[A WHITE CHAIR FILM]
[♪ music ♪] [BEIJING, CHINA, AUGUST 20, 2008]
[Shawn] I can remember every detail about Beijing—
the smell, the lights, the crowd.
I remember Nastia Liukin go up and compete and give a beautiful routine.
And I remember looking at her score, and it was one point higher than the highest score
I had conjured up in my mind, but it was impossible for me to get a gold medal.
I remember my heart just sinking. The entire world is being told..
[SHAWN JOHNSON] Do I even go out and compete?
Do I just throw it? I remember thinking
well if you can't win the gold medal, at least prove to the world that you deserved it,
and starting my routine and giving the best routine of my entire life.
I've never felt lighter in my life. I felt
[cheering] like I was on top of the world.
I remember seeing 50,000 people on their feet
giving me a standing ovation.
I told everybody it was the biggest honor of my life
but really kind of crushed my heart.
I remember being given the silver medal on the podium.
The person who did it, he gave me a hug and told me—he said, "I'm sorry."
And I remember that being really strange for me
because I was being given a silver medal at the Olympic Games
and being told, "I'm sorry." So it was kind of like a validation in my heart that I had failed.
I got two more silver after that then finally got a gold,
but it was like once I got the gold it didn't matter.
I felt like the damage was done.
I would go to school every day and every single person would be asking
about gymnastics or watching me on TV or reading an interview.
Every news article in the entire world said that I was going to come home with four Olympic gold medals.
I'd given 200% that day in competition and laid it down on the floor,
but I felt like I had failed the world.
I felt like since the world saw me as nothing else,
then if I failed at being a gymnast I failed at being a human being.
I was 16 years old living in a fishbowl.
Every single person and their mother was applauding and congratulating me,
and also critiquing me because I was on a world stage.
It was now about what I wore and how I looked.
[SHAWN WENT ON TO BECOME THE YOUNGEST CONTESTANT IN THE HISTORY OF DANCING WITH THE STARS]
I was growing up in the limelight.
I was 16 years old and a muscular gymnast,
and I was not even four-eight.
And I was dancing next to girls who were supermodels.
And I remember at 16, 17 from Dancing With the Stars
reading all of these blogs and reading newspaper articles
and seeing headlines of people criticized my weight and my appearance
and my personality and my character.
And it affected me immensely.
It drove me to try to change everything about myself.
Trying to act like someone you aren't and trying to look like someone you will never be
is exhausting and draining and feeling like the world doesn't accept you for who you are,
kind of it hurts your heart.
I feel like when all of that kind of compiled into one big moment,
and it was this 2012 comeback and I had all of these sponsors.
And I think around six months before the actual Olympic Trials,
I was hitting probably my all-time low.
I was spending probably over 40 hours a week training.
I was constantly trying to lose weight,
but it wasn't happening. My parents wanted me to go see a psychologist
or go see a doctor because they thought I was clinically depressed.
I remember I was losing hair. I wasn't able to sleep.
I wasn't eating properly. I was struggling with I wasn't 16 any longer.
So for months I just pushed myself in practice.
And I said if this is what will make the sponsors happy and my parents happy
and my coach happy and the team and the USA National Team happy,
and if this is what is right for everybody then this is what's right for me.
I can just push through it. And day after day come home from practice
just bawling and bawling and not having any outlet of peace.
I remember walking into practice one day,
getting up on the beam and standing at the edge of the beam looking down,
getting ready to start flipping. And it's one of those moments
that's really hard to explain and really hard for I feel like a lot of people to understand.
But in that one moment, I felt like God was telling me,
"You've been so distraught over this decision.
"And you've been putting yourself through all of this and your family through all of this.
"And you've been afraid of disappointing a lot of people
and not been yourself, but it's okay to follow your heart and to put it behind you."
In that instant, I felt the entire world just like be lifted off my shoulders.
And it was like in that one instant,
I knew it was all going to be okay.
[SHAWN CHOSE TO RETIRE FROM COMPETITIVE GYMNASTICS ON JUNE 3RD, 2012]
I was giving my heart and soul and getting to a place that I was not proud of
all for that gold medal again
that I distinctly remember in 2008 not being the greatest thing in the world.
And I think it's just kind of that validation that there's always more.
God is the answer to everything, and Jesus sacrificed his life on the cross
so that when I stood up there and I was given that gold medal,
yes, it's a monumental and amazing experience and wonderful thing.
But it's not the end all be all.
Yes, I can work my whole life to become the CEO of a company
or to make a certain amount of money or to win 12 more Olympic gold medals.
But it's not the purpose in life, and he will always be my greatest reward
and my proudest reward.
My name is Shawn Johnson and I am Second.
[I AM SECOND]