YOU KNOW, I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE ALL LUCKY
TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY.
I REALLY DO LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT AMERICA:
HOT DOGS.
APPLE PIE.
BASEBALL-- MAYBE NOT BASEBALL.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW WITH PEOPLE IN THE WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I WILL SAY ONE OF MY
FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT AMERICA IS MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO
MAKE FUN OF THE POWERFUL: SENATORS, PRESIDENTS, BRANDS
THAT DON'T ADVERTISE ON MY SHOW.
SLEEP LIGHTLY, OLD EL PASO TACO SEASONINGS
YOU PICKED THE WRONG GUY TO NOT GIVE MONEY TO.
BUT NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS THAT FREEDOM.
TAKE TURKEY WHERE, RIGHT NOW...
( LAUGHTER ) NOW JUST TO BE CLEAR, ERDOGAN IS
NOT A NAME FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS."
I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE ERDOGAN COULD BE ARAGORN'S DAD, BUT
THAT'S OBVIOUSLY ARATHORN.
NOW, THE WHOLE THING STARTED WHEN DOCTOR BILGIN CIFTCI--
AGAIN, NOT A HOBBIT NAME- ( LAUGHTER )
POSTED THESE SIDE-BY-SIDE COMPARISONS OF ERDOGAN
AND GOLLUM ON FACEBOOK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PRETTY GOOD.
PRETTY GOOD.
, OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS FABLE, THAT COULD ALSO BE SOMEBODY'S
"REALLY" UGLY BABY.
JUST CLICK "LIKE" AND MOVE ON.
THEY WON'T KNOW.
BECAUSE OF THIS, DOCTOR CIFTCI WAS FIRED FROM HIS JOB AT
TURKEY'S PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICE AND IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL
BECAUSE...
IT IS A PUNISHABLE CRIME IN TURKEY TO INSULT THE
HEAD OF STATE.
FOR INSTANCE, IN TURKEY, LEGALLY, I COULD NOT
SAY THAT PRESIDENT ERDOGAN'S MUSTACHE LOOKS LIKE HIS NOSE IS
A TEEPEE FOR A CATERPILLAR.
NOW, DOCTOR CIFTCI HAS OFFERED A FANTASTIC DEFENSE, BUT THE JUDGE
IN THIS CASE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND IT.
AND I WILL LET CNN'S NEWS LADY OF LOTHLORIEN, CHRISTIANE
AMANPOUR, EXPLAIN.
>> HE IS NOW TAKING A NOVEL APPROACH TO HIS LEGAL DEFENSE.
HE AND HIS LAWYER ARGUE THAT GOLLUM IS A HERO, NOT A BAD GUY.
THE JUDGE ADMITTED THAT HE HAD ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM.
>> Stephen: COME ON!
EVEN IN TURKISH, "I HAVE ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM" IS
TOTALLY CODE FOR "I HAVE NOT SEEN ANY OF THE FILM."
SO NOW, THE COURT IS LOOKING FOR A GOLLUM EXPERT TO DECIDE THIS
MAN'S FATE.
HMMM.
WHO DO WE KNOW-- WHOM DO WE KNOW WHO IS AN EXPERT ON ALL THINGS
"LORD OF THE RINGS."
FOLKS, WHEN I SPENT MY ENTIRE TEENAGED YEARS READING ALL
OF TOLKIEN-- NOT JUST "THE HOBBIT", AND "LORD
OF THE RINGS."
I'M TALKING "FARMER GILES OF HAM," "SMITH OF WOOTTEN MAJOR,"
"LEAF BY NIGGLE", I KNEW I WAS PREPARING MYSELF FOR SOMETHING
IMPORTANT.
WHY ELSE WOULD I IGNORE ALL MY CLASSWORK, ABANDON SPORTS,
AND ACHIEVE A PALENESS I HAVE YET TO SHAKE OFF, IF NOT TO ARM
MYSELF FOR A MOMENT OF HEROISM?
AND NOW THAT MOMENT HAS ARRIVED.
A MAN'S LIFE HANGS IN THE BALANCE AND I ALONE AMONG ALL
THE EDAIN, AM CAPABLE OF FREEING HIM, MUCH AS LUTHIEN FREED BEREN
FROM THE DUNGEONS OF SAURON.
NOW, I'M SO TEMPTED TO TELL THAT YOU STORY RIGHT NOW.
BUT ANYWAY.
NOW YOU MAY SAY, "STEPHEN, WHY YOU?
WHY NOT DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON AND SCREENWRITERS FRAN WALSH AND
PHILLPA BOYENS, WHO MADE "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIES?"
