- So often we get conditioned
that you can't show interest in someone
if you want them to like you back.
Like, we've gotta play it cool.
The less interested you are,
the more they will actually want you.
While there's elements of that
that might resonate or might seem like,
well, yeah, you see other people doing that and that works,
to me, that just feels like game playing,
because if you are interested,
there's gonna be that desire to show interest.
And so what is that way of being
that really draws people in?
Well, then really looking at this over the last decade,
there's really five factors,
five elements to a way of being that just becomes magnetic.
And so we're gonna unpack that today
and explore it so that you can amplify
in an authentic, natural way that feels good to you
these five factors, and really become magnetic
to the person that you're interested in.
The first factor is be interested instead of interesting.
There's this instinct that says
we've gotta impress the person that we like
because we want them to like us.
And so what that'll turn into is overs.
Like we'll try to kind of over impress them.
We'll laugh bigger than we normally laugh,
we will maybe tell stories
about our accolades or improvement.
We'll try to show how smart we are.
We'll try to, like, be really impressive.
I remember when I was dating my wife,
I really wanted to be funny
and I really wanted to make her laugh
and I wanted to show her this amazing time,
and that tends to come across
like you're coming on too strong.
Way more effective is be interested.
Be interested in them.
Because remember, everyone's favorite topic is themselves,
so the more interested you are in them,
their life, their values, who they are,
it actually generates this state of expansion
in the other person because they like sharing about them.
It also lets them know that you're interested
in truly getting to know them
versus just getting you to like them,
which is a big difference.
So the first key here is focus
on prioritizing being interested instead of interesting.
The second way of being is high engagement, low attachment.
What does that mean?
It's okay to show interest in the other person,
like you're interested in them,
but you also want to show that you're attracted to them.
You're romantically interested in them.
You want to flirt with them.
It's okay to have high engagement but low attachment,
meaning you're not attached to it working out,
you're not attached to them being the one for you.
Because over interest doesn't scare people away.
It's overinvestment that scares people away.
And you know what I'm talking about,
is that person who gets over attached, like, "You're it.
"You're the one,
"like you're everything that I'm looking for,"
and then you're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, like slow down."
You know, it's that attachment that freaks us out.
Instead, it's okay to have high engagement,
show high interest.
You actually want to show the person
that big green light of interest,
like, "Yeah, you're cool and I like you
"and there's a lot going on with you
"and your world that I'm interested in,"
and you're got all kinds of options going on.
This creates this beautiful energy of freedom,
freedom to express and freedom to be and freedom to share.
I'll share with you a quick example of this.
A client of mine has been really working
on this high engagement, low attachment,
and she's commented on this newfound freedom that she has.
And so she went for this walk.
She ended up walking into this store
and she saw this super hot guy and she was like,
"Oh my gosh, that guy's amazingly good looking."
And so she gets whatever she needs from the store.
She stands in line, and guess who stands right behind her?
Mr. Hot Pants, right?
Like, she's looking back, and she's like,
"What would I do if I'm high engaged, low attached?"
And she was like, "I would tell him how good looking he is."
And so she turns to him and she goes,
"Look, I've never said this before,
"but I just wanna let you know,
"you are extremely attractive."
And he kind of blushes and he kind of smiles,
and he goes, "Well, actually I find you really attractive."
And she's like, "Really?"
So they start talking,
exchange numbers, and they go on a date.
Think about that.
She was blown away.
She was like, "I would've never said that.
"The previous version of me would've been too scared,
"would've been scared of getting rejected,
"scared of, like, what if he wants a relationship
"if I think he's hot?"
She was like, "No."
High engagement, low attachment is a beautiful vibe
that's magnetic and that creates opportunities.
And the third way of being dovetails and connects
right with the second, high engagement, low attachment,
and you wanna combine that with being selective,
being selective.
See, when you're pouring energy onto somebody
and you're giving them this big green light,
you also wanna match it with this energy of selectivity,
and that is distinguishes
your interest from overinvestment, and here's what I mean.
When you're on a date with somebody,
you wanna say phrases like,
"You know, I'm really attracted to you
"and it takes a really special person to win my heart."
Or, "I'm open to love
"and I don't rush into new relationships.
"I like to take my time
"and really make sure that it's right."
What's great about that is that the person then relaxes
knowing that you're not going to attach
as an instant relationship.
They know that you are looking for something special.
They're gonna have to earn the right
to be in that relationship with you,
and it's a beautiful demonstration of,
it's that sweet combination of interest and selectivity
that makes you highly desirable.
The fourth way of being is to own your standards,
own your standards.
It goes along with being selective.
See, you're selective
in that you're not just gonna get with anybody,
and part of what drives the selectivity
is someone who's measuring up to your standards.
So, when do you want to kiss?
Is it the first date? Is it the third date?
When do you wanna sleep with somebody?
How far along does the relationship have to be
before you're willing to jump into bed with them?
Like, what are your standards
before you're willing to be exclusive with them
or invite them over to your house to make a meal?
When you're holding your standards,
what you're doing is you're filtering out
the guys who aren't gonna respect your standards.
On a coaching call recently, a woman asked,
"You know, what about the really great guys
"who are really good looking but they are really turned off
"when I tell 'em what my standards are,
"that I'm not gonna sleep with them right away?"
And I'm like, "Good. This is great."
Half of manifesting your man faster
is getting rid of the wrong guys faster,
clearing the way so you can make room
for the right guy to come into your life.
You don't want to be distracted with the guy
who's not gonna respect your standards,
because that guy isn't ultimately
showing love in the relationship.
He's showing selfishness. What's in it for him?
Can you be on his timeline instead of him respecting you
and really what you feel comfortable with?
So do not be scared of sharing your standards
because standards are sexy.
And the fifth way of being
that really creates this magnetic energy
is creating a life that you love,
creating a life that you love, and here's why.
When you're creating a life that's outside of work,
that's outside of kind of the chores and the normal mundane,
when you're going after things that you love to do,
it might be a new hobby where you're gonna learn
to snowboard this year,
or you're gonna take up this hiking class
or this dancing class or this cooking class,
or you're gonna learn something,
you're gonna travel to the place you've always wanted to go,
maybe you've always wanted to go to Utah
or you've always wanted to go to Paris
and you're doing things that bring you alive,
you can't mistake that alive energy.
It's contagious.
He loves that.
Not only will your energy be expanded,
but what you share and what you talk about is expanded.
It's now the size of your world
and your conversation just got bigger,
and he's gonna wanna be a part of that.
He's gonna wanna, he's gonna catch fire with that.
He's gonna wanna, you'll inspire him
to go take on new activities in his life
or you'll inspire him to join you
in the activities that you're doing.
These five elements create this magnetic,
beautiful mix of beingness that is super attractive
and that draws your partner in.
So my question for you is,
what's the way of being that a man shows up with
that you find incredibly attractive, that draws you in?
What ways of being are you really looking for
in someone that you are gonna create
a beautiful relationship with?
Go ahead and post that in the comments section below.
I appreciate you.
Here's to your incredible love life.
Thanks so much for watching and I'll see you soon.
(uplifting music)