- [Narrator] Last time on Troopers.
- We are troopers.
Our names are Mara, Wimbledon, and Vin.
- Our first trooper of the week is you.
- Really?
- And of course, you get to guard the orb.
- If have to be stuck somewhere,
I'm just glad it's with the two of you.
- And if we stick toget--
(yelling)
- Fuck the orb, run!
- Oh god!
(instrumental music)
- You simpleton,
worthless sluck!
You plotting,
dimwitted oaf!
You pea-brained!
- Helpful.
- Why would I say helpful?!
That isn't like anything else I said!
- I guess I just wanted you to say it.
- Replay the recording of the
last sighting of the Wayfinder.
(laughing)
She was in the heart of your ship the whole time.
How can she have escaped undetected?
And with the orb no less?
- I don't know sire, maybe this
is an opportunity in disguise.
I kinda feel like the orb is sort
of a vaguely defined McGuffin, anyway,
you know?
- What?
Are you crazy?
The orb is wonderful.
- Right, wonderful, yes, and what exactly does it do again?
- We don't have time to go through the whole orb plan.
Re-read the original email.
- My inbox is kind of a mess right now.
Could you resend it?
- No!
Your incompetence has stimeed me for the last time.
- Stimeed?
- As of this very moment,
I am placing you
under
probation!
- Sorry, could you repeat that?
Your voice gets so distorted
when you do the lightning thing.
- Probation.
I am putting you under probation.
Every time you make a mistake, you get de merit,
and once you have one de merit, you are boiled in acid.
- Hm, sounds painful, but that's life.
- But to ensure that you actually have retrieved the orb,
I am sending you my most trustworthy vessel,
a force of raw evil,
the mistress of management,
the iron consultant,
Valkyrian
Prime.
- Wimbledon died as he lived,
an insignificant pawn whose life was figured away
in a conflict he could barely comprehend.
We can never replace a beautiful soul like Wimbledon.
So we'll replace him with Doug.
- What?
- No, no not Doug!
- Yes, everyone, the rumors are true.
Doug is in the house!
Pew, pew, pew, pew, laser, pew, pew, laser.
- Anyone else, please.
- Seriously!
- Sorry dorks, if y'all didn't want me around,
you shouldn't have let Wimbledon die so hard.
(laughing)
- This funeral is in violation of code 719C
subsection A, no spiritual or emotional catharsis.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
(gasping)
- You're all cited for excessive gasping.
Oxygen isn't free.
- What- what was that?
- Dude, that's Valkyrian Prime.
Clocked more than 200 execution ordinances,
weaponized human resources.
She even got the banking guilds
to garnish our enemies' wages
so they have to reimburse us for the cost of killing them.
- Knees locked.
Never have your guns at your side.
Guns always up.
Halt.
- Ah!
- Why is this precious little fuzbo being executed?
- Valkyrian, Dreadlord ordered him shot
and thrown in the incinerator.
- That's insane.
- Hi, are you my mommy?
- Shooting them wastes ammunition.
The incinerator alone will kill them much more efficiently.
(yelling)
- Oh,
that makes way more sense.
- Yeah.
- Of course it does.
Remember the first precept of terror
form your trooper's guide to a fear-based oligarchy?
There's nothing scary about--
- Inefficiency. - Inefficiency.
- Good.
Now you're both being executed
for interrupting an officer.
(yelling)
(dramatic music)
You!
- What?
- Hi.
Would you do me a quick favor?
Just walk inside holding this clipboard.
- Yes ma'am.
Hey.
(laughing)
- Gotcha.
Guess that's the end of Valkyrian Prime.
- Dreadlord, Valkyrian Prime.
Do you have a minute?
I wanted to go over a few things.
- Uh, yeah just uh, finishing up masturbating,
just clean this up.
- Now, it says here we've got over half our personnel
out on coffee runs and that our long-reach sonar
was retro-fitted.
- Into a bitchin' sound system.
Check it out.
Oh, sick.
Yeah, you feeling it?
Say what?
- Right.
- Buzzkill.
- Tell you what, why don't you walk me
through an average day for Dreadlord.
- Okay, well, let's see.
First I wake up, brush my teeth,
put my armor on, go to the toilet.
- No need to cover the simple stuff,
just the big stuff will do.
- Well, this toilet isn't really simple.
It's one of those smart toilets.
Let me tell you, it's not as smart as it thinks.
- Effective immediately, due to the obvious incompetence
of the current leadership.
- Whatever.
