10 Ways You Unconsciously RUIN Conversations (STOP These Speaking Mistakes)
[0:00:00] [Music]
In today’s video, gents, we’re talking about ten ways that you ruin conversations
without even knowing it.
First up on this list, you need to always have the last word.
I am guilty of this.
Why?
Because I need to feel like I’m in control.
I need to say something to look smart.
And, speaking from personal experience, guys, I can tell you this is a tough habit to break
because when you’re running your own company when you are the manager, you want to always
throw something on there, you want to look smart.
You want to send the signal that you’re in control.
But, the issue with this is unless you’re running a dictatorship, you’re really going
to start to push down other people from speaking up from, you know, they’re just going to
say, “Oh, he’s always going to say something.”
and they stop giving you input.
And this can spell death to a company and even in a family if there’s something wrong,
people aren’t going to – they’re just not going to want to speak up because they
don’t want to basically be spoken over.
The next way that you’re ruining conversations, you always have to be right.
I’m guilty of this because I think I’m a smart person, and when I hear something
that I disagree with, I want to go in there and prove them wrong.
I want to change their mind, so I’m always jumping in.
The issue with this is you really, you know, people get cemented into their views.
They get defensive when they have somebody coming in and trying to tell them that they
are wrong.
They stop listening even though you may present facts.
A lot of times our decisions are made not based on fact, but by emotion.
And, when you attack somebody, when you try to basically pound them into submission and
they’re going to – you can have this argument that has nothing to do with logic and all
of a sudden, you’re going to find that you are just going to break away and nothing is
going to happen.
Next on the list.
When you get started talking especially about yourself, you can’t stop, you just keep
talking and keep talking.
If you’re in a conversation and you realize, you know what?
I’ve been the only one talking for ten minutes, you’re over dominating the conversation.
Now, you may be a great conversationalist, you may be a funny guy, you may have tons
of stories, but here’s the thing, if you’re the only one speaking in a conversation, it’s
not a conversation.
This is you just pontificating.
You don’t want that to happen.
You want to involve others.
In fact, a great conversationalist, he finds a way to bring in others and to recognize
them, to bring them into the conversation, to be able to ask questions, to listen to
them and to get them part of the conversation.
Now, this next point we started to talk about, but I want to give it its own point and that
is you’re not listening to other people, you’re just waiting for your chance to speak.
You ruined conversations when you just jump in and you start blurting out things that
don’t have to do with what that person just said.
If somebody feels that they’re not being listened to and they can tell because what
you’re saying, what you’re throwing out there really just kind of ignores everything
that they just said, they’re going to close themselves off.
They’re going to realize this person they’re going to think maybe you’re stupid, they’re
going to think that definitely you’re not paying attention.
When you can actually tell somebody repeat back agree with them on certain points, actually
maybe congratulate, “Hey, I really like what you said here.
I completely agree with that.”
Even if it’s politics, even if it’s religion, you can find common ground and all of a sudden
that person likes you more that person wants to engage with you more, that person is open
to hearing maybe your point of view.
But, if you don’t listen to them, you’re going to find, again, that they’re not going
to start lis – they’re not going to listen to you and a conversation is not going to
happen.
The next way to ruin a conversation, interrupt, jump in, take over the conversation, don’t
apologize, make it yours, bully, push people out of the way because that’s really what
you’re doing.
And, to be honest, nobody likes that person.
We try to avoid that person.
This person has to feel like they’re in charge.
I am guilty of this especially when you’re, you know, in a position of power when you
own a company when you’re running a management position.
But, here is what it does, it really pushes down others, they don’t, you know, they
are those that just simply won’t say anything.
Other people, they’re going to start to repeat your habit, they’re going to start
pushing back and they’re going to push back on others on the team.
And you can see, I’ve seen this in families where you just got everyone interrupting.
It’s bad manners.
