- LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED--
I'LL WAIT TILL YOU SIT DOWN 'CAUSE IT'S A--
IT'S A GOOD STORY.
IT'S A DOOZY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE, BY THE WAY.
DID I SAY THAT? I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, SO HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
LET ME PAINT THE PICTURE FOR YOU.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, WEDNESDAY NIGHT, 2:00 A.M.
THE YEAR IS 2014.
A BEAUTIFUL MAIDEN LAY IN HER GOLDEN LAIR.
THE MAIDEN IS ME,
AND THE GOLDEN LAIR IS MY SEALY POSTUREPEDIC.
AND SO I'M FAST ASLEEP.
IT'S 2:00 A.M. WHY WOULDN'T I BE?
I'M FAST ASLEEP, AND SUDDENLY I HEAR, "CHIRP,"
OR, LIKE, A, "BEEP."
"CHEAP." NO.
LIKE A...
"BIP."
MORE LIKE THAT. "BIP."
LIKE THAT.
NO, NO...
"GLEE."
NO, "BEEP." THAT WAS CLOSER.
ANYWAY, SO HEAR THE "BEEP,"
AND I WOKE UP,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
[audience commotion]
EXACTLY.
IT WAS MY SMOKE DETECTOR.
AND THERE WAS NO FIRE. DON'T WORRY.
IT WAS JUST A LOW BATTERY
AT THE MOST CONVENIENT TIME, 2:00 A.M. IN THE MORNING.
IT'S NEVER IN THE AFTERNOON.
NEVER WHEN I'M ALREADY UP ON A LADDER
DUSTING MY STATUES.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN CONVENIENT.
OH, "BEEP." OH, OKAY, I'M RIGHT HERE.
IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE, 2:00 A.M.,
AND CONVERSELY, WHICH IS A WORD I DON'T USUALLY USE,
BUT I'M GONNA USE IT 'CAUSE I'M RILED UP--
CONVERSELY, BATTERIES IN MY REMOTE CONTROL
STOPS WORKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY
WHEN I'M WATCHING MY STORIES.
ANYWAY, SO I DID WHAT EVERYBODY DOES
WHEN THE SMOKE DETECTOR CHIRPS--
I THINK IT'S MORE OF LIKE A--
DOESN'T IT SOUND LIKE, "BEEP."
LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
BUT A HIGH, HIGH PITCH.
LIKE, SO ANNOYING.
"BEEP."
THAT.
ANYWAY, I IGNORED IT.
I TRIED TO GO BACK TO SLEEP.
I WAS LIKE, THAT'S NOT GONNA BOTHER ME,
THAT "BEEP" LIKE THAT.
TURNS OUT IT DID.
AND SO I GET OUT OF BED,
AND I'M WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE
TRYING TO FIND OUT WHICH ONE IT WAS.
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS STAND UNDER
THE ONE THAT YOU GO, OH, FOR SURE IT'S THIS ONE.
AND THEN YOU STAND FOR A WHILE AND YOU DON'T HEAR IT.
YOU RULE THAT OUT, AND YOU WALK AWAY.
SOON AS YOU WALK AWAY, "BEEP."
LIKE, IT'S LIKE...
AND IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE FRUSTRATING
THAN RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
TRYING TO FIND, "BEEP."
SO THEN YOU NOTICE THE ONE WITH THE RED FLASHING LIGHT,
AND YOU THINK, OH, I FOUND IT.
BUT, NO, THEY ALL HAVE THAT.
LOW BATTERY, FLASHING LIGHT.
FULL BATTERY, RED FLASHING LIGHT.
NEVER NOTICED THAT BEFORE, BUT NOW I NOTICED IT.
AND FINALLY YOU FIND IT,
AND OF COURSE IT'S WAY UP HIGH,
SO I'M GETTING ON PORTIA'S SHOULDERS, AND...
SHE'S BARELY HOLDING ME LIKE A--
SHE'S THIN, BUT SHE'S GOT THE BACK STRENGTH
OF A DENVER BRONCO, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
BUT ANYWAY, SHE'S TRYING TO BALANCE ME.
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO UNTWIST IT,
IT DOESN'T UNTWIST.
AND YOU JUST FINALLY YANK IT,
BECAUSE WHO'S GOT TOOLS, YOU KNOW?
SO YOU JUST--
THEN I TRY TO TAKE THE BATTERY OUT.
