Did your relationship start out just fine?
Are you wondering what went wrong?
Relationships involve engagement and commitment
from both parties.
You enter new relationships with past hurts,
but it's important to be cognizant
if or when you're projecting it into or onto a relationship.
A relationship can go awry when either party
becomes disengaged, fosters resentment,
or brings in past conflicts,
thus creating a dysfunctional relationship.
Dysfunctional relationships can cause distress and strain
on the relationship.
Eventually, the relationship can break down.
Many dysfunctional relationships are rooted in childhood.
When you lack a model of a healthy, functional relationship,
the patterns that you learn may find a way
into a new relationship.
In order to avoid, move past, or fix
a dysfunctional relationship,
we first need to acknowledge our role in the relationship.
According to Dr. Stephen Karpman,
a transactional psychologist and former student
of Eric Berne MD, here are three major archetypes
within a dysfunctional relationship.
One, victims.
Perhaps the most recognizable archetype is the victim.
You've seem them depicted in movies and books.
They're the relatable protagonist
that we love and secretly root for.
You root for them because you witnessed them go
from victims to victors, but life is not a movie.
You can't wait for others to come in and save you
or provide you the support that you need
on your journey to transformation.
At the crux of a victim personality type is fear,
the fear that you'll be or are
unable to carry on on your own.
There's a negative loop in your head
telling you that you can't until you start to believe it,
and when you do,
you slip into passive control over your life.
Some wounds are created in childhood.
Perhaps your parents were unavailable
physically or emotionally, or you had
a dysfunctional relationship in the past,
or sometimes you may be victimizing yourself.
Holding onto a victim mentality can be harmful
because it can lead to feelings of worthlessness,
self-sabotage, and possibly depression.
According to Professor Kets de Vries,
management scholar and psychoanalyst at INSEAD in France,
those with a victim mentality
unconsciously seek out disappointment
in order to create feelings of guilt or pity
because it fulfills their desire to receive attention.
Psychologists call this secondary gain.
There are various manifestations of a victim mentality.
According to Susanna Barlow, some examples are
the doormat, a victim of being taken advantage of
and feels entitled to support and love from others.
The weakling, victim to the belief that they are helpless
and feel entitled to inaction, fear, and rescue.
The patient, victim to your health or lack thereof
and entitled to healing and to have someone else
be responsible for their healing.
The crusader, victim of loneliness or self hatred
and entitled to have others' sympathy
and victimize those who do not agree with them.
And the shadow victim,
victim of circumstances and personal perceptions.
Two, rescuers.
Are you someone who sweeps in like a superhero
to save others?
The knight in shining armor.
But what happens when there is no one to save?
Unlike the victim, a rescuer personality type
feeds on a rush of cortisol and the ingrained desire
to be needed.
Rescuing is how you connect with others.
You feel a sense of loss or abandonment
when others become independent of you,
because your missions are attached to their sense of self.
This personality type can be damaging,
because those who are rescuers unconsciously seek out those
who are vulnerable and need assistance.
Rescuers feel essential to their partners' survival,
thus creating codependency between the two.
At times, rescuers can become enablers
of those with a victim personality type,
enabling them to forego accountability and responsibility
for something they're able to do.
Like many personality disorders, the rescuer's role
can be linked back to childhood.
As a child, were you forced to take on the role of an adult
due to neglectful parents or other circumstances?
It's common for parentified children
to adopt the role of rescuer in future relationships.
Living in the rescuer role can lead you to develop
guilt and resent at all the responsibilities
that you feel like you've had to take on.
If you notice this kind of personality
in yourself or others, you can reach out
to a therapist or licensed professional.
Some manifestations of a rescuer archetype include,
the enabler, people who latch onto someone vulnerable
because they want to be needed.
The white knight or savior, people who enter relationships
hoping to fix the other person.
Number three, persecutors.
Are you someone likely to blow up
over insignificant happenings?
Do you look for scapegoats for your problems
and feel entitled when you lash out?
Persecutors are usually controlling, strict,
overbearing, and authoritarian.
In a relationship, they're oppressive bullies
who unleash empty threats.
Persecutors are unmoving and eschew vulnerability
because they fear becoming victims.
The persecutor's role is founded on anger.
Sometimes a person with a rescuer personality
may shift into the role of a persecutor
because they allow resentment to build.
However, there are other reasons
why some may take on the role of persecutor.
Perhaps there's a deep sense of guilt
that they're trying to place on someone else.
Because they need someone to shoulder the blame,
they may shift back into the role of rescuer
in order to sustain the relationship.
A subtype of persecutor mentality is the bully,
who victimizes others because they were once victimized.
Within a dysfunctional relationship,
the roles can often change, and you may not always
be the victim or persecutor, but it's important
to be cognizant of the role you are playing
and hopefully address the emotional and thought patterns
that urge you into that role.
If you've noticed these traits in yourself,
reaching out to a licensed professional
to address some of your concerns is a good place to start.
Do any of these describe your experience?
How have you handled a dysfunctional relationship?
Would you like to know more about this topic?
Leave a comment down below, and please feel free
to share any thoughts you have as well.
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struggling with dysfunctional relationships.
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