>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO, AND EVERYBODY IN STAY HUMAN,
RIGHT OVER THERE.
LOUIS, YOU KNOW, I LOVE ALL MY GUESTS EQUALLY.
>> Louis: OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE LIKE MY CHILDREN.
>> Louis: NATURALLY.
>> Stephen: BUT TONIGHT, TWO VERY SPECIAL, TOM SEGURA, WHO IS
A STAND-UP, WHO I THINK IS FANTASTIC.
( APPLAUSE )
GOT A NEW BOOK.
AND ONE OF THE TRUE GREATS WHO I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING TO, EMMA
THOMPSON IS HERE TONIGHT.
TWO-TIME OSCAR WINNER.
>> Louis: COME ON!
>> Stephen: TWO-TIME OSCAR WINNER RIGHT THERE.
SO, LET'S-- LET'S GET TO THAT AS QUICKLY AS WE CAN.
FOLKS, IT'S ALMOST FATHER'S DAY, SO MAKE SURE TO
CALL YOUR DAD ON SUNDAY AND SAY "WOW, THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE" AT
THE APPROPRIATE MOMENTS DURING HIS DESCRIPTION OF A PODCAST
ABOUT WORLD WAR I.
( LAUGHTER )
FATHER'S DAY CARDS OUT THERE TO CHOOSE FROM BUT THEY DON'T
ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY.
SO TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE EARLY ATTEMPTS IN
OUR SEGMENT: "FIRST DRAFTS."
>> NO, STUPID!
>> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, I'LL NEED SOME HELP FROM AMERICA'S
SWEETHEART AND MINE, EVIE COLBERT, EVERYBODY.
COME ON OUT.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!
>> HI.
>> Audience: EVIE!
EVIE!
>> OH, FRENCH.
>> Stephen: EUROPEAN.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY LOVELY.
>> THANK YOU.
WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE EMMA THOMPSON.
>> Stephen: I HAVE SEEN EMMA THOMPSON.
>> SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LEMON MERINGUE PIE I HAVE EVER
SEEN.
>> UNBELIEVABLE.
>> Stephen: DARLING, THANK YOU FOR DOING FIRST DRAFTS.
>> I LOVE IT.
WE NEED MORE HOLIDAYS.
>> Stephen: WE DO, WE DO.
WE'LL DO ARBOR DAY CARDS, SOMETIME.
>> YES, I GOT IT.
>> Stephen: HERE ARE THE CARDS.
FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT DON'T KNOW--
>> I WILL GIVE YOU THE ONE THAT YOU LIKE.
AND THEN AFTER THAT, YOU OF I GIVE YOU THE FIRST DRAFT, WHICH
WAS REALLY BAD.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS A REALLY-- I WASN'T SAY "REALLY
BAD."
THEY'RE GOING TO TURN OFF THE TV.
INAPPROPRIATE.
>> INAPPROPRIATE.
WELL, I MEAN-- OH, WHATEVER.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A SERIES OF CARDS, THE FIRST ONE OF WHICH
I WILL SHOW YOU YOU THAT WAS FOR SALE AND THE NEXT ONE DEEMED NOT
GOOD ENOUGH TO SELL.
>> THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE, IS IT NOT.
>> Stephen: SOME ARE INAPPROPRIATE.
SOME JUST ARE TERRIBLE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> I'M THRILLED!
HOW'SIT GOING SO FAR?
>> Stephen: IT'S GOING GREAT.
I'VE NEVER HAD A BETTER FATHERRER'S DAY.
THIS ONE SAYS, "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU."
THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO GET.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU, BUT WE DON'T REALLY DO THAT, SO
I CHANGED THE TANK ON YOUR GRILL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SOME PEOPLE DON'T-- SOME PEOPLE DON'T SHARE--
>> I SAY "I LOVE YOU," ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU DO SAY THAT.
>> AND SO DO OUR KIDS.
>> Stephen: THEY DO.
I TELL THE CHILDREN I LOVE THEM AS WELL.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: "YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU," IS WHAT I SAY.
THAT'S HOW WARM I AM.
"YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU.
NEVER FORGET THAT."
WHAT ARE WE DOING FOR FATHER'S DAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO FOR FATHER'S DAY?
>> Stephen: I WANT TO GO SEE A DAD MOVIE.
I WANT TO SEE THAT "TOP GUN MAVERICK."
>> LET'S DO THAT.
THEY SAY IT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: AND MAYBE A DOUBLE FEATURE.
