- What holds most people back from success
is not their capabilities, not their lack of something,
it's their fear of judgement .
I'm going to show you how to free yourself
of the fear of judgement and fly.
(energetic upbeat music)
- Why do we allow other people to judge us?
Why do we give the power for how we feel
about ourselves to someone else?
Why do we say, "Was that okay?
"Do I look okay in this?
"Was I good enough?
"Was that okay?
"Do you approve of me?
"Do you believe in me?"
You see, when we're born, we must find connection,
finding connection is what life
is all about, connecting to other people.
And when we're little, we are dependent,
we are dependent children,
and we need to know that we're safe
that other people approve of us, we look at our parents
and go, "Did I do okay?
"Is that good enough?
"Do you love me?"
And that makes sense,
because we're trying to find our place in the world.
And we know that our survival is linked
to the people we live with, approving of us.
The problem is that many of us never give this up,
we go through life going, "Hey, do you approve of me?
"Am I okay?
"Do I look all right in this?
"What do you think? Was that good enough?"
And you have to understand a great truth.
What other people think of you is none of your business,
it only matters what you think of you.
And here's the thing, if you could go through life,
making people like you,
the very thing that makes one person like you
will make someone else not like you.
I was looking at the comments on one of my YouTube videos
and someone went, "Oh, your voice, I love your voice.
Your voice is so calming, I really like your voice."
And someone else said, "I can't stand her voice,
"I had to switch the whole thing off,
"'cause that voice is so grating,
so annoying and so phoney."
So two people, one liked my voice.
One hated my voice, but it doesn't matter.
It only matters that I am cool with my voice.
So the number one fear of being judged
is really not a fear of being judged,
it's a fear of being rejected.
You might not like me, I could create something, a blog,
write a book, give a talk, and you could reject me,
and I could go on a date and you could say,
"Oh no, this is not working at all."
And I can go home feeling absolutely crushed.
One of my favourite stories is when Meryl Streep
was auditioning for the love interest in King Kong,
and the director said, "Meryl,
"you're just not pretty enough for this part,
"and you'll never make it as an actress."
And she said, "You know what?
"That's your opinion, in a sea of opinions.
"I think I'll find a different opinion."
When Naomi Campbell was told, "You know, it's very hard
"for black girls to get on the cover of Vogue,
"that door is shut." She said, "Well, I'll kick it open."
And I love that because what they said very clearly
is, "You cannot judge me, I am judging me.
"I've decided I'm pretty, I'm interesting, I'm worthy."
You see, if you can decide you are worthy,
that judgement alone will change your entire life.
Don't give someone else the power to reject you,
don't give someone else the power to make you feel bad.
Some of the most successful people in the world
were told you will never make it at school.
You'll never be anything, the Oprah Winfreys,
the Tony Robbins, the Adeles, the Eminems,
the Ed Sheerans of the world were told,
"You're not going to make it,"
or they had a life without a father or without money,
and they were judged, but they bounced back
because they decided, "Ah ah, only I can judge me."
I was told I'd never make it,
I'd never...
that I wasn't smart, I wasn't attractive,
I was geeky and gorky, but I learned very early on,
that it doesn't matter what my teacher says.
It matters what I say.
And if you want to find out how our childhood
has such an impact on this ability
to judge ourselves so badly, go ahead and click the link
and join my free, 'I Am Enough' masterclass.
And you'll see how you acquired this fear of judgement
and how you can overcome it.
So here's the truth, if you are judging you,
you only have to do one thing, judge yourself better,
I can do this, this is my area of excellence,
no one can tell me I'm not good enough.
I remember years ago, someone saying to me,
I really don't like what you're wearing.
I went, "Oh, I love it, I love this."
I really liked it, so they couldn't tell me that.
Someone told me once, they didn't like my house,
they didn't let my decoration, but I didn't care.
Recently, someone said to me,
"You know, the lobby of your house looks
like a hotel reception," I went, "I know, I love that look."
They went, "Oh no, I hate that, I like mess.
"And I like make do and mend," and it was very interesting.
We have a different idea, I love the orchids on a table,
and they like mess and craft work, and I don't like that,
but that doesn't matter.
