- I'm surprised I look like this too.
Yes, take it in.
(audience laughs and cheers)
I have been told that I have a unique look.
I once got a text from a friend that said,
"At Trader Joe's, saw a lesbian from behind,
thought it was you."
(audience laughs)
And I texted back, "I'm at Trader Joe's."
(audience laughs)
When I was a kid, I used to flip coins.
Heads, I'm straight, tales I'm flipping again.
(audience laughs)
Spoiler alert.
Yes, and sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier
if I were straight.
'Cause like at least twice a day, a woman will tell me, "Oh,
I wish you weren't gay."
And it's like, "Yeah, well,
I wish you weren't my mom."
(audience laughs)
In high school, I was closeted,
and my prom date was traditional Muslim.
So she was like, "When we meet my parents,
we have to act like nothing is gonna happen here tonight."
And I was like, "Okay.
When we meet my parents,
we have to act like something is gonna happen here tonight."
Yeah.
Growing up, everyone called me Metro.
Because I had sex on a train.
(audience laughs)
Ugh. I hate Uber.
I hate it. I hate Uber.
And I know that that's like brave to say
in front of so many Uber drivers.
(audience laughs)
Thank you for the gum.
So I just bought my very first car.
(audience cheers) Yes!
Thank you.
The guy who sold it to me, he was like,
"You should know,
it has 115,000 miles on it."
And I was like, "Oh my god.
That is so fast. I'll take it."
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I don't know nothing about cars.
But Kelley Blue Book value is a great drag name.
(audience cheers)
(indistinct) Beep beep!
Everyone thinks I'm a bottom.
Okay, some people here think I'm a bottom.
Yeah, turns out people are pretty good at thinking.
(audience laughs)
Ya thinked right.
My favorite is when guys will be like,
"Sorry, I'm straight."
Like letting me down easy.
It's like, come on, man.
If anything happened here,
you would be the least hot guy I have ever been with.
And I would be minimum
third hottest woman you've ever been with.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Straight guys, ugh! I could just choke them!
Until I come.
(audience laughs)
Sir, are you straight?
- Yeah. Very. - Still got it.
(audience laughs)
I have a sports question for, do you like sports?
Yeah?
Okay, we're flirting. Oh my God.
Everybody be cool. Everybody be cool.
Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool.
(audience laughs)
Talking to a straight guy. Incredible.
Okay, sports question.
Do you think that the Seahawks are the Patriots of the NFC?
- Yes! - Ooh, some strong yes's.
- No. - No. Okay.
Second question.
Do you think that I know what I just said?
(audience laughs)
No, I saw that on a TV at the gym,
and then I memorized it.
(audience cheers)
Thank you so much.
I played sports as a kid
and sports taught me that I could be scared
and bored at the same time.
But I love MMA fighting.
- Woo, woo! - Yes!
Okay, I'm thinking for different reasons maybe.
God, it is so hot. Oh my God, so hot.
The MMA stands for mama, mama, mama ma.
(audience laughs)
I love porn. Anybody else?
- Woo! - Yeah!
- Yes. Okay, cameras, zoom in on the perverts.
Get 'em.
- This guy! - Get 'em.
Yes, right over here.
What kind of porn do you like sir?
- Just pull it out. - Cool,
and not so loud anymore.
Not so loud anymore. Okay.
I'll share first. I'll share first.
I love a storyline.
Like for me, my favorite porn storyline,
he's not gay,
but the rent is due.
(audience laughs)
Love that!
So now I'm a landlord.
(audience laughs)
For a living, I used to set up and operate escape rooms.
Has anybody been to an escape room before?
(audience cheers) Oh, a lot of us. Okay.
By the looks of it, you got out of there, congrats.
Very nice.
My first day on the job, a ton of people show up.
No one escaped.
Not one person.
Because the room is very confusing
and I set it up wrong.
Yeah. It was a terrible job anyway.
I got a "You up?" text from my boss.
At escape rooms, ugh.
Got a "You up?" text from my boss. He was like, "You up?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And he was like, "'Cause it's noon,
you were supposed to be here an hour ago."
(audience laughs)
I much prefer to do this.
One of my favorite shows ever,
I got to perform at an LGBT center for gay seniors.
Oh yes. They were so cute.
They were all like in their thirties.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Sounds like we got some "Golden Girls" here tonight!