Alright, now that Christmas is over
I figured I'd go over
I figured I'd go over the
I figured I'd go over the TOP
I figured I'd go over the TOP THREE
I figured I'd go over the TOP THREE CRAPHOLE
I figured I'd go over the TOP THREE CRAPHOLE GIFTS
I figured I'd go over the TOP THREE CRAPHOLE GIFTS That I've gotten as a kid
Now, you know, Christmas is supposed to be about family, and friends, and giving..
And the Spirit of Christmas and blah-blah-blah
But when you're kid, it's not about that
It's about getting sweet presents
Like the.. the Sony Playstation that I got in 1998!
Holy hell! What a time to be alive!
I didn't even have a game to play on it
I just had the demo cd that it came with
And I wore that goddamn thing out, let me tell you!
I knew the first level of Crash Bandicoot better than the streets of my own neighbourhood
But not all the presents that you got for Christmas were home runs!
So here's my
So here's my TOP
So here's my TOP THREE
So here's my TOP THREE WORST
So here's my TOP THREE WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
Ready? Here we go!
[Number 3]
Now, this was is a little vague, but it's an easy one to start off with
Clothes! Any clothes whatsoever!
You don't want clothes for Christmas! You want something sweet, like a.. BOP IT EXTREME!
That's what I want! Bop it! Pull it!
Fornicate with it! Whatever you do!
It's the 1990's! How many matching sweatsuits do I really need? Jesus Christ!
Your grandma's over there, giving you clothes from the 1920's
"Ah, sweet, Grandma! Thanks for the suspenders and tap dancing shoes! My favourite!"
Your drunk uncle's over there, giving you a present, that's not even wrapped up
It's like still in a K-mart bag
"Ah, that's great, uncle Rick! A t-shirt with Steve Merkel on it, that's cool!"
"I'm sure that will get me laid!"
"Tell you what, I'll be sure to wear it at your funeral"
"When your lonely ass decides to drink yourself to death"
"How do you like that? God damn it! No wonder why your kids never call you on the holidays!"
[Number 2]
Alright, let me take a time-out here
And just say what a great movie the movie Jumanji was!
God damn, what a national treasure!
No, I'm not talking about that stupid-ass remake
With Dwayne The Scorpion King Johnson, not that piece of crap
Talking about the 90's!
Monkeys and bats coming out of a board game!
Goddamn lion playing piano and shit!
That's what I'm talking about!
So, imagine six-year-old me watching the commercial
And finding out that you can buy the board game from the actual movie!
Uh, hell yeah! I want monkeys in my kitchen!
I want Robin Williams to shave in my bathroom, sign me up!
So for Christmas 1996 I got the Jumanji board game
And here's actual footage of me that Christmas morning
Jesus, I was a weird-looking kid
I got like four teeth in my head
Look at me, I'm all pumped up, like..
Stampede rhinos are about to come burst in through the wall at any minute
But when you actually get to sit down and play this piece of crap
There's no stampede! No giant yellow plant
Coming out of the fireplace, trying to eat your sister, no!
You get to draw cards and you roll some dice
Whoopty doo!
They made the world's most exciting board game into a giant cardboard turd
And a couple days later I looked like the world's biggest asshole
Because I'm the one that invited all my friends over to my house
I'm promising giant mosquitos and David Alan Grier
And we didn't get any of that shit, we just sat there bored out of our minds
"So.. uh.. when's one of us get sucked up into the jungle?"
"Uhmm.. I don't know, let me read the instructions again"
So thanks a lot, Jumanji board game! No wonder why people threw you off bridges!
[Number 1]
Alright, so, this one is a little embarrassing
But I'm gonna preface that I was a whole five years old at the time, okay?
And when you're five years old, you got mashed potatoes for brains
And you can't be held accountable for stuff, it's not fair
So, that being said, when I was about five years old
For whatever reason I really enjoyed the song All I wanna do... Is have some fun by Sheryl Crow
That was my gem when I was five, I don't know why
I'd sing it in the backseat of the car when my mom was driving
*Singing in high-pitched voice* All I wanna dooooo.. is have some fuuuuun
Tuduuuuu-duuuu-duuuuuuuu
*Singing in high-pitched voice* I don't knoooow these words...
So when Christmas came around that year
My mom thought it would be a great idea, to give me, a five-year-old boy
A Sheryl Crow cassette tape!
Yeah, it was a cassette tape, it was 1995
So cds were like, $4000 at the time
So I open it up, and I got to say, I felt a little betrayed
"WHAT THE HELL, MOM?!"
"This was between me, you, and the Oldsmobile!"
"Look at Dad's face right now, look how disappointed he is!"
"Never mind the nerf football, Dad!"
"Your son's got himself a Sheryl Crow cassette tape!"
"How does that make you feel?"
But who was I kiddin'? I still got to listen to it upstairs by myself in my room
Nobody could hold me back from that sweet, sweet, Sheryl Crow cassette tape!
Are you kidding me?
My friends would come over
"Uhh.. why do you have a Sheryl Crow cassette near?"
"Uhh.. that's.. uhh.. that's my sister's, that's what that is"
"Uhm.. what about that poster on the wall?"
"GOD DAMN IT, MICHAEL! WHAT ARE ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR, HUH?!"
"It's my life and all I want to do IS HAVE SOME FUN! Big whoop!"
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