-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here! You made it. Thank you for watching.
♪♪
Well, guys, I want to say congrats
to the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Rams
on advancing to Super Bowl LVI.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow! -Before the season,
the Bengals' odds of winning the Super Bowl were 150-1.
-Ooh. [ Laughter ]
To give you an idea, there are better odds
of finding a rapid test at CVS. -Really?
[ Laughter ] Than going to the Super Bowl.
-Wow! [ Applause ]
-That's true. [ Cheers and applause ]
"I'm sorry." -"Nope."
-"Nope."
And this is crazy. The Super Bowl is being played
in Los Angeles at the Rams' home stadium.
[ Cheers ]
That's right.
Even NFL players are working from home.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. We're two weeks away
from the game, and experts are wondering,
if a Super Bowl doesn't have Tom Brady,
can it still be called the Super Bowl?
I don't know. [ Laughter ]
I don't know.
But this is the Bengals' first Super Bowl appearance
since the '80s. -Ooh.
-A lot has changed since then.
Back then, inflation was high, there was tension with Russia,
and our president was in his late 70s.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, and I saw that during the Bengals/Chiefs games --
This just made me laugh.
Did you see the announcements over at CBS?
-Oh, yeah. -They have a great crew.
They're awesome over there. But at CBS, they're doing
the halftime, talking about the stats and all that stuff.
But they were just in the worst spot
you could possibly be on the field to talk.
But take a look at the halftime report.
Look at this.
-...as we welcome Grammy-nominated
singer-songwriter Walker Hayes!
-...this game... [ Country music plays loudly ]
They score, they go down...
[ Music drowning out dialogue ]
-At what point do you consider blitzing Patrick Mahomes?!
-I have no idea what you just said!
I can't hear a thing anybody is saying!
-[ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh.
The speakers are right behind them!
-Yeah. -Yeah.
It's the first football game where the announcers
got concussions. Unbelievable.
Meanwhile, the big football story from this weekend
wasn't the games.
On Saturday, ESPN reported that Tom Brady is retiring.
But then -- [ Cheers ]
But then, conflicting reports came out
that said Brady hasn't decided yet.
[ Laughter ]
This is what happens when you let the CDC
announce your retirement. [ Laughter ]
You just don't know -- [ Cheers and applause ]
6 feet, 3 feet, 5 days...
[ Applause ]
Brady was like, "I just wanted to see who was happy
so I can destroy them." [ Laughter ]
Let's switch gears. Over the weekend,
former president Trump held a rally in Texas
where he talked about running for President
and said that if he won,
he might pardon the January 6th rioters.
[ Audience groans ]
Even the rioters were like, "Oh, no,
I don't think he can say that." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, there's no way -- no better way to announce
a presidential run than saying, "I'll empty the jails."
[ Laughter ]
Well, the East Coast is recovering
from a massive blizzard that hit this weekend.
Boston actually got one of its biggest snowstorms ever,
but that didn't stop people from going out.
Watch this.
-Have you heard the news about Tom Brady?
-Yes. -What do you make of all that?
-I don't know. I don't know.
Is Gronk next then, I guess?
-I thought he had a couple more years, maybe.
-Where are you guys trying to go right now?
-We're trying to find an open Dunkin' Donuts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Rim shot ] -Can't find them.
-Come on! -No, dude --
-Come on! -That's real.
-Oh, my God.
-We did not do anything to that tape.
That is real. [ Laughter ]
Tom Brady, Dunkin' Donuts.
If they snuck in David Ortiz,
they would have summoned the ghost of Sam Adams.
[ Laughter and applause ]
How Boston is that? Fantastic.
[ Applause ]
You might have a problem when you're willing to put on
ski goggles just to get a pineapple Coolatta.
[ Laughter ]
But they weren't the only ones
who braved the weekend's blizzard.
I saw that a couple in Rhode Island
actually got married outside during the storm.
Here's the happy couple there right there.
Yeah. And this is real.
Here's everyone who showed up to the wedding.
[ Laughter ]
You know it's cold when your "something blue"
are your guests. [ Laughter ]
And finally, a man who lives on a lake in Canada
snapped a photo of a figure that formed when waves
splashed onto the shore and froze around a lamp post.