THAT AND "MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS."
WHAT?
WHY THAT LOOK?
>> THAT'S A THROT ASK OF ME?
BOTH OF THEM?
>> Stephen: WELL, IT'S FATHER'S DAY.
WE HAVE THREE CHILDREN.
I WANT ONE MOVIE FOR EVERY CHILD.
>> OH, GOD.
( LAUGHTER )
ALREADY SEEN EMMA'S MOVIE.
>> FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: WHAT A PERFORMANCE.
>> FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: THIS ONE'S FOR THE STEP-DADS IN THE HOUSE.
IT SAYS, "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE STEP-POP!
I LOVE YOU STRAWBERRY MUCH."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE STEP-POP!...
CUZ OUR REAL DAD BANANA SPLIT AND DESSERT-ED US."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SAD.
THAT'S JUST SAD.
THE SADNESS YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW IS WHY THEY DIDN'T SELL THIS
ONE.
>> SLIGHTLY INAPPROPRIATE, NO?
A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE.
>> I GUESS YOU JUST SAY DARK.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANYTHING FOR YOUR FATHER?
>> YES, YES.
I SHOWED YOU, REMEMBER.
I CAN'T, HE MIGHT WATCH.
>> Stephen: HE'LL LOVE THAT.
HE'LL LOVE THAT, YEAH.
>> I WRAPPED IT AND LEFT HIM FOR IT.
>> Stephen: IS IT FULL OF GAS?
DID YOU ALREADY GAS IT UP?
>> HE'S 93.
HE CAN'T DO-- HE CAN'T DRIVE THAT ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: NO MORE SNOWMOBILING?
>> NO MORE SNOWMOBILING, SPEAKING OF YOUR FATHER...
THIS ONE'S FOR A GRANDPARENT.
IT SAYS, "GRANDPA, GUESS WHAT I GOT YOU FOR FATHER'S DAY?
HUGS, HUGS, AND MORE HUGS!" >> OH, I LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: INCREDIBLE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ: "GRANDPA, GUESS WHAT I GOT YOU
FOR FATHER'S DAY?
A BOOK ON MICRO-AGGRESSIONS.
YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP ASKING WAITRESSES WHERE THEIR ACCENT IS
FROM."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DIFFERENT GENERATION.
>> I THINK HE COULD USE BOTH OF THOSE.
THAT CHECKS OUT FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
FANTASTIC.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO DINNER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF WE WENT EARLY ON NOT FATHER'S DAY,
FRIDAY OR SATURDAY.
>> SATURDAY, I THINK WEACTD GET TWO OUT OF THREE.
>> WE'LL DO THAT.
>> Stephen: AND FACETIME THE THIRD ONE, MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY.
THIS ONE SAYS "DAD, TEACHER, DRIVER, CHEF, COACH, E.M.T.
TO US, YOU'RE EVERYTHING."
>> THAT'S A GOOD DAD-- TEACHER, DRIVER, COACH, E.M.T
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "DAD: TEACHER, DRIVER,
CHEF, COACH, E.M.T.
YOU'VE BEEN FIRED FROM SO MANY JOBS THIS YEAR.
GET IT TOGETHER."
( APPLAUSE )
WAIT, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE FATHER'S DAY SO FAR, SOMETHING
WE'VE DONE ON FATHER'S DAY.
>> Stephen: ANY TIME THE KIDS-- THE HANDWRITTEN CARDS.
THAT'S AMAZING.
THEY'RE ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE.
>> THEY WOULD HOP ON THE BED.
>> Stephen: HOP ON AND EAT THE BREAKFAST.
AND THEY WOULD-- EAT THE BREAKFAST BEFORE I COULD GET TO
IT.
FANTASTIC.
THEY'RE VERY LARGE NOW.
THEY'RE, LIKE, 6'2".
WE NEED A BIGGER BED.
>> YOU'RE A LOVELY FATHER.
>> Stephen: AM I?
>> YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER.
>> Stephen: THAT TOOK YOU EIGHT MINUTES TO GET TO.
( APPLAUSE )
EVERYTHING.
>> IT'S NOT!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
HERE'S A GOLF-THEMED ONE.
IT SAYS...
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "YOU'RE THE MOST TEE-RIFIC
DAD...
BUT I'LL NEVER FORE-GET WALKING IN ON YOU AND MOM 'PLAYING THE
BACK 9.'" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMA
THOMPSON.
EVIE COLBERT, EVERYBODY!