE NICE TO THEM.
The zookeeper tells him he can find a renowned bird expert in Taiku valley.
He’s extremely unfriendly and tells Magnum to beat it, not trusting his story about Elizabeth
wanting to interview him for a bird book.
Tessa: “Don’t worry my pets, I will never leave.”
Oh my god, was this episode made for me?
FUCK, LOOK AT THESE COCKATOOS!
Cockatoos hail from Australia.
They’re loud, and have a beak strength of about 350psi, or pound per square inch.
They can fuck you up.
Meanwhile, in our zany subplot, Rick and TC go to meet Mr. Maynard at a restaurant to
talk about Magnum’s payment, only to hear a shot from outside, followed by seeing a
car speeding away from the parking lot.
Rick: “He should’ve told us Maynard was a nut.”
….Think anyone will notice?
Magnum tells Higgins he did find Tessa, but can’t bring Elizabeth there because the
guy threatened to kill him.
“To make an omelet you must crack a few eggs.”
EVERY COOK WILL TELL YOU THAT.
Since Higgins is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, Magnum chances it and takes Elizabeth
up to see the Dr, but requests they stay back and make SURE it’s him first.
Elizabeth spies at him through binoculars and disappointedly exclaims that it’s NOT
Tessa at all.
Even though it...clearly is.
She really knows how to play mind games.
When they get back, a fist fight nearly breaks out between Elizabeth and Higgins, and Magnum
has to be the voice of reason to calm them down, assuring them he will find the elusive
bird doctor.
Awwwww, Merlin.
He’s so sweet.
He and Elizabeth go on a drive, which is good because I think Higgins is losing his mind.
Magnum brainstorms with Rick, and Rick says he’ll find Tessa for him if he gets him
more fancy estate privileges.
Magnum asks him how he plans to do that, and Rick says if he’s Hungarian, he can just
just check with the Hungarian Embassy.
Mangum says he’s a refugee, and that the embassy might want to get a hold of him themselves…
he then falls into a realization.
He did an oopsie.
The woman claiming to be Elizabeth Barret is not, and she lied about not recognizing
the Dr. Magnum and Higgins realize she is a KGB agent, on her way up to Taiku Valley
to assassinate Tessa for his involvement in the revolt.
They hop in TC’s helicopter to make their way over as well.
Remember when we thought brown, yellow, and orange was an awesome color palette?
Crazy times.
Excuse me but look how well behaved Merlin is being.
Look at him.
I guess Tessa trusts her about wanting to interview him because … well… she DOES
have a Macaw.
She manages to sit him down and even starts writing a few notes; her gun is almost out
of her purse when TC lands the helicopter, pretending to inspect it as a distraction.
He dropped off Magnum and Higgins farther away… but…
I’m not really sure why.
I guess they need to sneak up on her to pad out the episode just a teensy bit more.
As TC lifts off, Higgins and Magnum hop onto the scene, and this is where it all goes totally
insane.
Magnum tells Tessa to lower his gun, and says Elizabeth is a KGB agent.
Higgins: “It’s true, she’s a communist agent come to kill you.”
Have I mentioned this is the very last five minutes of this episode?
And we haven’t even hit the point where it escalates.
Elizabeth: “Merlin!
Attack!”
THIS is where it STARTS to escalate.
Merlin attacks Mangum and he suddenly has blood and gashes all over him, but don’t
worry!
It’s HIGGINS to the rescue!
Higgins: “Eee!
Eee!”
Oh my fucking god… what the hell is going on.
And that isn’t the end of it!!!!
Merlin gets irritated, understandably, flies up, and tragically gets OBLITERATED by the
helicopter.
A floof of feathers waft everywhere.
TC: “Whoops.”
WHOOPS?
WHOOOPS?
THAT’S IT?
You just killed a parrot with the intelligence of a small child and all you got is WHOOPS?
Please do not teach your parrot aggressive behaviors, like attack commands.
Though they can be tough, they also have fragile bones and wings, and if they get hurt, they
can become traumatized and depressed.
SO BE NICE TO THEM.
This scene is just… the most absurd, weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.
When you think it’s done, it comes back even HARDER AND WEIRDER.
Also, why IS killing birds off screen so comical to writers?
It was funny here because the entire thing was so goofy, but a LOT of shows and movies
do it, using the tufts of feather and a loud squawk to imply a joke, but we definitely
don’t react that way when dogs and cats get hurt or killed.
Being a parrot owner, I would be genuinely devastated to see a majestic creature like
this get killed.
I don’t mean to get all hard news because this is still the funniest thing I’ve ever
seen, but it did make me think about the amount of people who really do consider birds more
disposable than other animals.
Poor lil Merlin.
You know, I think it’s time for an experiment.
I am going to be very annoying to my conure, Needles, and we’ll see what she does.
Me: Eeee.
Eeeee!
Eerrhhghhrrr!
She doesn’t give a shit.
SO, after that gratuitous display of danger and action, Magnum’s bird wounds are magically
healed and he apprehends the agent.
The episode ends with him FINALLY getting his damned 800 dollars from Mr. Maynard, delivered
by his sassy secretary.
She’s the one who put the hole in Magnum’s windshield, cause she really doesn’t like
him.
Rick tells him to be nice to her, then she drives through some mud and splatters him.
They both hop into the car to speed after her cause bitches be crazy or some shit.
THE END
Right, final thoughts.
Holy SHIT this episode was BAD.
They tried to bring something serious into this story almost right away, but nothing
of value happened between Elizabeth arriving at the island and them finding Tessa.
The parrot attack was probably the best thing in this episode, otherwise it had tonal issues,
the subplot was...there, and the main plot was just boring.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing all these parrots.
I adore them with every fiber of my being, so when I see a bird, I don’t just see a
bird.
I LOVE the bird.
I CHERISH the bird.
I call my friends and I’m like, “holy shit, I just saw a Cockatoo on TV and it was
SO CUTE.”
So this was kind of a treat for me… if I just...ignored everything else going on.
At least Sylvia Sidney put on a great performance.
And there’s also this one scene where Higgins is telling a story about his time as a spy,
and Magnum turns off the speaker so he doesn’t have to listen to it.
When he turns it back on, Higgins is reminiscing about a very lurid incident.
That got a genuine laugh from me.
If you have an episode of Magnum PI you’d like me to cover...rethink it and instead
recommend me a Murder, She Wrote episode.
Cause I don’t know if I can do this again, folks.
Leave me your thoughts in the comments, and until then, be nice to birds.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching my video on Magnum PI.
I can’t believe this is my third video talking about this guy.
If you want to see more of my videos, I have more to suggest but first, I want to give
a quick shout out to my patrons, because without them, I couldn’t give my parrot the best
sunflower seeds the pet store has to offer.
Seriously, I am very grateful for your support.
If you can’t afford to support me in the monetary way, likes, shares, and comments
also help me and brighten my day.
If you want to see more videos by me then do consider the following; on the right side
of the screen I have an episode where I talk about the MSW and Magnum PI crossover, and
on the left I have a breakdown of the X-Files, with an emphasis on the portrayal of freak
shows.
I do hope you give them a watch and consider subscribing, and as always, I’ll see you
in the next one.