People are saying it looks like the Grim Reaper.
Take a look at this.
-Ooh. [ Audience "Oohs" ]
-Everyone thought it was the Grim Reaper
until they heard Grandpa whisper, "Help. Help me."
[ Laughter and applause ]
After days of speculation,
today NFL superstar Tom Brady officially retired.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Yeah. Wow. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. Yeah, when they said everyone is quitting their jobs
during the pandemic, they meant everybody.
-Wow.
-Yeah. To celebrate retirement,
Brady ate one carb and instantly gained 40 pounds.
Unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it.
But this is amazing.
Brady is walking away with
the most Super Bowl appearances, wins, and MVPs.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's strange to say,
but he's basically the NFL's Meryl Streep.
-Oh.
-I think it was time to go, though, seriously.
You know you've been around a long time
when you debuted the same year as "The Thong Song."
That's true.
That's right -- right now, Brady's backup in Tampa
is Googling where to buy a football helmet.
Let's switch gears.
Apparently, former president Trump's advisers
have convinced him to stop promoting vaccines
because they're worried it could alienate his supporters.
[ Laughter ]
Don't worry.
To win back his non-science supporters,
Trump is going to stare into an eclipse again.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right -- Trump is desperate.
Right now, he's like, "I'll do anything
in this whole flat world to win you guys back."
Hey, guys, listen to this.
Yesterday, officials caught a chicken
trying to sneak into the Pentagon.
No one really knows what happened.
The story is so bizarre,
it actually inspired me to write a tiny song.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ There's a chicken at the Pentagon, and no one knows why ♪
♪ Are you a normal clucker or an undercover spy? ♪
♪ A chicken at the Pentagon, and we're at a loss ♪
♪ Should we throw you in a prison or some barbecue sauce? ♪
♪ A chicken at the Pentagon, oh, what a crisis ♪
♪ You get 25 to life or 11 herbs and spices ♪
♪ Pentagon chicken, you have our attention ♪
♪ You're raisin' our suspicion ♪
♪ 'Cause you do not have permission ♪
♪ Our government's panic-stricken ♪
♪ Their heart rates have quickened ♪
♪ Were you on a mission or are you just finger-licking good? ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Back to the monologue. [ Laughter ]
Some business news.
Tesla just released and sold out of a new product
called the TeslaMic,
which is a set of karaoke microphones for their cars.
It's gonna be weird when drivers get pulled over
and they're like...
[ Auto-tuned ] ♪ What's the problem, Officer? ♪
♪ I thought the speed limit was 55 ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, this is cool, too.
I saw that Jason Momoa is joining
the "Fast & Furious" franchise.
[ Cheers and applause ] That's amazing.
And Vin Diesel is so excited about it,
he actually made his own teaser trailer for the next movie.
Vin made this. Check this out.
♪♪
-There's nothing more important than family.
And families get stronger when you add a new person
to the family.
Jason Momoa is leaving his fish family behind
to join us, his land family.
But the fish are still his family.
The sharks are family.
The dolphins are family.
Anything in the ocean is family, even the boats.
"Fast & Furious 10: Norwegian Cruise Line."
-Oh, interesting. [ Cheers and applause ]
Wow! That's what it's about?
That's what it's -- Amazing. -Wow!
-Some TV news.
Paramount+ just started production on
a "Grease" prequel series called
"Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies."
Yeah. It takes place before the movie "Grease,"
so in this one, the actors are only 45.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-[As Travolta] Geez, Sandy,
I can't believe I'm in high school.
It's, like, crazy.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-"My hip." -Yeah, I know. Yeah.
My hip broke.
Yo, I can't believe I gotta get hip surgery, right.
[Normal voice] Guys, there was a new episode of
"The Bachelor" last night.
You know we love "The Bachelor" here.
And it was a pretty intense showdown between
Elizabeth and Shenae.
Now, the show can get pretty emotional,
so I thought we could help.
So here's that moment revoiced
with the least-emotional person we know, Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
-[Whispering] Let's get Siri-ous.
-I was upset. I'm mad. I'm angry.
In the house, you make me uncomfortable.
