Do you want to know the only three parenting styles
and their effects on life? I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting,
good communication and how to improve family relationships all over the world,
through the lens of the principal self government. And in this video, we're going to be talking about
parenting styles, and what effects they might be having that you might not be aware of.
In this video, I'm going to talk about the confusion about parenting styles,
and why people aren't sure what type of parent they really are. And I'm going to talk about the
three types of parenting styles that you really have to choose between and give you some help at
becoming the best parent possible. Years ago, I wrote this book called Popular Parenting Methods
in an effort to help parents recognize that there really are only three choices
on the types of parenting. So many people talk about militant parents, they talk about
assertive parenting, they talk about passive parenting, they talk about aggressive parenting,
they talk about all these different types of parents things that you can have. But in reality,
you really can sum it up to only three types. Here's the thing. Many of us are a mix of the
types, one minute or in one circumstance where one type, and then another minute, we switch to
the other type. And this is because we don't have consistent methods for how to solve the problems.
So in this book, I talk about the three different types of parenting. It's called Popular Parenting
Methods. And I also expose some of the tricks or traps that we fall into because of those parenting
styles in our culture. I'm going to be talking about a few of those tricks and traps now.
What I've recognized is if there are too many options at what type of a parent to become,
an all of them seem like it's okay, like, Oh, I'm going to be a positive parent.
Or I'm going to be a parent that raises chickens, what is that called? The Free Range parent, right?
Where I'm going to be the helicopter parent, or I'm going to be, there's all these different words
that go along with parenting. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what type of parenting
whether you're an organic parent, or whatever that you feel like you're trying to follow,
they all fall into one of these three categories. So what are the three categories? They are either
bully-fear based parent, modern-progressive parent, or traditional strict parent. Years ago,
I was on a BBC documentary called The World's Strictest Parent. Sounds crazy, right? So
on the world's strictest parents, they brought to troubled teens to stay in my home for eight days.
And you can actually see some of my reaction videos here on this channel. So you can see
that production of the world's strictest parents that happened back in 2009. And what you see is
that for two days, they had tantrums they fought me, they ran away multiple times. But I maintain
consistency at the type of parenting that I wanted to have. Why? Because I'm strict. I
am a strict parent, I didn't think I was until I signed up to be on this program. Well, I shouldn't
say signed up, they had to pretty much forced me. I didn't want to do it. But anyway, I said,
Okay, fine, I'll do it. But I didn't want to be known as strict, who wants to be called strict.
That's not very fun. And so I actually looked the word strict up. And it said that strict was
a person who governs themselves by a certain set of principles. And I actually do that my
principles in my practice match. I worked very hard at doing that when I was a treatment foster
parent for a lot of years. So anyway, because of this, people started asking me to teach all about
parenting and stuff like that. So I stayed firm, with my strictness. So there's traditional strict,
and it's not a bad thing. In fact, it's the goal, we're going to talk about how to become a really
great, traditional strict parent. So let's get talking about these three different types of
parenting that really are the only three types. But before we do, click the subscribe button. Now,
there's a lot of great content on this channel that's going to help you be a more traditional
strict type of a parent. That's going to help you be more calm and happy, and hopefully unified
in your family too. Click on subscribe now. So let's talk about the bully fear based type
of parenting sounds kind of scary, right? And I think most people don't want to do that type
of parenting because it's draining. It is so emotionally draining to have to power struggle
with the children all of the time to be militant, to micromanage all the things that are happening.
Now most people can't maintain their energy to do it for a long time. So you know what they do?
They actually go bully fear base, and then all of a sudden they'll pick one of the other two types
of parenting for a minute, and then they'll go back to bully fear base when they feel like it's
necessary. So this is why I can say there's really only three types of parenting because
most people are a collection of them one moment they're one type, and then they do another type,
or they see themselves as one type. But then actually, they're behaving as another type of
parenting. So what does it look like for the bully fear based parent? So the bully fear based parent
is going to make decisions based on a principle that they use called positive legalism. Okay? So
positive legalism means is it legal according to this ruler. So what that means is, if it bugs me,
it's wrong, if I like it is right, which actually is not very principled, it's just very emotional.
So the children have to work around the emotions of that particular parent. At any given minute,
what happens is the children end up learning to work the system. The parent sees themselves as the
leader, but actually, they are not necessarily the leader, they're more like a tyrant.
And everybody else just has to be passive. If they start to fight the bully, then we have
conflict, and the bully feels like they have to win. So this is a very common thing. People will
say to me stuff like, oh, my word Nicholeen, I've got to ask you a question every day at my house
feels like World War Three. Okay, well, there you go. That's what it feels like oftentimes,
that you have to win the battle. You know, and I'll hear parents say that, well, I just had
to win that battle. Well, it shouldn't feel like a battle between each other. If it's good parenting,
then the child should recognize they're having a battle with themselves. And the parent should
recognize they're having a battle with themselves. That's how we know that everybody's gonna go to
self government. And in the end, everyone actually wins if they learn the principles
and skills of self government. So that's what I'm known for teaching is self government,
we're going to talk about which category of parenting that fits into. But before we do,
let's talk about the modern progressive parent. So the modern progressive parent feels like they
are incredibly enlightened, they feel like they have had a cultural revolution on parenting,
they are not going to tell the child everything to do. In fact, what they're going to do is they're
going to burden their child with all of the burden of making every decision for themselves without
any experience, the child who has minimal life experience and a small frontal cortex
has to now decide which religion they'll be what's right and wrong, good and bad, true and false,
if they should watch that much TV or not watch that much TV, if they should be on a device or
not on advice, how to regulate themselves on their device, what type of friends they should pick,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. There was a woman who said to me one time,
she was talking about her children, she was talking about Halloween, and she said, you know,
it bugs me that parents are so picky about Halloween around here. She said, You know, they
don't let their kids dress in certain ways. You know, with certain they call some costumes
too dark, or they tell their kids they have to stop trick or treating at certain ages. She's
like, my kids will know if their costume is too dark. My kids will know when they need to be done
trick or treating, you know? And she was saying this, and I said, oh, that's very interesting.
