- Kevin was at my wedding because I needed
a miniature black man on my cake.
So thank you, for that. (audience laughing)
- Please welcome,
one of the most successful rappers of 2001, Ludacris!
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)
- When we were looking for a roastmaster,
we called Jamie Foxx, Chris Rock,
and they both couldn't do it.
Then I had a great idea.
Let's call Kevin Hart
and see if he has Dave Chappelle's number.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
- What are you doing?
- He didn't have it. He didn't have it.
Kevin, you were awesome tonight.
I have huge respect for Kevin Hart.
Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen,
for him, that's an iPad Mini.
(audience laughing) Sorry.
Kevin is so short, he calls Lil' Wayne, "Wayne."
(audience laughing)
I love Kevin Hart's career plan.
Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only shittier.
(audience laughing)
- It's no secret that Justin wants to be black.
Can we all agree on that? Justin loves the black culture.
Everybody knows that. (audience applauding)
My thing is this.
Justin, I just want you to come to terms with the fact
that you're not gangster. That's Justin's main problem, man.
You're not a gangster, accept that.
- All right. - I mean, c'mon.
Orlando Bloom took a swing at you.
That's not gangster, Justin. It's not.
He's got a perfume called "Girlfriend."
That's not gangster, Justin. (audience laughing)
You threw eggs at a house,
gangsters don't throw (beep) eggs.
Snoop, when was the last time you threw eggs
at somebody goddamn house?
(audience laughing)
We don't do that.
It's not gangster.
Justin sang the N word on a video
in a song that was about killing black people.
That's pretty goddamn gangster, Justin, I'mma give you that.
(audience laughing)
That's as gangster as you get right there.
He has got in a lot of trouble when he got caught
saying the N word on video.
That right there, that should make you feel stupid.
Reason why I say that,
because you know who didn't get caught, Justin?
The billion other white people
that say the N word every goddamn day.
I'm talking about you, Martha.
I know you say it. (audience laughing)
Thankfully, Justin avoided the usual,
I guess you could say, former childhood mistakes.
He hasn't had a sex tape. That's good for you.
He hasn't killed anyone. You haven't bought a monkey.
Oh, shit, you did. You bought a monkey.
And you abandoned the monkey in Germany.
What the (beep) was that?
You abandoned a monkey in Germany.
That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey.
You showed him your lifestyle
and then you dropped him off in Germany?
Now that monkey's turned out in a goddamn German zoo,
sucking rhino dick 'cause of your bad decision.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Kevin Hart.
It's really great to be here.
Oh, there you are.
Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes
over the last hour is the hardest time I've ever done.
(audience laughing)
As we all know,
Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars
in the business right now and he deserves it.
He struggled for years.
When he finally got his first big paycheck,
he spent $150,000 on a watch. (giggles)
I forget that term for that. It's not African-American rich.
It'll come to me. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Justin, you know the word.
- For all the black people that are confused
about that old white woman on the couch.
That's Martha Stewart.
Yeah, right there. (audience applauding)
That's Martha Stewart right there.
Martha, do me a favor and put your ankle bracelet
on vibrate, so we don't have no problems during the show.
(audience laughing)
- Kevin, you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer.
(audience laughing)
There is a lot of star power up here.
These men combined have made millions
in child support payments.
(audience laughing)
Kevin, you are everywhere.
You know, Kevin's actually gonna be on the next season
of "Game of Thrones."
He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Kevin does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair.
He climbs out of his own bathtub.
He goes up on his wife.
(audience laughing)
- You guys may have seen her on "Reno 911"
as a whore on drugs.
If you didn't see that,
you may have seen her in "Neighbors" as a whore on drugs.
(everybody laughing) - Everybody,
I want you to pull out some Purell for Natasha Leggero.
- Real shit nephew, you look real good.
(Kevin stomping) (audience laughing)
I didn't know the Muppets made (beep) clothes
for (beep) though. (giggles)
(audience laughing) Yes, sir.
Now, look.
Kevin's from Philadelphia, right?
Just like Bill Cosby.
And just like Bill Cosby,
women can't tell when Kevin's inside of them.
(audience laughing)
- My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is. Yeah.
(audience applauding)
Wait, wait, let me clear something up
for all the young people here tonight.
Snoop Dogg is a rapper. (audience laughing)
Yeah, that's my aunt's favorite rapper.
You know? Snoop used to call himself the D-O-double-G.
That's right. The Dogg. Right, Snoop?
Back in the day the reason why he called himself "the Dogg"
is because he was a dog with the ladies. It's true.
Now he's called a dog because he sleeps all day
in the sun spot on the living room floor.
Isn't that true?
That's true, Snoop. (audience laughing)
- Thank you, Webster.
(audience laughing)
Kevin is the only celebrity with a star
on the yellow brick road. (audience laughing)
- Shaq, take that dumbass look off your face.
You look stupid. (laughs) (audience laughing)
Here's my question.
Shaq, how did you even end up on the roast?
That's what I wanna know.
They must've called up the NBA pre-game show and said,
"You know what? Send us the third funniest guy.
(audience laughing)
Wait, he's unavailable? Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq then."
(audience laughing)
- Congrats on all your success, Kevin.
I'm sure it's gonna last forever.
(audience laughing)
It's amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here.
Is this a roast?
Or is this Tyler Perry's, "Of Mice and Men?"
(audience laughing)
- I love Hannibal, I really do.
We know why he's here. Okay?
'Cause he's not happy just destroying my childhood hero.
(audience laughing)
That didn't make him feel good enough.
No, no, no.
He's here to destroy my daughter's childhood hero as well.
- I just recently got married.
That's something to celebrate. (audience applauding)
And Kevin was at my wedding
because I needed a miniature black man on my cake.
So thank you for that. (audience laughing)
- The semi-famous rapper, I'm talking about Ludacris.
His first album was called "Incognegro"
and his new album, "Ludaversal" is hopefully his last.
You may not recognize him from the "Fast and Furious" movies
because when he's on screen,
even the white people start talking. (laughs)
Please welcome, one of the most successful rappers of 2001,
Ludacris!
(upbeat music)