• From rampant misogyny to ¬¬¬¬¬¬questionable medical advice, we count twenty vintage ads
that would never see the light of day in the modern world!
15 – Palmolive Soap, • Palmolive is a well-respected soaps and
detergents company, but this short-sighted vintage ad shows they definitely don’t always
get it right. • With a bold, generalisation about the
sexes, the ad suggests that women need not bother with being clever. Cleverness won’t
help them fulfil their ambition in life: winning a man’s affections. According to the ad,
men back then didn’t care about cleverness; they were only interested in women who were
pretty. • So buy Palmolive beauty products, ladies,
and lock down your very own douchebag. 14 – Chubettes Clothing,
• The Bible tells of the first man and woman on Earth, and this ad reveals how our culture’s
very first eating disorders came to be. • Is your daughter on the plump side? Well,
slap that Twinkie out of her hand because she can and should look as pretty as her slim
friends. Hey! I’m just reading what the ad says.
• Chubettes make fashion for ‘plump girls’, as the ad so delicately puts it. Their garments
have ‘slenderising magic’ that are cleverly designed to minimise extra pounds. The slogan,
which was no doubt conceptualised by a board room full of out-of-touch old men, promises
that young girls can have ‘a tummy and still look yummy!’
13 – Cocaine Toothache Drops, • Do you suffer from debilitating toothaches?
Nowadays you can Google your symptoms, which, after a half hour of false cancer diagnoses,
usually leads to the most obvious conclusion: you need to visit your dentist.
• But people in the 1950s didn’t have smartphones, or search engines, or cat videos,
so they often blindly followed the advice of advertising. This ad by Lloyd Manufacturing
Company recommends toothache sufferers – especially children – try a product called cocaine
toothache drops. It costs only fifteen cents and, according to the ad, it is an instantaneous
cure. • Unmentioned side effects may include dilated
pupils, chattering teeth and complete insanity. 12 – Antell Hair Products,
• Apparently, in the 1950s, making light of suicide in newspaper advertisements was
as normal as smoking cigars for breakfast. • “If my hair looks such a mess one more
night, I’ll kill myself!” this ad for hair products announces, mirroring the sentiments
of women all across the country. • But wait, ladies! Put down that noose,
revolver and vial of poison because Antell have just the product for you! Their Formula
9 hair product will solve all your hair woes, so you can save your hilarious over-exaggerated
suicide plans for a rainy day! 11 – Sega Masturbation Innuendo,
• These Nineties ads might explain why Sega is no longer in the console game.
• The first is for their groundbreaking Sega Mega Drive console. Beside a hand gripping
a joystick reads the slogan ‘The more you play with it, the harder it gets.’ I guess
back then gaming was the pursuit of pimply basement dwellers, so maybe an ad that awkwardly
alludes to masturbation was a stroke of genius – pun intended.
• The second ad, for Sega’s Game Gear handheld system, abandons all that subtlety
for whatever the hell is going on here. Riffing on the old wives’ tale that masturbation
causes blindness, this ad promises that you can ‘play with yourself for hours’ without
going blind. The Game Gear will also fulfil ‘all your wildest fantasies’.
• As a fun bonus, there’s also this portrait of marital bliss from Neo Geo.
10 – Motorola Television, • This ad by Motorola preys on the fact
that most parents are useless with new technology. • Is Jimmy being a total shitbag at home?
Is he running around breaking things and giving you nothing but attitude? It could be all
the cocaine toothache drops you’ve been giving him, or it could be that your home
doesn’t yet have a Motorola television in it!
• This scientific-looking propaganda promises that children will be better behaved and achieve
better grades if they spend lots of time parked in front of the TV. If only Motorola could’ve
seen into the future. They caused this culture of screen-addicted zombies! They’re basically
SkyNet! • Okay everyone, let’s break free of our
electronic shackles. Let’s forget the rest of this countdown and go outside. On three,
okay? One … two … three … *long pause* Did you do it? Me neither.
9 – Volkswagen, • Some more casual sexism for your viewing
pleasure. The 1950s were an embarrassing time for civilisation, as this ad from Volkswagen
proves. • ‘Women are soft and gentle, but they
hit things,’ the ad reads. ‘If your wife hits something in a Volkswagen, it doesn’t
hurt you very much because VW parts are easy to replace!’ As you can see, the ad perpetuates
a mean-spirited stereotype about female drivers, and presents it like it’s a simple fact
of life. • Come on, 1950s wives! I know there are
pretty rings, shoes and coats in every storefront, but try to keep your eyes on the road!
8 – Love’s Baby Soft, • Set your faces to stunned! Before there
was Honey Boo-Boo and ten-year-olds dressing like high-end prostitutes, there was this
eerily inappropriate ad from cosmetic company Love.
