Russia.
It's like if a frown was a country.
For years, only one prominent politician
has had the courage or stupidity
to stand up to the autocratic ruler Vladimir Putin.
But for Putin,
that was apparently one too many.
NEWSMAN: Doctors in Germany say
a critic of Russian president Vladimir Putin
was likely poisoned.
Remember, doctors in Siberia blamed Alexei Navalny's illness
on a drop in blood sugar.
Navalny was flown to Berlin for treatment this weekend.
The Russian dissident is in an induced coma.
His supporters believe that somebody poisoned his tea
before he got on a flight in Russia.
Over the past several years, other Kremlin critics
have been involved in apparent poisonings
or suffered mysterious deaths.
That's right. Russia's most prominent dissident
was poisoned at the airport.
And that means it was either Vladimir Putin
or he ate the food at LaGuardia.
Either way, we need a full investigation.
No, I mean, come on, let's be real.
It was most probably Vladimir Putin.
I mean, the man uses so much poison,
I wouldn't be shocked if we find him
at the poison aisle in Costco.
"Should I buy 24-pack or 36?
Eh, you always end up using it."
That's what makes it even more ridiculous--
that the Russian doctors
didn't diagnose this as a poisoning.
Although maybe that's how they teach it
in Russian medical school.
"Doctor, this political dissident drank tea
and then he collapsed."
"Yes. Looks like he has a very common case of the sleepies.
It happens to people who don't keep their mouth shut."
I got to say, it must be terrifying to live in a country
where the leaders stay in power
by trying to poison opposition candidates.
So much more chill to be in a country
where they can just do it by shutting down the post office.
But democracy in America isn't defeated just yet,
because, yesterday, Democrats in Congress
called the postmaster general, Louis DeJoy,
to get answers out of him
about what the hell is going on with the USPS.
Postmaster General Louis DeJoy
appearing on Capitol Hill yesterday
to defend recent changes to the U.S. Postal Service ahead
of the November election.
The hearing before the House Oversight Committee
was, at times, combative.
In an exchange with Congresswoman Katie Porter
of California, DeJoy acknowledged
a lack of familiarity
with some basic aspects of the Postal Service.
You don't know the cost to mail a postcard?
(chuckles) I don't.
What if it's, like, one of those greeting cards
that's a square envelope?
Then what is the postage?
I'll submit that I know, uh,
v-very little about a postage stamp.
Within a million or so, can you tell me
how many people voted by mail in the last presidential election?
No, I cannot.
To the nearest ten million?
(chuckles)
-I will be h... -Is that a no, Mr. DeJoy?
I would be guessing,
and I don't want to guess.
I'm glad you know the price of a stamp,
um, but I'm concerned about your understanding of this agency.
Goddamn.
This guy's, like, the worst person
to bring to a trivia night.
"Okay, the next question is,
"what do you call the box that you put mail in?
"Oh, my God!
"Thank God we've got the postmaster general on our team!
What do you think, DeJoy?"
"Um, okay, I know this one.
"They're blue. (inhales)
"Oh, I'm taking all of them away.
Oh, I should know this..."
But, in a way,
this is kind of refreshing to watch.
I mean, we're so used to seeing guys in power mansplaining
and going, "Well, actually..."
It's refreshing to see a man who's just, like,
Look, lady, you tell me. I don't know shit."
But let's move on to Jerry Falwell Jr.,
president of America's foremost evangelical university
and werewolf that quit mid-transformation.
Falwell has been a fixture
of the Christian conservative movement for 15 years,
since following his famous father into the family business.
But now, all of a sudden, he's not.
All right, breaking overnight--
influential evangelical leader Jerry Falwell Jr. is indeed out
as president of Liberty University
after a tumultuous day where his fate lurched back and forth.
Falwell was put on indefinite leave two weeks ago,
after he posted a photo on social media showing him
and a woman, both with their pants unbuttoned.
NEWSWOMAN: Questions about Jerry Falwell Jr.'s leadership
at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia,
come after Giancarlo Granda claimed
in an interview with Reuters
that he had a years-long sexual relationship
involving Falwell's wife and the evangelical leader.
Granda said he was 20 when he met the Falwells
while working as a pool attendant
at a Miami Beach hotel in March of 2012.
Granda said their relationship continued until 2018
and involved him having sex with Becki Falwell
while Jerry Falwell looked on.
Okay, look, let's start off with this.
What consensual adults do in their sex life
is up to them,
and I don't judge anybody for anything.
You do whatever tickles your exposed fly.
But Falwell has made it his business
to judge what everyone else is doing with their sex lives.
He speaks out against gay relationships.
And until just five years ago,
students at his university weren't allowed
to do anything beyond holding hands
or even watch R-rated movies.
Meanwhile, he's apparently letting this pool boy
check his wife's chlorination levels.
Honestly, sometimes I think guys like this
are reading a different Bible to the rest of us.
Because the Bible I read says to love thy neighbor
and judge not lest you be judged first.
But this guy's Bible is like,
"These gays are gross!
But here's something you can do that's super hot."
And, look, I've said it before--
nothing is more dangerous to a relationship
than a sexy pool boy.
That is why I only use one of those pool cleaning robots.
I mean, don't get me wrong--
I still try to smash the thing, but it's not interested.
And, finally, an update on the terrible fires
sweeping Northern California.
The firefight continues
for firefighters in Northern California,
where three major wildfires are still burning in the Bay Area.
Two of those fires are the second and third largest
ever recorded in California.
In one week, the fires have scorched
more than 1.2 million acres,
an area the size of Rhode Island.
NEWSMAN: California has seen roughly 600 new wildfires
pop up in just the past week.
It's due to a combination of hot, dry weather
and some 12,000 lightning strikes.
NEWSMAN 2: This is Big Basin Redwoods.
It was devastated by flames.
However, many of those huge, massive redwood trees
have survived, despite being burned.
Okay, first of all, it is such a relief
that most of the redwood trees survived this fire.
Also, I like how they mentioned
these fires are the size of Rhode Island.
You know? Three things are certain in life:
death, taxes,
and a California fire being compared
to the size of a random state
because we're all terrible at math.
So, if you're keeping score at home,
we've got 1.2 million acres of wildfire,
two hurricanes in one week,
and a pandemic raging across America.
I don't know if those are signs from God,
but, if I was Jerry Falwell Jr.,
I'd maybe stick to cold showers for a few weeks.