SURE, THEY HAVE RELEASED A JOINT STATEMENT EXONERATING THE
DEFENDANT, DECLARING: IF THE IMAGES ARE, IN FACT,
FORMING THE BASIS OF THIS TURKISH LAWSUIT, WE CAN STATE
CATEGORICALLY, NONE OF THEM FEATURE THE CHARACTER KNOWN AS
GOLLUM.
ALL OF THEM ARE IMAGES OF THE CHARACTER CALLED SMEAGOL.
I CONCUR.
THERE IS AN IMPORTANT LEGAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN GOLLUM AND
SMEAGOL.
SMEAGOL WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL HOBBIT UNTIL HE WAS CORRUPTED
BY THE ONE RING AND BECAME THE CREATURE KNOWN AS GOLLUM, THE
TWO OPERATING AS SPLIT PERSONALITIES IN ONE BODY.
SO, YEAH, THE TURKISH COURT COULD GO WITH THESE GUYS, IF YOU
WANT TO TRUST A MAN'S LIFE TO THE SECOND-BEST TOLKIEN EXPERTS
IN THE WORLD.
AND THAT'S NOT ME TALKING.
THAT'S PETER JACKSON, WHO SAID OF ME, QUOTE:
I HAVE NEVER MET A BIGGER TOLKIEN GEEK IN MY LIFE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, FOLKS, I WEAR THAT
STATEMENT AS A BADGE OF HONOR.
AND AS MY TRAMP STAMP.
YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS IN NEW ZEALAND FILMING "THE HOBBIT: THE
DESOLATION OF SMAUG," WHERE I STARRED IN THE LEAD ROLE OF
"LAKE-TOWN SPY," I WENT TOE-TO-TOE IN AN AFTER-HOURS
TOLKIEN TRIVIA CONTEST WITH THE FILM'S RESIDENT TOLKIEN
EXPERT.
AND I APPARENTLY NEED TO REMIND EVERYONE, I EMERGED THE ONE TRUE
"LORD OF THE RINGS" EXPERT.
AND I DON'T BRING THAT UP TO BRAG.
I BRING IT UP TO SERVE JUSTICE-- AND TO BRAG.
THEREFORE, I HEREBY VOLUNTEER MY SERVICES TO EXPLAIN TO THE
TURKISH COURT WHY THIS MAN IS INNOCENT OF A CRIME THAT
SHOULDN'T BE ILLEGAL ANYWAY.
NOW, I CAN'T SPARE THE TIME TO ACTUALLY FLY TO TURKEY FOR THE
TRIAL.
WE HAVE BRUCE WILLIS ON THURSDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I AM GOING TO SAVE THIS MAN'S
LIFE RIGHT HERE IN THE COURTROOM OF BEING ON TELEVISION.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE TURKISH GOVERNMENT.
THIS CASE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO TRIAL.
THE MAN HAS COMMITTED NO CRIME AT ALL.
HE HAS MERELY BROKEN A RIGID AND TIME-HONORED CODE OF OUR
SOCIETY: COMPARING THE PRESIDENT TO A MURDEROUS FANTASY
CHARACTER.
BUT THERE IS NOT ONE IOTA OF EVIDENCE THAT THESE IMAGES SHOW
THE VILLAIN KNOWN AS GOLLUM.
IN FACT, WHAT WE SEE IS NOTHING BUT THE PITIFUL FACE OF
SMEAGOL, A HUMBLE HOBBIT OF THE RIVER-FOLK, WHO IS CORRUPTED BY
THE ONE RING TO BECOME GOLLUM.
THE GOVERNMENT MAKES THE INCORRECT ASSUMPTION-- THE EVIL
ASSUMPTION THAT SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM ARE ONE AND THE SAME.
BUT EVEN IF THEY WERE, WE CANNOT ALLOW THE GOVERNMENT TO PUNISH
THIS MAN.
THEY WANT TO PUT HIM AWAY.
BUT THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS IMPERISHABLE AS THE FLAME OF
ANOR, THAT SECRET FIRE SET AMID THE VOID, THROUGH WHICH THE
WORLD WAS SUNG INTO BEING.
AGAIN, I DID NOT HAVE TO LOOK ANY OF THIS UP.
IT IS FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER OF "THE SILMARILLION," MY FAVORITE
BOOK, EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE ONE NO ONE READS.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, I AM CONFIDENT THAT YOU
GENTLEMEN WILL, WITHOUT PASSION, EXAMINE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM AND RESTORE THIS MAN TO HIS FAMILY.
IN THE NAME OF ERU ILVATAR, DO YOUR DUTY.
( APPLAUSE ) SCOUT, JIM, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!