Fans agree: Captain America: Civil War is one of the best superhero movies ever made.
But just because it's awesome doesn't mean it's perfect.
We're more than willing to forgive Marvel their few mistakes, but in the spirit of constructive
criticism, here's a look at some of the dumb things in Captain America: Civil War that
everyone just ignored.
Tony Stark's terrible phone
Product placement in big movies is inescapable these days, but this is pure marketing shenanigans
run amok.
In the first Iron Man film, Stark used what was, at the time, the most cutting-edge phone
around, the LG VX9400.
"Iron Man ability, LG ingenuity, together in every LG phone."
In Iron Man 2, he got a slate of sci-fi glass branded with LG and Stark Tech logos.
But in Civil War?
It's a Vivo V3, a fairly cheap phone mainly available in Asia.
The move was done for product placement for when the movie showed in that market.
But for a tech billionaire like Stark?
It just seems silly.
He should be using something so cool we can't even imagine it...not something anyone could
pick up at a corner shop.
That security camera on a nowhere back road
Bad guy Helmut Zemo has a sinister plan that revolves around grainy security footage of
the Winter Soldier killing Tony Stark's parents.
So, two big questions here: why is there a security camera on a random, deserted backwoods
road, and how on Earth did the footage survive to the present day, considering Winter Soldier
shoots out the camera when he's done?
It's an amazing coincidence beyond belief that there just happened to be a security
camera on a tree right where Howard Stark's car crashed.
Unless that's the Winter Soldier's lucky killing tree.
How'd they make that Spidey suit so fast?
Tony Stark convinces Spider-Man to join his cause in part with the promise of building
him a high-tech new costume.
"You're in dire need of an upgrade.
Systemic, top to bottom, 100 point restoration that's why I'm here."
Just a few hours later, Spidey shows up already wearing the completed suit.
That was fast!
Has Tony secretly been working on a Spider-Man suit in his spare time all along?
Maybe Tony's hobby is designing clothes for all his buddies!
That would explain the Vision's sweaters, anyway.
That scheme's not what it seems...
Zemo's big plan to cause the Avengers to destroy themselves works amazingly well, especially
considering it doesn't actually make any sense and relies entirely on coincidence.
"An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again.
But one which crumbles from within?
That's dead."
For starters, there's that unexplained, tree-based security camera footage we mentioned earlier.
But that's just the start.
What about the fact that the big showdown at the end of the film only works if Iron
Man happens to follow Captain America to the bunker?
That's something Zemo couldn't possibly have known would happen.
If Iron Man had stayed put, the end of the movie would just have been Cap kicking Zemo's
butt and then stomping the incriminating videotape into pieces.
An even bigger coincidence: his plan is designed to cause the Avengers to fight amongst themselves.
But by the time his plan starts, they are already fighting with each other over the
Sokovia Accords...
"Sometimes I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth."
Which means his whole plan is kinda...pointless?
Especially since he could have accomplished everything he wanted by simply emailing the
video to Tony Stark instead of trying to trick him into flying all the way to Siberia to
view it on a VHS tape.
Hey, Tony could've just watched the video on his Vivo smartphone!
Whatever happened to that doomsday virus?
The movie begins with a breathless action sequence as the Avengers try to stop the villain
Crossbones from stealing a deadly biological weapon.
Just as Captain America is about to learn who's behind the theft, Crossbones blows himself
up.
And then… everyone gets so busy making speeches they forget to wonder who was hiring supervillains
to steal a doomsday virus and, more importantly, why.
Was it Zemo?
Or maybe the ghost of Robert Redford?
Or was Ultron up to his old tricks again?
Maybe we'll learn the answer when everyone suddenly turns into zombies Avengers 3.
Where were Nick Fury and SHIELD?
Nick Fury was basically the architect of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and played a significant
role in just about every big event within the MCU.
Well...at least he did.
Because you'd think he might have something to say about the events of Civil War.
Yet he was completely and mysteriously absent from the film.
"Get me off the grid!"
Also missing?
Fury's second in command, Maria Hill, who we last saw helping train the new super-team
at the end of Age of Ultron.
So what the heck happened to her?
And then there's the total absence of SHIELD, which has been going strong on television
even as the movies continue to conspicuously ignore their existence.
Given that SHIELD's whole mission at the beginning of the MCU was to provide oversight to superhero
activities, it would make sense for them to be at least a little involved with the Sokovia
Accords.
But apparently SHIELD, Nick Fury, and Maria Hill were all busy taking a long vacation
in Tahiti.
"You should go sometime."
"Where?"
"Tahiti.
It's a magical place."
Flip-floppers
Between Tony Stark's creation, Ultron, blowing up Sokovia in Avengers: Age of Ultron and
the Scarlet Witch taking out part of a building in Civil War, the Avengers sure have a lot
to answer for.
But not to the government!
Remember, this is the same government that tried to nuke New York City in Avengers!
"I got a nuke coming in it's gonna blow in less than a minute."
It's beyond hypocritical for the government to get upset at the Avengers for causing collateral
damage when they were planning to kill literally millions of their own citizens to stop some
aliens.
The recruits don't fit
When it's time for the big showdown, Captain America and Iron Man go on recruiting missions.
But the folks they end up with don't really make sense.
In Ant-Man, Scott Lang spends the whole film trying to go straight, leaving the criminal
life behind so he could be a good dad to his daughter.
That goes out the window with no explanation, as Ant-Man becomes a fugitive again pretty
much because he has a man-crush on Chris Evans.
Which… fair enough.
"Wow!
This is awesome!
Captain America.
I know you too, you're great!
Jeez."
And that goes double for Hawkeye, who actually retired at the end of Avengers 2 to spend
time with his wife and family...only to end up in a secret prison in the middle of the
ocean.
Because…well, we don't know why, because it's never addressed.
"Hey Clint."
"Hey man."
"Clearly retirement doesn't suit you.
You got tired of shootin golf?"
"Well I played 18, shot 18, just can't seem to miss."
Meanwhile, on the other side, Tony Stark goes ahead and recruits a nerdy high school kid
and throws him into combat against Captain Freaking America, not to mention the Winter
Soldier, the deadliest assassin the world has ever known.
"You have a metal arm?
That is awesome dude!"
That's just negligent.
Aunt May would never be cool with that, Tony.
That's a straight-up dealbreaker, dude.
(Marisa Tomei freaking out on Robert Downey Jr.)
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