- I will be spearheading all retrieval efforts for the orb.
(audience clapping)
We are sending our best and brightest
after the Wayfinder, and whoever retrieves the orb
will receive a hero's welcome upon their return.
Except for those troopers tasked
with guarding it, I have a little something special
in mind for you.
- Mara, did you hear that?
We're special.
Tube duty?
- A ship is only as strong as its tubes.
They provide our food,
our fuel,
and an industrial brutenous look
that really fits with our aesthetic.
The bridge alone has over 100 tubes.
Now get cleaning.
- Ah!
This seems gross, but surprising lenient.
- I know people tell stories about me,
but I'm not a monster.
I believe in efficiency, and that means I should get
as much work from you as I can before I kill you.
- There it is.
- So, when I return, I will check the security footage
to see who cleaned the most tubes.
First place gets to live,
second place gets thrown out the airlock.
- Oh, what about third place?
Does third place get to leave?
- I'm not putting my money on you.
- Man, it really sucks for you guys
that you have to compete against me.
Three points, I'm gonna clean these tubes
so fucking hard.
- Hold on, let's thing ab--
- Whoo!
- Ah!
- The fuck man?!
You could have killed us!
- And it's against protocol to fire your weapon inside!
- Nah, I thought I could blast the dirt
off the tubes, you know?
- No, I don't know!
- Nah it'll work, it will.
I gotta go down to the armory, re up real quick,
(laughing) blast these tubes up.
- Please, do not do that.
My inner workings are terribly-- (glitching)
- Guess we better get cleaning.
- Or we could just kick back and relax.
I mean, Valkyrian Prime's gonna kill us anyway,
so might as well.
- I mean, she gave us an order.
- Do what you want.
- Oh and that is clean.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, it's the Wayfinder!
- Huh?
- Here!
On the cameras, on the ship!
- Huh?
Oh that's why they couldn't track her,
she never left.
- This could be our chance to redeem ourselves!
- Oh okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
She doesn't know we've seen her.
That means we have all the time in the whole galaxy
to get her right where we want her.
- Insurgent, get some!
- What are you doing? - Doug!
You rodent!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, all right, no problem,
this is fine, this is fine.
We can just use the blast doors to seal them both in.
- [Doug] Vape time, motherfucker!
- There go the blast doors.
- Fucking Doug!
- It's okay, it's okay.
We will cut the power and trap her in this way.
- [Doug] Yeah, beef frank!
(laughing)
- God, power grid's down.
Luckily we have a backup generators?
- Who uses an EMP on a human?
- This is the craziest thing I've ever seen.
Trashrack, I can't believe you're missing this.
(mumbling)
- [Doug] Ah!
I got a big lizard from the big lizard room
and now I'm riding it!
- Who gave him big lizard room clearance?
- Good god.
- Okay, I am going to hold off the escape pods.
There we're sealed,
okay and the only thing that can
break through those is like a--
- [Doug] Disintegration rain!
- No! - No!
He just blew a hole through the ship!
- Ah, there she goes!
Okay, okay, we're not done yet.
If I auto set the tracker beam--
- Or if you put a pod in neutral--
- We can go and collect it--
- In our own pod.
- It's our only- dammit!
- Well, it was our only shot.
- No, maybe she wasn't on that ship.
- Oh no, no.
- Maybe it was Doug or maybe
she's still around and we can--
- No, there's no time, she's gone.
- Everything was aligned, this was my chance to matter.
- Come on, let's get back to those tubes.
It was stupid to get our hopes up in the first place.
Two troopers trying to catch Wayfinder, that's dumb.
- Dumb?
Dumb is the look on Dreadlord's face
when we comeback with the orb and the Wayfinder.
- But she's gone.
Also, you can see Dreadlord's face.
- Yeah, hear me out, she's gonna leave in an escape pod,
if we get to the IT department quickly,
we can track her.
- But the IT department's on a different planet.
- So we take our own escape pod.
- Oo!
Stealing
a pod?!
- Yeah.
- That's theft and desertion,
the least and most serious crimes
in the legion respectively.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
we were told to clean tubes and await our execution.
- You love the legion, right?
What's better for the greater good?
Two dead troopers, a few clean tubes or the orb?
And tow new heroes?
- Well, I mean, I mean it wouldn't
be theft or desertion if we came back.
- Hell yeah, come on, let's do it!
- For the Interstellar Legion!
- For glory!
(mumbling)
- Trashy, we were having a moment here.
- Be cool for once.
(dramatic music)