Rafael Edward Cruz, also known as..., is the junior Senator from the Lone Star State.
Other than having the most punchable face known to man, Ted is famously one of the most
hated people in Congress, and not just by the other party.
For this list, All Things Top 5 ranks the Top 5 Reasons Why People Hate Ted Cruz!
Legend has it, that if you say his name, the devil himself will drag you down to hell!
Number 5 Don’t Tickle That Pickle!
In 2007, this sexually repressed ventriloquist dummy was the solicitor general for Texas.
Ted was part of the legal team that helped defend a law that prohibited the advertisement
and sale of mushroom missiles, artificial tuna tacos, and other obscene devices, but
did not forbid the private use of such devices.
In other words, Texans were free to use such toys at home, but they did not have the right
to buy them.
Anyone in possession of a 6 pack or more of plastic pleasure pickles was considered to
be promoting them.
The brief compared the use of adult toys to “hiring a willing prostitute or engaging
in consensual bigamy,” and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion
of prostitution.
In perhaps the most noticeable line of the brief, Cruz’s office declared, “There
is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes
unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”
Luckily for Ted’s wife Heidi, the court of appeals told Ted to piss off!
Otherwise, Mrs. Cruz could be serving some jail time for marrying the biggest d!ldo of
them all!
Number 4 Humble Brag!
Ted is so humble, that he’s not afraid to let people know that he is as humble or more
humble than anybody out there!
If you think you’re humbler than Ted, then you are just wrong!
Ted sat with ABC News to tell the world what gives him humility.
Nothing says humble than a giant painting of himself looking up at the heavens with
a slight angelic halo around his head.
Or is it all the people in this painting of him that are painting even more paintings
of him?
He’s so modest that he didn’t even mention what noble cause he lost that day.
This hero of humility argued that Texas should be allowed to back out of a legal settlement
in which it vowed to improve health care services for poor children.
We all remember Jesus saying: “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and
he will repay him for his deed.
Unless you need a giant painting of yourself, then suck it poor people!”
Nothing says "I'm a down-to-earth man of the people" like hanging an oil portrait in your
office like you’re some sort of 16th century nobility.
Number 3 That’s Not Wrasslin’!
What started out as a weird Twitter feud between Hellboy actor Ron Perlman and Senator As-Seen-On-To-Catch-A-Predator,
Matt Gaetz, about the US soccer team not standing for the national anthem quickly escalated.
This feud went back and forth until Perlman decided to bring Representative and Failed-College-Wrestling-Shower-Monitor,
Jim Jordan, into the fray.
Perlman Tweeted to Gaetz “You’re lucky for this guy Matt.
If it weren’t for him, you’d be the ugliest politician walking”.
This is the point where Ted decided to jump into the fight and defend Jim Jordan’s honor
by challenging Perlman to a wrestling match, not against him, but against Jim Jordan.
Ted bet $10K to a nonpolitical charity that Perlman couldn’t last 5 minutes in the wrestling
ring against Jordan.
Getting tired of Ted challenging someone else to fight his fights for him, Perlman offered
$50k to have Ted fight him himself.
Ted accused Perlman of being too scared to wrestle Jordan and needing to get a manicure.
Leave it to Ted to be a cuck by offering up another man to fight another man’s fight!
Speaking of being a cuck!
Number 2 The Cuckolding!
During the 2016 Presidential Primary, this Canadian Syrup Guzzler, got a mouth full by
Trump.
Trump has called Ted nasty, accused his father of helping to assassinate JFK, and repeatedly
attacked his wife by implying she was physically ugly and hiding a scandal.
Initially, Ted showed a hint of a spine and refused to endorse Trump as the Republican
presidential nominee for maligning his father and
his wife.
In a lengthy 700-word post on Facebook, Ted said “After many months of careful consideration,
of prayer and searching my own conscience, I have decided that on Election Day, I will
vote for the Republican nominee, Donald Trump”.
The entire statement could be boiled down to this: “My fellow Americans, I, Ted Cruz,
have been cucked.”
What’s worse than being a cuck?
Being a beta cuck!
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Number 1 Flyin’ Ted!
As Texans turned into human popsicles during the coldest winter in the state’s history,
Ted got on a flight to tropical Cancun.
It usually takes a person a few days to do something regrettable while in Cancun, but
for Ted, it took just 10 hours.
From the time his United flight touched down at Cancun on Wednesday, to his 6 a.m. scramble
the next day to book a return flight back to Houston.
Ted knew he made a horrible mistake and started having second thoughts around the time when
people started posting pics of him on Twitter fleeing his constituents.
Ted tried to explain the vacation without regrets and left the impression that it was
always a one-day trip for him, even though he had a carry-on bag the size of Texas.
When that failed, he tried the Blame-The-Kids strategy while masquerading as Father-of-the-Year
defense.
And when that failed, he finally acknowledged his error and took some responsibility, while
leaving his children still firmly under the bus.
It turns out that Ted does understand why people cross the border to escape inhospitable
living conditions after all!
Do you agree or disagree with our list?
Are there more reasons for wanting to punch Ted Cruz in the face?
Comment below and watch our other videos and subscribe to All Things Top 5!