And but I thought to myself, how would they know? How would they know for themselves what is
appropriate if no one ever teaches the what's appropriate? Why do we have a problem in society,
with children not having any respect for parental authority, this is a huge issue. Huge,
we have a lot of people not having respect for any authority whatsoever. Maybe our whole society is
becoming a little tyrannical. Maybe that's why or maybe the society is becoming too permissive.
And that's why both of those leads to lack of respect for for authority or parental authority,
especially within the home. If a parent has children who are very disobedient to them, chances
are really high that the parent hasn't set enough boundaries, and done enough consistent teaching,
at least in a calm and productive way. So this mother that was talking to me about
the Halloween decision and stuff went on later to tell me all of the problems with her children
disrespecting her, and how it bothers her so bad, that they're so rude, and stuff like that. And I
thought, well, there you go. They're disrespecting you because you're not really apparent in their
life, your role is not actually important to them. So this brings me to another book that you might
want to know about. This book is called Roles, the secret to family, business and social success.
There are such a thing as parent roles, even if you don't acknowledge them, they are there. And
there are roles in the family for the children to what is the role of mother, what is the role
of father, what is the role of 17 year old son or 11 year old daughter, they all have roles in the
family. And these roles aren't things like their responsibility, like who does the dishes, but the
roles are more like who they are to each other. No one can replace mother, no one can replace father.
And we know that if we go through a divorce, we know that there's this little hole that's there
that we keep trying to replace and fix. But at the end of the day, it's not fully replaceable.
It's irreplaceable. And so we just then have to make do, if that's the situation that we find
ourselves in. So roles are vital to the identity and unity of the family, and they help the family
be more productive. So look for this book Roles, the secret to family business and social success,
you can actually find it on teachingselfgovernment.com, the focus of the bully fear based
family is self preservation, everybody's just trying to preserve themselves in their sanity,
the stress is raining out in the family, and some people have to be passive, and some people get to
be aggressive. That's how it happens in the modern progressive family, the focus is self discovery.
So what are we going to find? You go find your things, it's going to be so exciting. But in
this pathway to self discovery, most people end up very lost, very alone, very disconnected. And it
makes home life not feel like the happiest place suddenly. So what is the solution? The solution is
actually the traditional strict type of parents to become a really effective parent, it's good
to have your principal in your practice match each other. So when your principal and practice
match each other, then you actually are strict. A strict parent is in our current day and age, the
most revolutionary of all of the parents, they are the ones that identify principles. And then they
structure their behavior, their own thoughts and their words to actually match those principles.
That is hard work. People say parenting is the hardest work. And I think they think,
oh, it's emotionally draining. But that's only if you're modern, progressive, or if you are bully
fear base. But it's really hard work also for the traditional strict parent, because they have to
constantly be living according to principle and help their children do the same. So they have to
do consistent teaching all of the time. So yes, is parenting hard work? Yes, probably the hardest
work that most people ever do. It's also the most rewarding brings us the greatest happiness for
the longest period of time in our lives. So it's definitely worth it. So what do we do to really
make that traditional strict type of parenting that principle parenting stick, that's what I'd
like to share with you. Remember that focus that I talked about the focus for the belief your base
is self preservation, the focus for the modern progressive is self discovery? Well, the focus
for the traditional strict family is family unity, because of a difference self, self, family.
Family unity, the group is the focus for the traditional strict type of parenting.
They want to make sure that everybody's on the same page going in the same direction,
that they have the same skills, that there's function in the communication,
because if they don't communicate well, that's called dysfunction. And that could be the sign of
a roles problem. So when our roles are understood, we have good identity as a family. This creates
unity as a group. This means we have to know how to solve our problems. And one of the key things
to solving problems effectively, is calmness. So I talk about skills for self government. I
teach those all over this channel, as well as on my website teachingselfgovernment.com. But
I also teach a lot about calmness in fact, people are needing calmness so much, that is one of the
tone elements that makes the biggest difference in your type of parenting. Can you really accept when
things go wrong and then calmly do the teaching in a unified and productive manner? If not, you
might need a little help. And I'd like to give you some help right now with a free gift. I would like
to share with you my calm parenting toolkit. My calm parenting toolkit is going to be yours
for free so click on the link in the description below this video right now to get the 10 lesson
calm parenting toolkit for free so that you can start on the road to self government,
on the road to being a traditional strict parent and on the road to calmness in your
communication. The link in the video description below is the link that says teachself
gov.com/toolkit. I'll see you there.