Are you looking for some healthy ways to discipline your child? You'll want to
watch this video. By the end of this one, you'll have 5 specific ideas. The
research in psychology has been very, very clear about this. In fact, it's
probably the thing that is the most clear in the whole industry. Kids need
2 things to be well-adjusted and happy. And those 2 things are love and
discipline. Sometimes researchers use different terms for that. Like warmth and
structure. Well, does that sound like love and discipline to you?
So, finding healthy ways to discipline our children is really essential to
their development. And it helps us feel better as parents too. Because don't you
get tipped over sometimes when you end up doing something that wasn't so
healthy? What I've found is that most parents get frustrated or confused when
they're trying to deal with a child who's on stage 1 in their moral
development. If you're not familiar yet with the stages of moral development
spend some time on the positive parenting playlist here on our Channel.
Or you can connect to the parenting power-up there's a link in the
description. Where we get into detail about those stages of moral development.
The confusion that we have or the frustration that we feel is usually
because this child should be doing something more mature but they're not.
That means that we as parents have to step up and take a higher level of
control. Here's 5 tips that will help us to have a more healthy approach to
discipline. Tip number 1, separate the emotion from the discipline.
You get tipped over sometimes when you're disciplining your child. This is
counterproductive because it gives the child a false sense of control over a
big person who should be in control of their emotions. Separating the emotion
from the discipline puts you in a powerful position as a parent. So, it's
all business. We take the emotion out of the discipline. It's all cool. It's all
calm. I'm going to maintain a calm face voice and body as I engage in the
discipline for the children. This is easier said than done. Because our
emotions get sucked into it. Notice that your emotions become relevant when you
are feeling frustrated angry or resentful about what your child is doing.
Those 3 feelings --frustration, anger and resentment are really great
indicators that you need to get into control. And it's distracting to feel
those feelings because it seems like somebody else needs to get into control.
Well, even though that might be true, your frustration and anger is because you are
out of control. That's why we need to focus on what you can control instead of
what you can't. And that's going to help us to remove the emotion from the
discipline. Let's let that move us in to tip number 2. Think versus fight. Think
versus fight. What do you want your kids to do? Think or fight? You want them to
think. Because when they're thinking they make pretty good decisions. When they're
fighting, not so much. This rule goes for everyone including you as a parent. Think
not fight. If you're feeling like fighting, you're off. Get back focused on
thinking so that you can come up with some
strategies for how to approach the discipline in a completely businesslike
way because you've already separated the emotion from the discipline. Think not
fight. I'm going to help you with that because the videos that we've put up on
the positive parenting playlist here on the channel are full of ideas for you to
help you do just that. Keep thinking and let's encourage the
kids to do the same. Here's a little insight about that. When mom's smiling,
kids are thinking. When mom's smiling, kids are thinking. This goes for dad too.
It freaks him out a little bit at first. Because if they're used to tipping you
over and we've got the emotion all tied in to the discipline still. Then they've
got you. They know that they're in control. When you separate the emotion
from the discipline and you're smiling, they wonder what you're up to.
And they start to get nervous. Think not fight. Now tip number 3. Let
consequences and empathy do the teaching. A lot of times as parents we get into
the old 3 R's of parenting. Do you remember what those are Rant, Rave and Rescue.
It's where we ball them out and we bail them out. Instead of doing that, we're
going to allow the consequences to fall. Now, a lot of times we get all
emotionally tied up in our kids choices because we really don't want them to
have the consequences, do we? No. We're trying to protect their little Souls. So,
we instead, ball them out for whatever it is that we're trying to discipline them
over. And then we bail them out and let them have the privileges that they
haven't earned through their choices. Can you connect with this at some level? When
we do this, we teach our kids inadvertently that the only thing that
matters is that they have to put up with a little bit of noise. And for kids, bad
breath is better than no breath at all. So, they'll do that all day long. It also
tells them that what really matters here is mom or dad's mood. If they're in a
good mood, then I can get what I want. If they're in a bad mood, then I have to
put up with a little bit of noise and then I'm still gonna get what I want.
Really? Is that what we want to teach our kids? Let's let the consequences fall.
I can guarantee you, your kids can handle whatever consequences they are
developmentally bringing on to their plate. They can handle it. They might not
send you the message that they can handle it. "Oh, I can't." Right? That doesn't mean
that they can't handle it. So, let the consequences fall. And then let's add
that second part. Empathy. You let empathy be the emotional response that you give
your kids. Empathy has 2 important components. It means that you understand
and care how someone else feels. And you do. You already do. You care how your
child feels that's why you've been bailing them out. Instead of bailing them
out, join with them in that feeling. "Oh, this is hard for you buddy, isn't it?" See,
that's empathy. Not in a "I told you so" sort of a way. Connect with them.
Understand and care how your kids feel. Use consequences and empathy to do the
teaching. Tip number 4 goes right back to our main parenting model. You balance
control with maturity. Control and maturity are inextricably tied together.
You have control because of maturity. This is what we want to teach the kids.
The more mature they are, the more control they get to have. And it's all
business because we've separated the emotion from the
discipline. You see how these tips are tying together? Now, if you're not sure
what I mean by control and maturity, that's where I want to send you back to
the positive parenting playlist teaching kids responsibility is one of the videos
we did that outlines this particular pattern for you. And you can always
connect to it also at the Parenting Power-Up. Click through in the links down
below and you'll see what I mean. Now, one final tip for today's video.
Focus on choice and accountability. A little tip that I've shared in other
videos here is to always give your kids 2 choices. Both of which you are okay
with. And one of which you control without getting into all of the details
about how to do that particular skill. This is a really powerful way to have a
healthy approach to discipline. Because you're focusing on choice. You can do
this or you can do that. Either way is okay with me. Make sure you're okay with
both ways. Because if you give you kids a choice that you're okay with and one
that you're not okay with, guess what's one they're going to pick? I'm okay either
way. And then you're smiling. When parents are smiling kids are thinking. And that
was one of our tips for today think not fight. Think versus fight. You can do this,
you can do that. Either ways okay with me. You choose. And you control one of those
choices which means you control the consequences for that choice. That one
becomes default and that's the one that we go to if they refuse to choose or if
they very creatively choose door number 3. The accountability part of this
particular tip is where they get to receive the consequences for their
choice. Whether it's positive or unpleasant. They get to own the
consequences. That's the accountability part. And you don't bail them out as a
parent. Hopefully those tips will help you to have a healthier approach to
discipline. I've mentioned several times in this video the Parenting Power-Up. You
can connect to it in the links down below.
parentingpowerup.com. The reason I created this course is so that you can
feel like a positive parent that you have all of the tools and ideas and
resources you need to keep smiling and not get tipped over by all of the stuff
that comes up for parents.