Now, I understand if you’re really emotional about something and I think that this interruption
is fine especially when you jump in there and you’re supporting someone, you’re
like, “I totally agree with your point and I just have to say that I remember when you
did this.”
You’re making them look good.
That’s a good interruption.
And, another interruption that’s fine is if you’re on a time limit, that person has
been talking for ten minutes and you’ve only got two minutes left in the conversation
and you need to get an important point across, an interruption there is fine just letting
you know, “Hey, we’ve only got two minutes left, I really wanted to let you know this.”
Next up, let’s talk about the energy vampire.
Do you feel it?
I’m sucking all – guys, you’ve got to have some energy in the conversation.
I’m not saying that you got to go full Antonio with your hands, you want to be engaged.
And the best conversations have energy.
Sometimes it’s going to be a little bit more, you know, subdued, other times you want
to bring, you know, bring it a little bit more.
It’s up to you, you’ve got to be able to make a decision, you got to able to make
a judgment call.
The point is, don’t be that energy vampire.
[0:04:54] Now, a lot of the conversations we have especially
with people that are close to us, they’re actually not wanting to have much of a conversation,
they’re just wanting to vent.
They’re wanting to talk about, “Ah, I had a tough day at work.”
Or maybe someone wronged them and they just want to talk about, “Gosh, I can’t believe
they did this.”
One of the worst things that you can do is side with that other person.
I know you may actually agree with what they said to your spouse, but happy wife happy
life.
Do not agree with that other person because you’re just not being sympathetic to their
cause, that’s what they want.
They want someone that’s on their side and they may be completely wrong.
But, at this point you need to show that sympathy, you need to show that support.
This could be your best friend that he is just he got fired from that job – another
job, it’s the third one in three months.
And you know that there’s a deeper problem here, but he’s calling you because he needs
someone to be able to speak with.
And maybe you do need to have that deep conversation, but not in this call, not in this conversation.
Go over travel, speak to him, maybe show him by example actually how things work.
But, the point being people want a sympathetic shoulder and when they’re coming to you,
don’t side with that other person.
In addition, don’t give them a philosophical response.
Okay, they just got fired.
Well, you know the silver lining on this is that, hey, you can go, you know, try for that
other job you’re talking about.
No, listen to them.
Don’t always try to get philosophical here.
Don’t say, “Well, you know I know that Socrates, he said this.”
And, that’s cool whatever, you know, this dead philosopher said, but at this point he
doesn’t want to hear that.
He simply just wants someone to be able to talk to that understands his plight.
The next one to ruin a conversation when someone’s being open to you, try to do some amateur
psychoanalysis.
Yeah, you read a book on philosophy, you’re familiar with Freud and some of those other
guys.
So, you’re trying to examine this saying, “Well, maybe this person did that, maybe
they did that.”
Some people may like this, I am just like, you know, again, you’re not listening to
them, you’re trying to sound smart you’re trying to bring something in here which you
are most likely completely wrong.
Things are much deeper and you’re just hearing one person’s point of view.
So, avoid that amateur psychoanalysis stuff.
And, what about giving advice?
I can tell you I’m the master of giving advice.
I mean I have got all these videos I’m giving advice all the time.
And, I have to nip this in the bud when I’m speaking with my friends, when I’m speaking
with my wife especially, when I’m speaking with my kids because sometimes, again, they
just want someone to talk with, someone to be able to unload what’s on their mind.
They don’t want some wise knowledgeable person who is like a doctor kind of emotionally
removed from this just to tell them what to do or what they should have done.
That’s the worst is, you know, someone’s talking about a mistake they made and you’re
thinking that they can go back in time this is what I would have done.
Don’t give people advice unless they ask for it.
So, what video to watch next?
How about this one, the introvert’s guide to small talk?
Actually, it works really well with this video because there were a number of things I could
have covered, but actually covered in this video which I will link to down in the description.
So, if you enjoy this video, you’re going to love this one right here.
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