NASA,
America's most expensive way of collecting rocks.
If you wanted to be an astronaut when you were a little kid,
first of all, congratulations on being basic.
And secondly, this may be your big chance.
You want to be an astronaut?
Well, you better know how to swim.
NASA is looking for a new crop of cadets
willing to take the plunge
in hopes of reaching outer space.
NEWSMAN: The odds of being selected are pretty low.
NASA only needs about 20 trainees
for the next class.
Officials say degrees in math,
science and engineering are required,
and you have to have a master's degree.
So, if you think you've got what it takes
to survive not just the neutral buoyancy pool
but an actual mission in space,
well, the next astronaut class opens up on Monday.
(chuckles): Apply then.
(laughing)
Why are we laughing?
Thank God this guy is covering NASA and not a tornado.
"Everyone here is now homeless or dead."
(laughs)
But yes, NASA is looking for new astronauts.
But you can only apply if you have a master's degree
and are in peak physical condition.
Basically, you have to be an athletic nerd,
which doesn't exist.
That would be like Neil deGrasse Mike Tyson.
That's what you've got to be.
"It's time to discuss supernovas."
(laughter)
I'm joking, Mike.
Now, uh, I'll be honest,
I-I think NASA's standards are too high.
Like, you-you shouldn't need
a master's degree to go to space.
You just need two things.
One: you need to know how to walk in slow motion.
Just like...
And two: you need courage.
That's all you need. You know who NASA should hire?
Those people who buy sushi at 7-Eleven.
That's-that's what you need in space.
"I see you aren't afraid of taking risks.
You want to... want to fly to Pluto?"
All right, in other news,
remember the massive admissions scandal
that rocked American colleges last year?
Well, yesterday,
one big parent got the biggest sentence yet.
NEWSMAN: This morning, the heiress
to the Hot Pocket snack food fortune
is heading to prison after a judge handed down
the harshest sentence yet in the college admission scandal.
-(timer dings) -♪ Hot Pockets. ♪
She understands the harm that her choices caused.
She understands the impact
that those choices had on students.
NEWSMAN: Michelle Janavs sentenced to five months
behind bars after pleading guilty
to paying bribes to get her two daughters
admitted to elite universities.
That's right, the Hot Pockets heiress
was sentenced to five months in prison.
Although, after two and a half months,
they'll take her out, flip her over
and then put her back in.
(laughter and applause)
By the way...
By the way, can we admit "Hot Pockets heiress"
is a very weird phrase that is somehow both trashy
and extremely upper-class at the same time.
You know, it's like,
"Introducing the archduchess of scratch-off lottery tickets."
(laughter)
Now, some people will be like,
"Oh, five months doesn't seem like a long time in prison."
But it really is, especially if you're a rich white woman.
I mean, for them, that's basically life.
Think about it. By the time you get out,
your book club has moved on to a totally new book.
If you go to prison in August,
you'll completely miss pumpkin spice season.
And worst of all, your kids
will have completely forgotten who you are. Yeah.
You'll be back like, "It's me, your mom.
The woman the nanny gives you to on the weekends. Remember?"
But on the other hand,
she might come out of prison with all new ideas
for fillings for Hot Pockets, you know? Yeah.
She'll be back in the boardroom like,
"All right, guys. Forget that ham and cheese shit.
"We're doing toilet wine and cigarettes. Come on.
"Gonna put a shiv inside each one
"so if anyone steps to Aunt Becky,
they can catch a fade."
And finally, for all those ladies out there
who are sick and tired of how expensive tampons are,
you might want to consider moving to the Highlands.
In Scotland, Parliament has just approved plans
to make sanitary products freely available to all women.
Yeah, it's the first nation in the world to do this.
Now, the law would make tampons and sanitary pads available
at designated public places,
places like youth clubs and pharmacies.
In 2018, Scotland became the first country in the world
to provide free sanitary products
in schools, colleges and universities.
Yes. Congratulations, Scotland, on being the first country
to make sanitary products free to all the women who need it.
Yeah. I think it should be like this everywhere, you know?
-(cheering and applause) -It really should.
Because i-if you think about it, it's crazy
that half the population has to pay so much
for a natural process in their body.
I mean, imagine if there was, like, a tax on boners.
Yeah. I would have been bankrupt by the time I was 13.
(laughter)
Part of me wonders if this law was passed by mistake.
You know, maybe someone in Scottish Parliament
was just like, "We need to fix our bloody problems."
And someone's like, "Aye, all right.
Free tampons for everyone."