You're toxic.
-Can you define a circumstance of bullying?
-Sounds silly, but you made
shrimp the other day, right?
You asked if I wanted some.
I was like, "Wow. She is being really nice.
I'm going to take some shrimp.
Me and Eliza made some shrimp,
and I'm like, "Hey, let me exchange the offer.
Let me see if these girls in the hot tub want some shrimp."
-Does this sound like bullying to you?
-Please, Elizabeth.
No one turns back to even say just,
"Shenae, no, thank you."
-I wasn't outside when you offered people shrimp.
-You were in the hot tub.
-I have been nothing but kind and respectful to you
in the house, and as soon as Clayton comes around,
all of a sudden, you have an issue.
-I-I just need a -- I'm going to step away for a second.
-Okay.
-Elizabeth looks like Cruella de Vil.
Where's your Dalmatians, bitch?
[ Cheers and applause ] -Whoa.
-"I was in the hot tub when you offered shrimp."
[ Laughter ]
"I was in the hot tub when you offered shrimp."
-Can you get me some shrimp?
-I didn't know you had shrimp. I was in the hot tub.
It's the best.
Guys, I read that the world's top producer of
mozzarella cheese says that it expects
shipping delays to last all year.
Meanwhile, Papa John's released a statement that said,
"Yeah, this doesn't affect us whatsoever."
And, finally, in an effort to save money on cleaning crews,
a city in Sweden is using crows to pick up
cigarette butts off the streets.
I guess some birds are destined for the Pentagon,
while others are stuck picking up old cigarettes.
Today is Groundhog Day. Yeah. That's right.
We spend all year telling people to trust science
then ask a large rodent to predict the weather.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, this morning, Punxsutawney Phil
predicted six more weeks of winter.
[ Audience groans ]
Asked why, Phil said, "'Cause it's February."
[ Laughter ]
"You guys have calendars up there?"
Meanwhile, in New York,
we have a groundhog, and this is real.
In New York, we have a groundhog named Staten Island Chuck.
[ Laughter ] It's true.
And he predicted early spring. -Oh.
-He's just like Punxsutawney Phil,
but he wears a gold chain and smokes a vape pen.
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, spring." [ Clears throat ]
Well, this made me laugh.
On Sunday, Queen Elizabeth will celebrate 70 years as monarch,
but more than 10,000 souvenirs
marking her platinum jubilee actually has a typo.
This is real. It says, "Platinum Jubbly."
[ Laughter ] 10,000.
Look at this. This is real.
Check it out. Zoom in.
-Ohh. [ Laughter ]
-The Queen was not happy with the plates.
For the rest of the day, her office sounded like
a Greek wedding. [ Glass breaking ]
"Opa!" [ Laughter ]
Some sports news -- today, the Washington
Football Team finally announced their new name.
Yep, unfortunately, due to a typo,
they're going to be called the Washington Jubblys.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Actually, Washington changed their name to the Commanders.
They made the announcement today,
but the name was actually leaked last night
when a news helicopter
spotted it on a banner inside the stadium.
Take a look at this.
-Yeah, going out there,
and they just kind of zoom in, and then they saw that.
[ Laughter ]
News director was like, "Uh, what else have you been
looking at with that camera, Lou?"
[ Laughter ]
Every creep with a drone was like, "Damn, way to up the game.
That's not bad, not bad." [ Laughter ]
And today, there's another football story
everyone's talking about.
Former Miami Dolphins coach Brian Flores is suing the NFL
and three teams, claiming that
their hiring practices are racist.
Right now NFL coaches are so white,
when they win the Super Bowl, they're like,
"I'm going to Vineyard Vines!"
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this, guys -- NASA just announced that it will
retire the International Space Station
in 2031 by crashing it
into a remote part of the Pacific Ocean.
[ Laughter ]
Plan was put together by the new head of NASA, Vin Diesel.
[ Laughter ]
Wouldn't it be safer to just leave it in space?
I know there's plenty of room. It's called space.
[ Laughter ]
People like, "I need space." That is space.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, get this -- I read that malls across the country
have been filling empty retail spaces
with surgery centers. -Oh.
