- Yes, what would you like a rap about?
- [Woman In Audience] Taxes.
- Taxes?
Woo, thrilling!
Great, what about taxes?
I know it's on everyone's mind because of tax season
but what specifically about taxes?
- [Woman In Audience] Whatever you want.
- No that's not,
I asked you the question.
(audience laughing)
- [Woman In Audience] Personal income taxes.
- Personal income taxes, okay.
Imaginative, great.
Personal income taxes.
Guys, we've set a really low bar,
it's only gonna get better from now on.
If you are in the front section,
the group on this side,
I see a hand right there, yeah?
- [Audience Member] Children on leashes.
- Children on leashes?
(audience cheering and clapping)
I'm trying to see,
okay cool, yeah.
I mean, (it's) real popular over here.
Do you have children?
- [Woman In Audience] No I'm 19, so...
- You're 19, okay.
I don't know, I mean we're in Hermosa Beach.
But, you know, I'm from Manchester in the UK.
You should have had like three children by now.
(audience laughing)
I've got a lot of friends from the school where I grew up;
they are grandparents already.
It's a true fact.
They're very happy with their lives actually.
So children on leashes.
Are you here with your parents then?
- [Woman In Audience] I am actually.
- Did you keep your child on a leash?
- [Woman In Audience] No.
- No.
Well you don't know,
they coulda just made you forget about it, just like,
quick little open the car door on your head.
You're not remembering you were ever on a leash!
You never did it?
And then is this,
are you the mother of one of these two?
- [Woman In Audience] That's my grandma.
- Yeah, did you ever keep your child on a leash?
- Only her little brother.
Oh, okay.
I hesitate to ask,
he's not here right now, is he?
No, good.
You let him off eventually, you were like,
"Okay, we'll trust you.
"There we go."
Okay, so, personal income taxes,
children on leashes,
let's come to people in the back of the room.
What do I rap about?
- [Woman In Audience] Lawn maintenance.
- Ah, thank you, yes, yes.
We've all been longing for a rap about lawn maintenance.
We're gonna get it now.
It's gonna be great.
No further questions on that one, thank you.
Guys over here, so far,
it has escalated in quality of suggestions then deescalated
and now we're gonna try and see which way we go.
(two audience members shout over one another)
Oh there were two.
So what did you say?
- Ash Wednesday.
- Ash Wednesday, ah!
Wow, a lot of you knew what that was!
Well done.
I mean, okay.
I thought Easter was very much like a British tradition
but obviously it's over here, okay cool.
Good on you.
Also, I'm just gonna keep looking at you
because my gosh, your chest.
Oh, oh mama!
No don't close it up, don't be shy.
I love that, the kinda guy
that's gonna unbutton four buttons
and then when someone comments on it,
oh no, don't objectify me.
(audience laughing)
No!
You got those boy titties.
I like them, they're nice.
I'm married to a woman,
but men are also very attractive.
Right.
Someone in the back said something.
I think you said 50th birthday, is that right?
(audience cheering)
Okay, oh dear, okay.
Before I continue this,
club, did they pay you for the birthday package?
- [Club] No.
- No, okay, so you shoulda coughed up more
if you wanted this interaction.
No, so is it your 50th birthday?
- [Andy] Yes it is.
- Yes it is,
and what's your name?
- [Andy] Andy!
Hi Andy.
How's it going?
- [Andy] Awesome!
- Awesome, gosh, you are like no other 50-year-old
I've ever, ever met.
If I met a 50-year-old, I was like,
"How's it going?"
He was like, "Awesome,"
I'd be like, "Oh you definitely divorced your wife,
"left your kids, and bought a sports car.
"That's what happened."
- [Andy] I watch you on YouTube all the time.
- Oh you watch me on YouTube all the time,
oh that's really nice.
I'm sorry for being mean to you Andy.
You're my favorite person here.
Screw you with your man boobs!
I am still taking Ash Wednesday.
So Andy, it's your 50th birthday.
What is your favorite thing about being 50?
I know you've only just turned it
so it's gonna be quite a big question.
Really it's gonna be what's the best thing that happened
to you today?
I found a parking spot!
Yeah that happens when you're 50.
What are you looking forward to about being 50
is the question?
- [Andy] Being half a century older.
- Oh like being able to say you're half a century.
That's quite cool.
I like that.
Well, congratulations, and long may it continue
although I should remind you the average lifespan of a man
is in the upper 70s.
Women are like, "We get paid less,"
but you get more time to spend it, so.
I mean economically, that doesn't work out.
It means we get more money per year, so.
Okay, to remind you all of the suggestions,
we had personal income taxes,
we had children on leashes,
lawn care, half a century, I guess,
Andy being 50, and Ash Wednesday from,
what's your name handsome man?
- [Kevin] Kevin.
- Kevin.
Oh that's a shame, isn't it?
It's a shame.
I wanted you to be something like,
you know, like a handsome man
but it's okay.
It's not my fault.
Babies are ugly so you give them ugly names.
You didn't pop out with like
perfectly chiselled pectorals, did you?
