[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Wow. That is tremendously nice.
Thank you very much. Well, happy Thanksgiving.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright.
Well, I will share this with you --
I suffer from OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder.
-Yeah. -Yeah, thank you.
[ Laughter ]
"Suffer" -- that word is overused,
don't you think?
I think the term "suffer" should be reserved
for people writhing in agony on the ground.
[ Laughter ] They're suffering, you know?
Am I allowed to run up to them?
"You're preaching to the choir!"
[ Laughter ]
"I have to alphabetize everything!"
[ Laughter ]
"Quit wriggling around. I'm trying to count your ribs!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
The alphabetizing thing is not true -- at least, in my case.
People think I'm weirder than I am,
and it's hard for me, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Like, they ask questions, like, "Brian with your OCD,
do you have to alphabetize your books at home?"
And I'm, like, "Uh, no." [ Laughter ]
"I organize my books by when I got them chronologically
on the top shelf."
[ Laughter ]
I don't have to alphabetize my books.
I'm not a kook.
[ Laughter ]
And the bottom shelf is for the books I finished reading,
organized chronologically.
[ Laughter ]
I don't have to alphabetize them. Mnh.
[ Laughter ]
And the middle shelf
is for the books I'm in the process of reading.
Those are organized chronologically.
[ Laughter ] When I start reading a book,
I just move it from the top shelf to the middle shelf,
and I know exactly what you're wondering --
"Well, wouldn't reading the title of the book count
technically as being in the process of reading the book?
Then how would you distinguish
between the top shelf and the middle shelf?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, the way I do it --
I make myself read all of page one
before I allow a shelf change.
[ Laughter ]
I don't count the introduction or the forward
or the book jacket.
I do read all of that word for word,
but then I make myself read all of page one,
all the way to the bottom...
unless it ends in the middle of a sentence --
I make myself turn the page. [ Laughter and applause ]
I finish the sentence to complete the thought.
I turn the page back.
I write down what date that book was started
and move that to the middle shelf
furthest on the right.
I don't have to alphabetize my books.
I'm not out of my mind!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Applause continues ]
You know, when I first suspected that I might have OCD,
I Googled it.
And there are different symptoms,
and some I have, and some I don't.
And the ones I have, some I have more strongly than others.
So I decided to make a color-coded graph.
[ Laughter ]
I wish I was making this up.
[ Laughter ]
I listed the symptoms, and I said,
"I'm going to rate from zero to 10
how strongly I feel I have each symptom.
I'll total it up and divide it by the number of symptoms."
[ Light laughter ] "If I'm higher than five,
I'll seek professional treatment."
[ Laughter ]
"If I'm under five, I'll self-diagnose that I am A-okay."
[ Laughter ]
Number one -- "Are you the type of person
who has to check the stove over and over again
to make sure it's off?"
And I'm, like, "Uh, zero.
That's 'Looney Tunes' land."
[ Laughter ]
Number two -- "Are you the type of person
who has to wash your hands repeatedly?"
And I had this nagging feeling
that I forgot to answer that first question.
[ Laughter ]
So, I looked up. Yeah, I did write zero.
Okay, hand washing?
[ Laughter ] Six.
I'm, like, "That ain't even right."
I scribbled that out. I got some ink on my hands.
I went to go wash my hands. [ Laughter ]
While I'm washing my hands,
I'm like, "Why did they mention stove?"
So, I checked the stove.
[ Laughter ] It was on.
I'm like, "I'm never going to make that mistake again,"
and I came back, and I changed hand washing to two.
[ Laughter ]
I did the whole test and averaged 5.0.
So I'm like, "I still don't know."
[ Laughter ]
So, I decided to buy a book about it.
I got to get to the bottom of it somehow, right?
[ Light laughter ] I go into the bookstore.
I ask the clerk,
"Can you tell me where the self-help section is?"
And she said, "Why don't you try to find that yourself?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience groans ]
Well, I finally found the section.
It was so disorganized,
I spent the next three hours rearranging all their books,
rather than finding out whether or not I have OCD.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
♪♪
Thank you.
-Alright.
[ Cheers and applause continue ] Come here!