- I like all these new terms
they expect us just to know, yeah.
Yeah, you should practice self-distancing.
It's like when the (beep) did that phrase ever exist before?
Come to think of it,
I've been self-distancing my whole life.
I've also been self-quarantining my whole life.
Like really, I'm not supposed to go outside
and talk to anybody?
That's me pretty much every day.
I think I got this under control.
- Wouldn't it be ironic
if everybody actually did die from this shit,
and the only people that survived were the black people
in Flint because they've built up a resistance
after all of this time?
The cure was lead the whole time.
- Gwyneth Paltrow is worried about getting the coronavirus.
I hope she gets it.
'Cause if Gwyneth Paltrow gets the coronavirus,
we might find a cure, you know?
It's not in labs.
Gwyneth knows you gotta masturbate in a Himalayan mud bath
and then, then you're fine.
Thank you, goop mama.
Thank you, goopy mama.
- I love the Irish, I do.
There aren't a lot of black people in Ireland.
That's a fun game to play,
find the black people in Ireland.
I saw one black guy, and he looked at me like,
don't ruin it. (audience laughs)
- St. Patrick's Day (beep) sucks.
Where's the gay?
Gay, show yourself, or is he already gone?
Hey, gay, hi.
Don't you think St. Patrick's Day
is just like the straight version of Pride?
Right, it's an excuse to drink.
Although, you guys, we have a whole rainbow,
and you guys picked the ugliest color
from that rainbow to celebrate.
There is red and yellow and pink and blue and orange,
and you're like, green.
- Sex is fun.
You guys having it?
Couple of people, nice.
You guys are pointing at each other like, are you having,
Yeah, I don't know.
I had sex with my wife recently.
In the middle of the sex, she coughed,
and it ejected my penis out of her body.
Did you guys know that that happens?
Not a little bit, 100% out of her body.
She was like (coughs).
I was like, whoa, what?
I was like I gotta get some cough drops or a bigger dick.
Something has to change here.
- I went to school with a girl who does porn now.
I don't know if any of you guys have ever seen someone
you know have sex, but not with you.
Like, it's wild.
It's wild.
And I have a bunch of mutual friends
who are on, like, a group text.
And when we found out, and of course, we watched it,
the comments were like, oh my God, what happened to her?
She needs to love herself more.
She needs to get some self-esteem.
And I just think that it's so backwards.
Whenever I hear people say
that people who do porn don't have self-esteem,
I'm like, what are you talking about?
Do you know how much self-esteem it takes to be having sex
and think more people need to see this, you know.
Yeah. (audience applauds)
I don't even want the person I'm having sex with to see it.
I'm like, turn off the lights.
Wear this blindfold but not for kinky reasons.
Like just, don't look.
Don't look.
- Guys are watching too much porn, you know.
Right, ladies?
No, you guys don't watch porn.
Sir, you look sticky, yeah, yeah.
Too much porn, folks.
Porn's become like coffee now.
I do it every day, I barely feel it,
and it's gotta be black.
The problem with porn, just makes everything better.
Look at all the porn categories.
It's all stuff I hate, office, teacher, hospital, gym.
These are things I hate,
but now that it's porn, I'm into it.
Hell, before porn, I hated my step-family.
- Do you see they hung a Nazi flag at that Bernie rally?
I read about that story on CNBC's website, okay.
And they said an image was captured that's circulating
of a swastika flag hanging at a Bernie Sanders' rally.
But they wouldn't show the image.
They wouldn't show the image in the article.
News does that all the time.
They go, hey man, something real (beep) up happened,
and got a picture of it.
But we're not gonna show you
'cause we're afraid you'll be offended.
No, show me the picture
so I don't end up on some government list
'cause I'm Googling Jew Nazi swastika party.
Show me the goddamn picture.
You'll read a story.
It'll be like, a man was caught on video
giving oral sex to a crocodile.
It is wild.
We're not gonna show you, though.
Gotta find that shit on your own.
Thanks, thanks, news, for forcing me onto the dark web
'cause now I can't get a crocodile getting its pussy (beep)
out of my (beep) head right now.