I was watching Netflix
recently—clap here,
by the way, if you have Netflix.
(audience applauding)
Now keep clapping if you
pay for that Netflix.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I see some older siblings
in the audience,
that's nice. It's nice of you.
There you go.
I don't know.
I'm not going to judge you guys.
I was one of the free lucky ones.
I'm rocking a free Netflix account,
thank you.
I have my ex-girlfriend logged
into my computer and never
logged out.
(audience cheers)
Free Netflix.
(audience cheers)
Yeah, the only thing is,
I don't want her to know
I have this free account,
so right now I'm kind of
just stuck re-watching
what she just saw,
(audience laughing)
so I don't get caught, you know?
The first couple of weeks was fine,
I was watching "Cosmos,"
"Planet Earth"—
I was learning, like, so much.
Yeah, but I'm not sure
what happened in her life,
but I saw "The Notebook"
three times last week.
(audience laughing)
Oh my God, I can't afford
this depression right now.
(audience laughing)
I want to shoot her a text and
be like, is everything okay?
You know, "Little Rascals" is
trending right now, right?
(audience laughing)
I really want to watch that.
(audience laughing)
I watch too many Netflix shows.
I get really into it.
I was watching this show
and they were digging up
King Tut's tomb
and the whole time my buddies
saw and they were looking at
all the gold, like,
"Oh my God, look at the gold.
"Look at the jewels."
And I was just staring at him like,
oh my God, look at his hair.
Are you kidding me?
(audience laughing)
So dead this guy has better hair
than living me?
(audience laughing)
Is he an organ donor?
(audience laughing)
Is hair an organ?
Can we figure some stuff out?
Weave it in.
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
I was hanging out with my nephew,
he's got his own Netflix account.
Super cute kid,
we're watching all
these shows together
and then out of nowhere
he looks at me. He's like,
"Hey uncle Mike, let's not
"watch any more of my shows.
"Let's watch something
"you want to watch." I was like,
that's great, Ethan.
He's like, "What did you watch
"when you were my age?"
And I thought about it. I was like,
I didn't really watch kids' show.
I just watched whatever
my mom watched, you know?
Yeah, so before bed I would watch
"Unsolved Mysteries"
with my mom
(audience laughing)
and I'd be coloring
in the background and I would
just hear the, like, TV narrator
just looking around . . .
look up at the TV,
there's some guy looking
through a kitchen window.
I was like, oh my God, mom,
what if he's in our neighborhood?
"Oh stop it, Mikey.
"He's not in our neighborhood."
Then I hear the guy on the TV,
like, "He could be
"in your neighborhood."
It's like, oh my God, mom.
(audience laughing)
She's like, "Don't worry Mikey,
"they definitely caught that guy."
"And the child killer
"was never found."
Mom!
"Go to bed.
"What are you doing watching TV?"
(audience laughing)
I want to show my nephew
some of the other shows I watch,
I was watching "Survivor Man"
and I was trying to explain
to my nephew what it feels like
to live off the grid, you know?
If you guys want to know
what it feels like to live off the grid,
just get T-Mobile and leave Provo.
(audience laughing)
Wow.
(audience applauding)
This is terrible.
My nephew is
a very smart kid though.
After a while of watching
all these shows, he's like,
"Hey Uncle Mike, we've been
"watching TV for awhile.
"We should do something else.
"Do you want to color with me?
"Let's draw something"
I was like, oh, definitely dude,
so he went out and
grabbed his crayons
and I had heard him
like dragging something
through the house,
and I looked down and
he had a bucket of crayons.
Couldn't even pick it up.
It was weird. When I grew up,
my pack of crayons
looked like a pack of cigarettes.
(audience laughing)
You know? Nothing fancy either,
just red, blue, green.
Yeah, growing up,
I thought magenta and fuchsia
were stripper names.
(audience laughing)
I didn't know they were colors.
(audience laughing)
I would just yell at my mom like,
mom, I need a dark blue crayon.
She'd yell back, "Push harder."
(audience laughing)
Oh wow, that is darker blue.
(audience laughing)
This woman's a genius.