They told me my house looked like a hotel lobby,
I'm like, "Yeah, I know, I like that.
"Look, I know you don't, I do."
They weren't judging me, they're expressing an opinion,
that's their opinion, I have a different opinion.
So please do not give someone the power to judge you badly.
Don't walk through life asking,
"What if you don't like me?
"What if you reject me?
"What if..."
Most people have been rejected, they've been dumped,
they've been fired, they've been overlooked.
Take a look at Shark Tank or in the UK,
we call it Dragon's Den, we could have been laughed
out of the studio and told that will never work.
One Direction didn't win X Factor,
but they became the most successful boy band in history.
Robert Downey Jr. went to jail, so did Martha Stewart.
They were judged, they had a criminal record.
So did Jeffrey Archer, but they came back and said,
"You can't judge me 'cause I am judging me.
"And I'm judging me as doing really well."
I heard a story I love many years ago,
about a doctor who decided to run a marathon
to raise money for his hospital.
And he was out of shape,
I mean, he was working 18-hour shifts,
he wasn't going to the gym, and he came almost last,
and when he went back to the hospital, another doctor went,
"Oh, hey, I heard you came almost lost, that's so bad."
He went, "Almost last?
"Oh no, I came first in my category,"
"What's your category?"
"A doctor running from this hospital
"to raise money for a scanner, I came first."
And I love that, he decided he came first,
you can decide you are first in your category.
No one can judge you, become first in your category
of judging yourself.
Well, your best life is when you are free of rejection.
Decision means, decide to cut off from rejecting yourself.
You see, it's easy to go out on a date and go,
"Well, I've got cellulite, I'm a single parent.
"I don't have anything to offer, I'm not interesting,
"I'm not tall enough."
You see, if you believe that other people pick that up,
and if you say, "Hey, I'm a single parent," that's an asset.
"I have love in my life, I've got this great kid.
"I have love, and now I can have more love
"and my kid is an asset, anyone I meet is going to love me
"and love her too," 'cause you get to choose.
I promise you, I guarantee if you stop
judging yourself poorly and unfavourably
and judge yourself better,
you won't even care what other people think.
They can think, whatever they want to think,
as long as you think good things about you,
you won't hold back from this fear of judgement .
You will fly, you will soar, you'll live an amazing life,
knowing that what you think about you matters.
When your kid comes home and says,
"Mommy, my friend said, I'm not nice.
"My friend said, I'm stupid.
"My friend, that I wear horrible clothes."
You ask them, "What do you think?
"Well, I think it's good."
When my daughter was little, the most important thing
in the whole world on her birthday
was that I made her a cake.
I went to the effort of making a cake
and I'd make her a jewellery box cake or a Barbie cake,
but I had to make that cake, because it mattered to her
that I made it and I personalise it.
And then I worked with a client,
"Did you know my mom never bought me
"or shop-bought cake on my birthday.
"She made cakes and it was so embarrassing,
"I wanted to go out and buy me one like my friends."
Well, isn't that interesting?
My daughter, it mattered more that I made it,
and this person, it mattered more that her mother
didn't make it and actually bought it.
One of my clients said, "My mum used to sew all my clothes,
"and I thought that was such a loving thing
"till I went to school in the mean girls went,
"'Oh, you wear homemade clothes, that's yucky.
"'That's horrible.'"
And she said, "And I learned to feel bad that my mother
"was making me these things out of love."
So you get to choose, are you going to let someone judge you
and diminish you?
You see people are not busy judging you.
When you go to yoga, no one's looking you going,
"Oh, you can't do the tree.
You can't do the downward dog."
and they're far too busy trying to do
their own pose to judge you.
And if they are judging you,
people who spend all their time judging you badly,
don't like themselves, they feel inadequate
and they want you to feel inadequate too.
And your choice is never to give anyone permission
to make you feel bad about yourself.
Bounce back, come back.
Someone recently said about one of my talks,
"This woman is not kind, and she's not warm."
And I'm like, "Wow, where did they even get that from?
"That's so not me," but I laughed about it.
'Cause I know it's not true.
And they can't judge me unless I give them my consent
and I'm not going to do that, neither are you.
(soft upbeat music)