GUESS WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT IT STILL BEEPS WITHOUT THE BATTERY.
IT'S LIKE A DEVIL DETECTOR, IS WHAT IT IS.
YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY GOT MINE TO STOP BEEPING?
I DIDN'T.
I THREW IT IN MY NEIGHBOR'S POOL.
I JUST HURLED IT OVER THE YARD.
THANK YOU.
[applause] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
[chuckles]
I'M GLAD THAT YOU'RE HAPPY THAT I PUT IT IN MY NEIGHBOR'S--
CLEARLY NONE OF YOU ARE MY NEIGHBOR.
THIS HAS A HAPPY ENDING, THOUGH.
I CAME INTO WORK THIS MORNING,
AND I TOLD EVERYBODY ABOUT IT,
AND THEY TOLD ME ABOUT THIS NEW SMOKE DETECTOR
FROM NEST,
AND IT'S CALLED THE NEST PROTECT
SMOKE AND CARBON MONOXIDE ALARM.
THIS IS-- THANK YOU SO MUCH, STEWART.
THIS IS WHAT IT IS,
AND THIS IS BRILLIANT,
'CAUSE HERE'S WHAT--
IT'LL ACTUALLY TELL YOU IN A NICE, GENTLE, HUMAN VOICE
THAT IT HAS A LOW BATTERY.
LISTEN.
- HEADS UP. THE BATTERY IS LOW.
REPLACE THE BATTERY SOON.
- I WANT TO KISS IT.
I LOVE THIS.
[applause]
IT'S LIKE...
MY OWN PERSONAL "HER" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THAT'S--I WOULD WALK AROUND WITH IT ALL THE TIME,
JUST--
- HEADS UP. THE BATTERY IS LOW.
- [chuckles]
IT'LL ALSO TELL YOU-- IT DETECTS SMOKE,
AND SO IF--
BUT IT'LL SET OFF--
LIKE, IF YOU'RE COOKING, IF YOU'RE A TERRIBLE COOK,
AND THE SMOKE STARTS,
YOU CAN JUST WAVE YOUR HAND OVER IT
AND IT'LL STOP, 'CAUSE IT KNOWS THAT YOU MADE A MISTAKE.
AND AT NIGHT, IT GLOWS GREEN, SO YOU KNOW IT'S WORKING.
IT'S TRULY AMAZING.
I IMMEDIATELY WENT OUT AND I BOUGHT ONE FOR MYSELF.
AREN'T YOU HAPPY THAT I BOUGHT THIS?
YEAH. [cheers and applause]
THANK YOU.
I LOVE IT.
AND THEN I THOUGHT,
WELL, IF I'M GONNA TELL THE STORY,
I SHOULD BUY ONE FOR EACH OF YOU,
SO YOU'RE ALL GETTING ONE TOO.
[cheers and applause]
OH, ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
THAT'S A REALLY COOL THING, TWITCH.
THAT'S TWITCH OVER THERE, BY THE WAY.
THAT'S MY GUEST DJ.
[cheers and applause]
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S VERY COOL,
'CAUSE MY DOG-- THAT LITTLE CHIRP
WILL SEND MY DOG INTO A FRENZY,
AS IF THE ALARM WENT OFF, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO I WOULD APPRECIATE THAT,
BECAUSE MY DOG LOVES A WOMAN'S VOICE, SO...
- WELL, IT'S A PLEASANT WOMAN'S VOICE TOO.
IT TELLS YOU THAT IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE--
THAT'S SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT.
AND IT WARNS YOU WAY AHEAD OF TIME.
- SO NECESSARY.
- IT'S REALLY COOL.
THE NESTS ARE-- HERE'S THE THING.
GOOGLE JUST BOUGHT THE COMPANY FOR $3.2 BILLION.
THEY JUST BOUGHT THIS COMPANY,
SO YOU KNOW IT'S GOT TO BE GOOD.
AND I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THE NEST PROTECTS SO MUCH.
IT WAS DEVELOPED BY THE PEOPLE FROM APPLE,
AND IT SENDS ALL THE ALERTS TO YOUR SMARTPHONE,
SO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT HOME.
YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA WANT TWO OF THEM,
SO YOU'RE ALSO GONNA GET A GIFT CARD TO HOME DEPOT
SO YOU CAN BUY ANOTHER ONE IF YOU WANT--
[cheers and applause]
VERY COOL.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[cheers and applause]