Wow!
It's my town!
We've just entered Jezza.
Oh, no!
When I say we've just entered Jezza, that's a disgusting thought.
We've come into Jezza. No, we haven't come into Jezza.
Even though we were on an important mission,
I decided we should pull over and have a look around.
Jezza church.
They've actually had a church where they worship me.
Protect and serve?
I've never seen that and those close. That doesn't make any sense at all.
-My name is Jezza. -Your name is Jezza?
My name is Jezza. What do you think of that?
You'll like this, James.
There is Jezza's back alley. Well found.
At this point, to demonstrate that Hammond's car was too small,
James and I bought him a present.
Do you like it?
We like it, because it's really the Dralon.
'Cause we know you like dralon 'cause you're from Birmingham.
And we know that you like the peacock and cheetah blend, which gives an African
-and yet Birmingham flavour. -Yes.
And I've put it in my car and we know it fits.
We know it fits, and mine. It fits in both our cars.
-Does it? Does it really? -Yes, it does.
-Precisely into your car? Snug. -It fits. It's snug.
Is it?
Anyway, Hammond. There are plenty of people here who can help you.
Good. Let's pop it in the back of my car.
Okay, now, maybe I could...
-I think he's started to dye his hair. -Do you?
Have a look. He's 45. There isn't a grey...
-You know Paul McCartney? -Yeah.
Have a look at that.
I think if I maybe... Just...
Oh, easy, yeah. That'll fit.
Yeah.
Is it nearly in? Let's have a look.
Pretty close.
What you've got now is a big rear spoiler.
That's how it runs.
Right, I think it's time to pull out of Jezza.
I just hope nobody sees me doing it.
As we headed further West, we discovered that rural Uganda
is the world capital of the speed hump.
Oh, God!
James is now regretting selecting the R.
If they get any bigger, I've had it, if I'm honest.
Annoyingly, though, the speed mountains didn't seem to worry the agri-yob.
Easy. No problem, goodbye.
But Jeremy and I suffered, for mile after graunching mile.
That's it, no more.
Apart from that one.
But that really was the absolute last one.
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
Relax.
Not yet.
As night started to fall, it was time to look for a hotel.
And Hammond thought we'd stand a better chance of finding one
if we switched to the side roads.
Which was a great idea.
Whoa!
I can't stop!
You idiot!
I can't stop it!
Well, I can't stop it, either!
I'm enjoying the sounds of disaster behind me.
Hammond, there had better be a really good hotel at the end of this.
These buildings down here, there'll be a very nice hotel.
One of those with a posh book in it.
So, in your mind, because there's tea being grown,
there's a sort of plantation house with a veranda and somebody saying:
"Would you like a gin sling?"
People in white linen suits with hats on have to come to tea plantations
to test and buy tea for supermarkets.
I've seen it on the television. They will need hotels to stay in.
There will be one near the tea plantation, if not in it. Fact!
Hammond.
What?
If we're about to re-join that main road,
I'm going to have to get out and kill you very slowly, I'm afraid.
I believe that is what has happened, yeah.
Still, at least it's a lovely evening.
There you go. I told you there would be a hotel and there it is.
I don't see anybody coming out to help with our luggage.
So, let's go and check in.
Jesus.
-That is characterful, isn't it? -No.
Have you heard of the boutique hotels, small, with a style all of their own?
You're getting that room.
This one's got a chair and a table.
I don't think you'd even notice the smell after a while.
Oh, my God.
Hammond!
The next morning, desperate to redeem himself,
Hammond called an emergency breakfast meeting.
Let's just face reality here.
We're in Africa and we're not in a big, touristy bit of Africa, are we?
No.
All the hotels are going to be like that, or worse, and I've had an idea.
If you suggest camping, there will be a live and celebrated televisual death.
Your love affair with tenting... No, I'm not camping.
It's not, I... Let me finish. I haven't said tents.
-We've all three got estate cars, yeah? -Yes.
Why don't we sleep in the cars? We can control it. It's ours.
They're dry, warm...
Just get in the car.
-Actually, that's not a bad idea. -Get a sleeping bag, sleep in your car.
I could get a mattress that hasn't got excrement all over it.
But seriously, you could get a mattress in your car, easy.
I could easily get one. I'm not sure about you.
Did you have that as an idea?
He sort of did, yeah.
Come on, it's like camping, but it's not camping, 'cause there's no tents.
No, you're right. It's a good idea.
Don't do "come on" as if we're supposed to go: "You're brilliant!
You've redeemed yourself with quite a good idea."
He hasn't redeemed. And this is where you've brought me for breakfast.
No breakfast, then, obviously, because Christ The King, as it turns out, is shut.
It's weird. Christ The King hasn't risen yet.
That's the problem.