• As the ad says, ‘Innocence is sexier than you think.’ If that’s true then don’t
we all look stupid – paedophiles have been saying that stuff for years! Gross.
7 – Del Monte Ketchup, • Del Monte Ketchup’s 1953 ketchup ad
played on the idea that women are too weak and helpless to open a simple bottle of ketchup.
• The woman in this ad seems surprised and delighted by the fact she’s managed to open
this bottle. She’s probably thinking about all the ways this new condiment will improve
her sandwich-making skills. • Ugh. Terrible, antiquated ads like these
need to disappear. It’s equally unfunny when the shoe’s on the other foot. Gender
stereotypes, like ditsy blondes and bumbling clueless dads, need to be abolished!
6 – Chase and Sanborn Coffee, • Before Fifty Shades of Grey made this
sort of thing cool, Chase and Sanborn Coffee ran an ad promoting the solid family values
of the time. • ‘If your husband ever finds out you’re
not “store-testing” for fresher coffee … if he discovers you’re still taking
chances on getting flat, stale coffee … woe be unto you!”
• The woman’s terrified expression in the woman’s eyes would’ve inspired hundreds
of women to reassess their choice of coffee. If domestic abuse was an acceptable response
to flat coffee I hate to think what hypothetical 1950s husband would do if his wifey came home
with a smashed up Volkswagen … 5 – Drummond Sweaters, Schlitz Beer and
Kenwood Chef, • These ads have been lumped together to
show how prevalent sexism was in the 1950s and ’60s.
• This ad for Drummond Sweaters wastes no time in announcing that ‘men are better
than women’. It goes on to say that women are useful – even pleasant – indoors,
but ‘something of a drag’ outdoors. Here’s hoping this woman pushed these two jokers
off the nearest cliff. • The ad for Schlitz beer isn’t much better,
with another depiction of female incompetence. This woman has obviously burnt her husband’s
dinner, but the man, in his supreme generosity, jokes that ‘at least she didn’t burn the
beer!’ I guess she’s lucky she’s not married to the guy from the coffee ad …
• Finally, the ad for the Kenwood Chef boasts that it does everything but cook – because
that’s what wives are for. HAHAHAHA-HAAARrrrrr…! (Or embed Tidus laugh – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H47ow4_Cmk0&safe=active)
4 – Tipalet Cigarettes, • This ad for Tipalet cigarettes ran in
the late 1960s. The product itself is some sort of cigar/q-tip hybrid with all sorts
of flavoured scents. • Apparently if you ‘blow in her face’
she’ll ‘follow you anywhere’. • Weird and lazy innuendo aside, that’s
just rude. You don’t see female-centric ads saying ‘Spit your chewing gum wads in
his face! It’ll drive him wild!’ 3 – 7-Up,
• This disturbing ad for 7-Up soft drink boasts that the company has the youngest customers
in the business. In the print it says that the boy depicted is eleven months old, but
he isn’t their youngest customer by any means!
• ‘7-Up is so pure, so wholesome, you can even give it to babies and feel good about
it!’ • The sheer irresponsibility of these marketing
guys makes me want to paint their windscreens in 7-Up-flavoured barf. Maybe they’re in
cahoots with healthcare providers because we all know it should read ‘Nothing rots
your teeth and gives you Diabetes like 7-Up!’ 2 – Camels Cigarettes,
• The first step on the agenda for this Camels Cigarette ad’s is to win your trust.
“See this doctor? He’s one of the busiest men in town. While his door may say Office
Hours two to four, he’s actually on call twenty-four hours a day. The doctor is a scientist,
a diplomat, and a friendly sympathetic human being all in one”.
• So far it reads like an ad for medical school … Let’s read on: “According to
a recent nationwide survey: more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette!” Oh, there
we go. Nearly 114,000 were surveyed and the majority’s favourite ticket to lung cancer
was – you guessed it – Camels! • The ad goes on to say you should disregard
any health concerns and trust something called your ‘T-Zone’ because that’s your proving
ground for any cigarette. The ad itself seems unsure, but it believes ‘T-Zone’ stands
for your throat and sense of taste. • This ad ran from 1940 to 1949 and was
a response to nationwide concerns that inhaling smoke every day wasn’t the best thing for
you. It features extreme emotional manipulation and plays on the blind trust we place in men
with stethoscopes. 1 – Fairbank Fairy Soap,
• This reprehensible ad from the N. K. Fairbank Company depicts a Caucasian child asking her
scruffy, shoeless African-American acquaintance why her Mama doesn’t wash her with fairy
soap. The implication being the dark-skinned character is ‘dirty’ for not using this
product. • Obviously this uncomfortable ad comes
from a very different era, when divisions between blacks and whites were commonplace.
• What I like about this ad is the little black girl looks like she wants to push this
little bitch in the mud for being so rude. And you know what? Doing so would be completely
justified.