This is Charlie from Charisma on Command and today, I want to talk about how to get people
to like you. This is a process that's called "rapport building." And it is that state that
you fall into when you begin to get into sync with someone, when you like them and you want
them to like you back.
Now, as humans, we're doing this all the time, whether you realize it or not. So you might
as well begin to understand how it occurs and how you could do it better. And, for that,
this example of Bruce Lee is fantastic.
Now, I got to say, the guy has charisma oozing out of his pores. There's so many different
things I could do about him. His leadership is phenomenal, but for the purposes of this
video, I can't; it would take hours.
So, I just want to focus on how you can build rapport and how you can do a better job of
making people like you when you meet them. So let's get started.
Easiest place to start, right? A genuine smile. If you want people to like you, you need to
be genuine and you need to radiate positivity. Now, I've done a video on this, but the three
pieces of a smile are in that video. The most important one is the muscular tension around
the eyes, because that is the most difficult one to fake. That's what makes it genuine.
So rather than focusing on what you're doing with your lips, your eyes, or anything, if
you focus on actually engaging people and think of the sort of radiating warmth towards
them, you will engage those muscles involuntarily, and your smile will come across as much more
genuine. You can play around with it in the mirror but the truth is, you're gonna see it the
realest when you actually laugh and it's real. So, get in the habit of smiling, not
just with your teeth, it's like you're baring your teeth, but of genuinely smiling at people.
It will make them respond much stronger.
So, I just want to give you a head's up what's coming. When people start to fall into rapport
with one another, they begin to mimic one another in terms of what they say, how they
stand, the tonality. So watch for this repetition that's coming up right now.
I'm going to play it back one more time just so you can see it super quick.
So the interesting thing is that this is both a sign and a way to get into rapport with
someone, right? You can start to tell that they're getting there, but what you can do
in conversations is, when you're listening to be an active listener, repeat back what
you've heard. Now you don't need to be a parrot. You don't need to do it every single time,
but if after someone talks, rather than just nodding, you start to say back the last few
words that they said, you'll be surprised because they'll continue to speak and they'll
feel like you get them much more because you're using their words and affirmation; very, very powerful.
So the next thing that's coming is affirmations. People who are in rapport, there's this sense
that they are similar, that they're beginning to find out all the ways in which they're
alike, and they have a tendency to affirm one another. They say, "Yeah," they build
off of each other's ideas rather than cutting them down. So start to listen. As questions
get asked, oftentimes, the first word that people in rapport will say is yes, or yeah,
or "Oh, my god, totally."
So you hear that? "Yeah, well."
So what he says, "I gather in the movies that the dialogue is pretty stilted" and watch
what Bruce Lee does.
So what I said there, he says there, "Yeah, I agree with you." He's saying yes, the dialogue
is stilted, but, also, that the motion picture isn't about the dialogue. Now, a clumsier
way to do this, the guy could say, "The dialogue is stilted," and he go, "Well, it doesn't
matter that the dialogue is stilted because it's not about that," but, first, he affirms him, right?
When you have a slightly divergent point with someone, but there are points of commonality,
get to the points of commonality first. That's how you don't destroy rapport with someone,
and then, you can elaborate from there to say, "Well, actually, you know, it's the motion
picture is about motions, so even though the dialogue is stilted, that's not so important."
So now I want to jump ahead to another part of this film and show you what to do when
you actually don't agree with someone totally, right? How will you do that affirmation stuff
when, maybe, you're not on the same page?
So this is interesting. He thinks that his student learned karate and he wasn't doing it, apparently,
according to Bruce Lee, very well. And so, rather than correct him and just say, "No,
that's no way, like he was terrible with that." He corrects him with that smile on his face.
This is something I see people do wrong often.
If you do need to correct someone, there are multiple ways of communicating it. You've
got your body language, your tonality, the expressions that you have on your face. If
you make all of them negative, as if you're saying, "No, that is incorrect," and my face
is stern, and my tonality is just going, "No, that's wrong," you're going to feel terrible.
So what you need to do is make sure that some of those ways of communicating when you're telling
someone that they're incorrect, are positive. This is how you can correct people and still
not have to be just a complete yes man while maintaining rapport.
So let's go ahead and cut to another part.
Again, very important here, one thing that I noticed with people as they're building
rapport is they think they can only do it when they're speaking or when they're verbally
consenting. Active listening is so important. And if you'll look at Bruce Lee's smirk in
his eyes, he is smiling at him as he speaks--so critical.
I know people that have friends that when they're looking at you, they have this kind
of blank stare on their face, and you can't tell if they're actually listening or completely
zoned out. You do not want to do that when people are speaking to you, if you got that
squint in your eyes, that smirk, and, again, the way to do it is not to focus on the muscles,
but to actually, one, engage with them, and then, two, smile without showing teeth, right?
Think warm thoughts as you're listening to them. Nod your head a little bit. That is
active listening that will make them feel heard and validated, and continue to build rapport.
So, another piece of building rapport with someone else is, first, being in rapport with
yourself. And what that means is if rapport is matching, you need to match yourself, right?
The words that you say, the tonality that you say them with, the expressions on your
face, when those are all congruent, people are going to feel much more drawn to you.
It's gonna give them many more ways to actually mimic you, but when there's a mismatch there,
when you're saying, "Oh, yeah, I'm really excited." That leaves people feeling confused,
like you're not being genuine and honest.
So the more of those sorts of modalities--the body language, the tone, the content of what
you're saying, your expressions with your eyes--the more that you can get them in sync
with one another, with every word, and have them shift and flow as you'll see Bruce Lee
do here, the more that people will begin to fall in rapport with you because you are in
rapport with yourself.
Notice that "that!" Everything gets intense. He moves quickly when he says that.
Again, he punctuates that word, and does--his eyes, his fists.
Look at that. I love this part because he's got that intensity, intensity, intensity,
then he brings it back. It's almost like a performance, but that is something that spellbinds people.
So one of the interesting things about rapport is when you do a lot of those things right,
you shine positivity with your eyes, you agree, you affirm, when you correct, you make sure
that some part of what you're doing is positive, and then, you get into rapport with yourself,
everything that you do matches, people will start to mimic you. And they'll start to mimic
you in bigger ways. So watch over the next 20 seconds how the host begins to, who's been
still this entire time, starts to move his body more, immediately after Bruce Lee stands
up and shows how he punches.
There's one, he's gonna do another...
So, anyway, you start to see this, and the host really does start to get more animated
as Bruce does. That's the power of rapport. It's not just matching, but what happens after
that when you begin to lead. So, that is a topic for another video. I want to talk about
how Bruce Lee then leads this interaction.
If you want to get that video, of course, subscribe to the channel now. As soon as I
have it finished, it's gonna be up here. And this is just part of what it takes to make
an amazing first impression, right? There's actually four emotions that if you hit these
emotions every single time in the right order, you can be guaranteed that you will make a
good first impression on whoever you are with. Hit them in the wrong order or skip one, and
you just might be sunk.
So, if you want to find out more about what those emotions are, and the order that you must
hit them in, go ahead now, click the link. It will take you to a page where you can drop
your email and I will send you to a page that has a video that you can watch in the next
7 minutes, talking about what those emotions are and the order you need to hit them in.
Honestly, the order is the toughest part. So, subscribe to this channel, go ahead and
please comment if there's anyone else you'd like to see. You can even include a link;
that's where this came from, and I will see you on the next video.