-That explains the store I saw the other day
called Appendectomy & Fitch.
[ Laughter ] Now I get it.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a man in Canada spent three days
building a giant snow bear in his backyard
as an early Valentine surprise for his wife.
[ Audience "Awws" ] Take a look at this thing.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, when he said, "Surprise!" she was like,
"Doug, I watched you make this for three days."
The 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics
are officially under way.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
♪♪
I love the Winter Olympics because it features
the last people on Earth
who stuck to their new year's resolutions.
At this year's games, there are 91 countries,
109 events, and 1,000 chances to hear the person next to you say,
"I could do that."
But tonight was the big opening ceremony, and it was --
It's fun, because the only place you see all the countries
get together are the Olympics, the United Nations,
and International House of Pancakes.
So it's exciting.
I read that the official motto of the Winter Games
is "Together for a Shared Future."
Yeah, when asked where they got it from, China said,
"A Verizon commercial."
Meanwhile, the Winter Olympics have an official mascot.
Did you see him? Named Bing Dwen Dwen.
Here he is.
-[ Audience awws ] -Yeah. Yeah.
Looks like something you'd win at a rest-stop claw machine.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I saw that every Olympic sport has its own unique logo
designed for the Games.
For example, here's cross-country skiing.
Yep, and it turns out, while these are official Olympic logos
for Olympic events, they're also unofficial logos
for other things. -Really?
-I'll show you what I mean. Here's another logo.
Officially, it's speed skating.
Unofficially, it's your aunt who just found out about dabbing.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Here's -- Here's the next logo.
Officially, it's luge.
Unofficially, it's trying to fit in your jeans from 2019.
[ Laughter ]
[ Steve pops cheek, squeaks ]
Here's another logo. Officially, it's figure skating.
Unofficially, it's that annoying show-off at yoga class.
It's like, "All right, yeah."
Here's the next logo. Officially, it's skeleton.
Unofficially, it's Spotify's stock price.
That's interesting. -Oh, wow.
They have a logo for that?! -That's the logo for it.
-Wow! -Finally, here's one last logo.
Officially, it's short track speed skating.
Unofficially, it's racing to get the last rapid test at CVS.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Hey, I heard it's going to be the first Winter Olympics
that relies almost entirely on fake snow.
-Oh. -Yeah.
They're going to create over 1 million cubic meters
of fake snow, or roughly one Hallmark Christmas movie.
Well, get this -- a company in China
just unveiled plans for a plane
that can fly 7,000 miles per hour,
which means that you can go from New York to Beijing
in 60 minutes.
Yeah, the company said it's perfectly safe
and that your eyeballs return to their sockets
within hours of landing.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news.
I saw that Costco is once again
selling a 5-pound tub of Pillsbury cookie dough.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Imagine picking up a 4-pound tub of cookie dough and going,
"Nah, I wanted the bigger one."
Yep, Americans saw 5 pounds of cookie dough and said,
"Do you believe in miracles?! Yes!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Yes!"
And finally, you guys, we're all so excited
that the Olympics are here, and of course
we're pumped for all the big events,
but there's one event that doesn't always get
the most attention.
Until now. Take a look.
[ Techno beat plays ]
♪ You think that all Olympic sports ♪
♪ Are glory, gold, and fame, they're not ♪
♪ But there is one that stands above that isn't playing games ♪
♪ No more games, forget the slopes, forget the ice ♪
♪ No, I'm not in the mood, not tonight ♪
♪ 'Cause I want to sing about tonight is doubles luge ♪
♪ Two buds, one sled, try to stay alive ♪
♪ Bodysuit skin tight, spooning while we drive ♪
♪ Spoon me, first sprint, then slide ♪
♪ The hard work never ends ♪
♪ We shoot through all the tubes just like a colon cleanse ♪
Ohh, ow!
♪ Flying fast, making turns in sync with my teammate ♪
♪ I whisper in his ear, "You're really doing great" ♪
♪ Milliseconds for the win ♪
♪ We simply cannot lose, don't lose ♪
♪ Pelvis on pelvis, that is doubles luge ♪
♪ Again ♪
♪ Pelvis on pelvis, that is doubles luge ♪