Are you applauding me being mean about your name?
You know you can change it?
It's really cheap.
I wish, 'cause I'm called Chris,
I wish I'd change my name but just to Chris with a K.
I think that'd be cool.
Chris with a K, I think I'd look like you
if I was Chris with a K.
But no I look like this 'cause I'm Chris with a C.
This then, after all that kerfuffle
is gonna be a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot
based entirely on those suggestions.
Never been seen before, will never be seen again,
and do not worry,
it will not be anywhere near as atrociously bad
as you're expecting a privately-educated
middle-class white boy to be.
So, let's drop that beat and let's have some fun.
Are you excited?
Yeah you are.
Let's do this!
Maybe more volume on that?
Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun,
this is gonna be so hype.
♪ Hollered from the back ♪
♪ Sitting on the chair ♪
♪ You were like, "Guys watch this," ♪
♪ Say lawn care ♪
♪ I wanna make sure I get my whole grass straight ♪
♪ Cut it down three millimetre then aerate ♪
♪ I've got the mechanical tool ♪
♪ It's got the little nails ♪
♪ It makes all the other gardeners drool ♪
♪ I never fail 'cause I impale all of the soil ♪
♪ Other gardeners get angry and their blood boils ♪
♪ 'Cause they wish their lawn was manicured as mine ♪
♪ People walk past my garden and go, ♪
♪ "Damn that's fine" ♪
♪ I wanna rub myself on the grass ♪
♪ If it was Kevin then I might squeeze his ass ♪
♪ So when it comes to flowers ♪
♪ Look they're so pure ♪
♪ I keep a nice nitrate with the manure ♪
♪ I use the best thing ♪
♪ I can really grow ♪
♪ I've got a greenhouse in the back, tomah-toes ♪
♪ Sorry tomay-toes ♪
♪ You emphasize the syllables ♪
♪ Wrong very weird in February ♪
♪ Simple fools will get it wrong ♪
♪ It makes no sense, so they go "HR Block accountant...♪
♪ can you do my taxes for me?" ♪
♪ Mess it up I'll need to get ♪
♪ An attorney because the IRS ♪
♪ Come and look at your figures and say, ♪
♪ "Ah! ♪
♪ "You said your refund should be bigger but it's not ♪
♪ "You owe us, a whole lotta money!" ♪
♪ Whoever thought personal taxes were funny ♪
♪ Not the crowd apparently ♪
♪ You thought it was exciting ♪
♪ But they do not agree ♪
♪ They're like pay more attention, ♪
♪ Don't be so lax ♪
♪ Personally I don't pay that tax ♪
♪ I pay it in the UK ♪
♪ But not over here ♪
♪ Because I put it in a off-shore bank account, no fear ♪
♪ Anyway I'm offshore sittin on a beach ♪
♪ Where's my child gone ♪
♪ Oh yeah, here on a leash ♪
♪ He'll never get more than three feet from me ♪
♪ I will attach it ♪
♪ I'm like, "You'll never be free" ♪
♪ Come over here, yeah go and befriend him ♪
♪ Stay away from that man ♪
♪ Called Kevin ♪
♪ I put him on a leash so he doesn't get stolen ♪
♪ Even though Kevin's skin is so lustrous and golden ♪
♪ The little child stares enthralled and says ♪
♪ "Wow look at his beautiful pectorals" ♪
♪ I wanna rub all the suntan lotion in ♪
♪ And you've really got a very nice chiseled chin ♪
♪ Anyway I will take you back and be bedding ♪
♪ Not you c'mon let's celebrate like a mad wedding ♪
♪ A ruby one that is really clear ♪
♪ It means you celebrate those 50 years [40 years actually] ♪
♪ Like Andy's doing right at the back ♪
♪ He feels lucky like he walked to Vegas ♪
♪ Put it all on black ♪
♪ Half a century it was meant to be ♪
♪ I was born 50 years ago and my placenta too ♪
♪ Came out ♪
♪ It was after me ♪
♪ I feel wild like a rapid white water raft ♪
♪ Holiday having fun ♪
♪ Andy standing up ♪
♪ Everybody else is like, ♪
♪ "When the heck's he shuttin up?" ♪
♪ Well I'll tell ya bout this ♪
♪ We might befriend me ♪
♪ But come round my house ♪
♪ But not on Ash Wednesday ♪
♪ Choose a day before ♪
♪ It's a better one, mate - Shrove Tuesday ♪
♪ We can cook up all the pancakes ♪
♪ Ash Wednesday is when you put your thumb in the hearth ♪
♪ You can put it on your head ♪
♪ Clean it off with a bath ♪
♪ But then the forehead cross ♪
♪ Made out of the smoke residue ♪
♪ You look at Jesus think I'm glad it was you ♪
♪ You died for my sins ♪
♪ The son of God ♪
♪ You were great you did what sent down was your job ♪
♪ You died for our sins ♪
♪ And then were revived ♪
♪ Shrove Tuesday a verb for that would be shrive ♪
Thank you very much for watching!
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