We've had some requests here on the channel to do a video about how to deal
with the loss of a spouse. I brought someone in who knows something about
that. This is Brian Wilson. He's one of our Live On Purpose coaches. Brian, this
is a tough topic. -Yes. -And thank you for being here. You know something about this.
I'll give you the short version and you can clear up whatever I get wrong, okay?
Brian... I don't even know how long ago it was. -It's about 16 months ago. -Wow. Okay. So,
less than 2 years ago still. About a year and a half ago. During the birth of
your fifth baby? -Yes. -You lost your wife, she passed away? And I know more of the
story than that but I think that sets the context for why you might know
something about this. And when we go through these difficult experiences in
life, obviously it causes a disruption to our
own life but it also puts us in position where we can assist others that are
going through that. So I just really appreciate you coming to talk to us.
Where do we start? -Ah. Well, first of all, as you're going
through this grieving process... It's okay to feel... You're just going to feel
horrible. And that's okay. I mean grief it's not... It's not bad. -You're
supposed to feel it. -Yeah, yeah. And it changes who you are. And it makes.. It's
part of your makeup now. Like you can't imagine a picture and you just take out
one color and say, "No, I don't want this color anymore." It changes the whole
picture. It's... And you don't see the whole thing anymore.
You need that would save the color black. You need that color black even though
it's dark and horrible. It's part of you. -This is part of an ancient
philosophy, yeah. You've seen the yin-yang symbols? And I'm sure that you're
familiar with that. Where there's these 2 very opposite parts and they make it
whole. And these experiences where we have grief, our part of our
human experience and they're actually necessary to complete our life. So, you're
saying, "Go ahead and let yourself feel that. It's not bad to feel the grief"? -Yeah.
In fact, you feel grief because you loved them. And it's... I mean from your spouse,
that has so much... So much that's there. I mean, I was married for 10 years but
know... Everybody, every case is different. -Yes. -But you know, when it's your best
friend, it's the person you you can fight in all the time and have them not be
there anymore. To just... You can't just pretend like, "Oh well, I'll just pick up
and go on." -Just get over it. -Yeah, you can't just get over it. There is no
getting over it. It's... -You said something that I think is so profound. You feel the
grief because of the love. It's an indication that there was a loving
relationship there. -Yeah. -And it's... It's usually multifaceted, okay? Because you
might be thinking, "Well, it wasn't always great." Yeah, right. It was life. For you to
feel the grief though is an acknowledgement of the value of that
relationship. So let yourself feel that. I love that. -Yeah. I mean and it hurts. It
hurts a lot because you... Now for me, that was very reassuring. Like yes, I was...
I was devastated in it and it hurt and it was hard to get out of bed but... But
that also symbolized my love for my wife. And so I embraced it. -You
mentioned something to Brian about how everyone is it a different place. So
they're going to experience it differently. And I've seen this with a
lot of people that I've coached as well. That sometimes they get to thinking, "Well,
I should be feeling this or that. Or by now, I should be moving on or over it or
whatever." Let's just take all the pressure off.
Can we do that? Let's just take away all those expectations because how somebody
else does it has nothing to do with how you're going to handle this. They're
common principles. And we're trying to identify some of those here as we chat
today. But beyond that, everybody's going to have their own personal experience
with this. -Yeah, yeah. You hear about the the stages of grief. And you think, "Well,
I've got to get through this." No you don't. Like you're going to... You're going to
find yourself in different stages and you're not gonna go through them in a
certain order. You just grieve how you grieve. -Yeah. -And
don't feel guilty about it. I mean... Some people will will look happier on
the outside and maybe you don't feel that way. That's okay. -That brings up
another idea for me Brian. And maybe you can share some of your
experience about how this works. Because it's normal to experience the grief. And
not just normal... But it... I think it's healthy. I think it's healthy to
experience that grief. It's not fun but it's healthy and it's part of the
process that you need to go through to heal. So that brings up a very practical
issue for me. Because when we lose someone... And especially someone so close
to us as our spouse. And in your circumstance, it left you with an infant
to take care of. Not to mention your other 4 kids. That's a huge adjustment.
