♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
JON, WHO HAVE YOU GOT FOR THE SUPER BOWL?
>> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, I GOT BASKETBALL FOR THE SUPER BOWL.
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A BIG SURPRISE.
>> Jon: YOU SEE -- BECAUSE IF THEY THROW THE BASKETBALL, IT
WOULD BOUNCE FURTHER AFTER IT LANDS, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR THAT.
I'M NOT A HUGE FOLLOWER OF EITHER SPORT.
SO -- ( LAUGHTER )
SO -- I'M ALL FOR IT.
LET'S MIX IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
I SAY WE GIVE BASEBALL PLAYERS HOCKEY STICKS.
>> Jon: OH, WOW!
WOW!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Jon: I COULD SEE THAT.
>> Stephen: LET 'EM TAKE THE STICKS WITH THEM AROUND THE
BASES AND JUST CHOP AT EACH OTHER.
THOSE WOULD BE WHAT KIND OF RATINGS?
THEY WOULD BE SUPER BOWL RATINGS.
JON BATISTE, GIVE ME A LITTLE FOOTBALL MUSIC, MAN!
♪♪♪ JON BATISTE.
THANKS.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME WRITING THE MOST COMPLEX TOPICAL CODE,
CREATING AN INTRICATE DETAILED STORY REALITY,
SUSPENDING AN ENTIRE POPULATION OF HUMANS IN NUTRIENT BATHS, AND
HARVESTING THEIR ENERGY TO POWER THE IMMERSIVE, FULL-SENSORY
COMEDY MATRIX THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I LIKE TO SCAVENGE AN OLD
COMMODORE 64 FROM BEHIND THE LIBRARY, STEAL THE CAR BATTERY
OUT OF THE ABANDONED IMPALA ON SOMEONE'S FRONT LAWN, THEN USE
SOME RUSTY JUMPERS CABLES TO HOOK IT ALL UP TO SOME 3D
GLASSES I SNATCHED OUT OF THE MOVIE THEATER TRASH CAN, THEN
SLAP THEM ON YOUR FACE TO PLUNGE YOU INTO THE JANKY D.I.Y. A.R.
NEURAL NIGHTMARE SIMULATION OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS IN
KOREA HAVE ENGINEERED BRAIN IMPLANTS THE SIZE OF A SALT
GRAIN WHICH COULD LET PEOPLE CHOOSE THEIR MOOD.
THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE THE FIRST MOOD YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO
CHOOSE IS "I DO NOT MIND HAVING THIS SALT GRAIN IN MY SKULL."
THE SCIENTISTS TESTED THE IMPLANT OUT ON RATS BY INJECTING
THEM WITH COCAINE AND THEN SENDING SIGNALS TO THE BRAIN TO
SUPPRESS THE EFFECTS.
SO... IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE IF THEY COULD WASTE COCAINE.
ANOTHER FEATURE OF THE IMPLANT IS THAT IT CONNECTS TO A
SMARTPHONE APP.
OH, GOOD.
I WAS WORRIED THEY WOULDN'T FIND A WAY TO BEAM THOSE SPAM CALLS
ABOUT MY VEHICLE'S WARRANTY DIRECTLY INTO MY HEAD.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER ENGLISH GOAT FARMER DOT MCCARTHY HAD TO
STOP HAVING PAYING VISITORS AT HER FARM DUE TO THE PANDEMIC,
SHE FOUND ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE MONEY.
SO, "SHE MADE 50,000 POUNDS AFTER DIVERSIFYING INTO GOAT
ZOOM CALLS."
I DO ENJOY THE USE OF THE FANCY BUSINESS TERM "DIVERSIFYING"
HERE.
"YEAH, WE'RE REALIGNING OUR BENCHMARK CORE COMPETENCIES IN
AGRICULTURE COMMODIFICATION TO BETTER SYNERGIZE OUR HOLDINGS
AND LEVERAGE OUR BANDWIDTH FOR SCALABILITY."
"SO... YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR GOATS ON ZOOM?"
"YES, WE ARE PUTTING OUR GOATS ON ZOOM."
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS-- SPOILER, IT IS EXACTLY HOW YOU THINK IT
WORKS, WHICH IS WONDERFUL: "IT'S FIVE POUNDS TO HIRE A
GOAT, WHO THEN JOINS A SCHEDULED MEETING, TO BRIGHTEN VIDEO CALLS
BY BRIEFLY HAVING THEM BUTT IN AS A SURPRISE."
WOULD BE ADORABLE, DEPENDING ON HOW THEY BUTTED.
>> REBECCA, DO YOU HAVE THE Q3 NUMBERS?
ALSO, SHOULD YOU BE TAUNTING THAT GOAT?
>> IT'S TRYING TO HEAD-BUTT ME, BRO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ViacomCBS AND
ITS AFFILIATE COMPANIES WANT ME TO ASSURE OUR VIEWERS
THAT NO GOATS WERE HURT WHEN THAT WOMAN
QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU MAY BE ASKING, HOW DO WOMBATS POOP
CUBES?
WELL, SCIENTISTS HAVE GOTTEN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE MYSTERY.
SO, IF THAT'S BEEN KEEPING YOU UP AT NIGHT, REST ASSURED,
YOU'VE STILL GOT A REAL PROBLEM.
APPARENTLY, WOMBATS' INTESTINES CONTRACT IRREGULARLY, CREATING
UNEVEN PRESSURE THAT SHAPES THE SIDES OF THEIR POOP, WHICH
SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED BY CREATING THIS THREE-DIMENSIONAL
MODEL, WHICH I CERTAINLY HOPE THEY CALL A "POOPIX CUBE."
NOW, IF YOU'RE SAYING TO YOURSELF, "HEY, SCIENTISTS
COOL ABOUT THE WOMBAT POOP.
HOW'S THAT CURE FOR CANCER COMING?"
YOU MIGHT BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT THIS IS RELATED.
ONE RESEARCHER SAID THAT AN EDGE OR UNUSUAL SHAPE IN THE FECES
COULD BE AN EARLY INDICATOR ABOUT THE HEALTH OF THE COLON.
OR, POSSIBLY, EVIDENCE THAT YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED YOUR
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS DICE.
KIDS, THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE CANDIES, BUT THEY'RE NOT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, LEGISLATORS IN THE NUTMEG STATE HAVE INTRODUCED
A BILL TO MAKE PIZZA THE OFFICIAL STATE FOOD OF
CONNECTICUT.
IT WOULD REPLACE THE CURRENT STATE FOOD, WHICH IS ANYTHING ON
THE COUNTRY CLUB MENU THAT YOU CAN EAT THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH.
JUST PUT IT IN A BLENDER, JAMISON.
COME OFF IT, CONNECTICUT.
THIS IS DESPERATE.
YOU HAVE ZERO CUISINE OF YOUR OWN, SO YOU-- WHO SIT RIGHT NEXT
TO NEW YORK AND NEW JERSEY-- ARE TRYING TO STEAL PIZZA AS YOUR
OFFICIAL FOOD?
WHY, BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONE TOWN THAT MAKES GOOD PIZZA?
STAY IN YOUR LANE.
THAT'S LIKE CANADA DECLARING BASEBALL ITS NATIONAL PASTIME
BECAUSE THEY HAVE ONE BASEBALL TEAM.
STICK TO HOCKEY, YOU MOOSE-FONDLING POUTINE JUNKIES.
I'M SORRY.
YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT PULLED INTO THIS STORY.
I SUPPOSED CONNECTICUT IS NEW YORK'S CANADA.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIFFANY HADDISH.
I HOPE SHE'S READY.
♪♪♪