-Yeah. -How do you create space for that transition to happen? And I'm talking
even about the practical aspects of taking care of the kids or what do I do
about my job? While, I'm taking care of all of this stuff. Do you have some
insights for us there? -I mean sometimes you're just... You're just going through
the motions and getting things done because it needs to get done. And
sometimes you need to take a step back and take some time for yourself.
Time to grieve. -Yeah. -Think about that person. And other times... No, it's just...
You just got to find a way through. And you know what? People want to help and
they don't know how all the time. But they want to. And sometimes you have to
stand up and say you know, "I need help because they're they're willing." But
maybe they right now. And just you saying I could use some help right now maybe
they don't know how but they'll jump they'll know that they can that they
have permission, that they can. And so... -Yeah. You are so right about that because
in our hearts, I think about the people that I know. Even you. You know, it's like,
"Wow, you went through this." And then I might feel like, "Oh, I don't know what to
say. I don't know how I can help." Well help them out. Okay? You can say. "You
know what? I could really use somebody to watch the kids for a couple of hours.
Would you be down for that? Or I just need some time for myself. Could you take
care of that for me?" It could be that practical right? -Right. Right. And I feel
really blessed that I had my kids. They helped me through that process. I can't
imagine going through it alone. That's something else. But again, people
still want to help. They know who you are and they want to reach out. And so, allow
that to happen. You might not feel right right away. That's okay. But eventually
you have to get out of yourself. -Yeah. -Allow people to help. And that also allows
you to help other people. Because as you help other people, you'll feel better,
guaranteed. -That is true. And there's a lot of psychological reasons for that.
Which we probably won't get into on this particular episode. But I thought of
another aspect to this brighten that maybe you could help us out with a
little bit. I know from my training in psychology. And dealing with traumatic
incidents that it's really important to be able to share your story. What have
you learned about that? And what kind of advice could you give
us? -Just talking through things can help you realize. Maybe you've had some stress
that you weren't sure how to deal with. And... But talking it out, brought it to the
surface and allowed you to feel it. To really feel it and move forward. -Yeah. -You
don't always want to? -Yeah. -But there's a part of you that really needs to. -And it
helps to honor your spouse. To honor their memory. -Yeah. -You can't just keep it
bottled up. But share it. And share who they were and share how they helped you.
How they changed who you are. Just that.. -Yeah. -You have to remember and dig in to
your memories too to be able to open up and share it. I think that's just a
healthy process. -Yes. I mentioned earlier that you're one of our Live On Purpose
coaches. This is something that you assist people with. And it's something...
And it brings up another issue and that is if you don't feel that there is
someone in your close circle, in your inner circle that you can actually open
up to. It's still important for you psychologically to be able to do that. It
helps you to process it and to actually start a healing process. And it
doesn't have to be someone in your family or immediate circle. Because you
can engage someone like Brian or a coach. Find a therapist, a counselor, a coach who
can work with you to allow you to share that story. And that way, you get out of
your own head. -Yeah. -And it's a very healing kind of an experience to be able
to share that story. Wow, these are helpful ideas. I'm going now to, "Alright.
So, we start a healing process. We share our story. We let ourselves feel
what we're going to feel. How do you move on after that?" -You know, it's hard to just...
You'll hear people tell you, "You got to move on. And I don't..." -Right. -I don't
agree with that. I feel like it's not moving on. It's moving forward. It's... -Oh.
-They will always be a part of your life and a part of who you are. And it
would be wrong to try and put them out of your life. So rather than saying,
"Moving on." You're just continuing forward and continuing to tell their story. And
along with yours, that doesn't mean that you can't... Like go on and date and find
somebody else. But it means you're not forgetting them. -I like that Brian. Thank
you for that correction. Because I've often said that too. That we need to find
a way to move on. But that kind of implies, "Okay, let's take all of this
stuff and just kind of tuck it in the past somewhere." -it also implied that
there's like some kind of deadline. Like at this point, you're going to be done
grieving. -Right. -And then everything's going to be okay. And that's not how it
works. -Right. Moving forward, I like that. You take what you've got and
you continue to move forward. Brian, thank you for sharing your insights today. This
is a difficult topic. But it's obviously one that can be taken on. If you would
like some assistance with that. I am not volunteering Brian but I know that he's...
He and other people like him are available to talk to you. You can find
other resources that liveonpurpose.coach. And that's where you'll find his
profile to. Brian Wilson. Thanks for your contribution.