- HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU. - HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS?
THIS IS YOUR FIRST VALENTINE'S DAY MARRIED.
- IT IS, BUT YOU KNOW, WE'RE ACTUALLY NOT GONNA BE TOGETHER
THIS VALENTINE'S, WHICH IS-- IT'S ACTUALLY--IT'S OKAY,
BECAUSE HER BIRTHDAY IS A WEEK BEFORE VALENTINE'S,
AND I WENT PRETTY HARD ON THE BIRTHDAY.
- OHH.
- SO I KIND OF NEED THIS WEEKEND TO PLAN A LITTLE BIT MORE,
SO IT'S KIND OF ALL RIGHT.
SO WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE IT ON MONDAY.
- OKAY, SO--BUT THAT'S A SHAME YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE TOGETHER.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. - HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- IT'S OKAY, THOUGH, RIGHT?
MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT DID YOU GET ME?
- UM, A DANCE.
- WELL, AND YOU KNOW THAT MAKES ME HAPPY WHENEVER--
HOW GREAT IS HE?
[cheers and applause]
YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY.
I GOT YOU SOMETHING VERY EXPENSIVE.
I GOT YOU A GREETING CARD.
- OOH.
- THEY'RE EXPENSIVE NOW.
HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH GREETING CARDS ARE?
IT'S CRAZY! I BROUGHT A FEW TO SHOW YOU.
THESE ARE SPECIFICALLY FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
LOOK AT THIS ONE.
THIS IS $9, THIS CARD RIGHT HERE.
AND IT SAYS, "TO MY HUBBY, WANNA SPOON?"
[laughter]
THEY'RE TRYING TO BE CLEVER.
THE SPOONS AREN'T EVEN SPOONING.
THEY'RE IN SEPARATE BEDS.
THEY'RE NOT EVEN ROMANTIC ANYMORE.
THE SPOONS ARE SLEEPING.
AFTER YOU'RE DONE WITH THE CARD,
YOU CAN USE THEM FOR FEEDING BABIES,
OR, IF YOU DON'T HAVE BABIES, LIKE, LITTLE BABY RACCOONS
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
OR, RACCOONS ARE SO SMART,
AND THEY HAVE LITTLE HANDS, THEY'LL FEEL THEMSELVES.
YOU JUST GIVE THEM A SPOON.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE A RACCOON.
[laughter]
HERE'S ONE.
THIS IS A VALENTINE'S DAY CARD, AND IT WAS $10.
AND IT'S A BARN FILLED WITH FARM ANIMALS HANGING,
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS LOVE LIKE...
LIVESTOCK.
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE OLD MACDONALD'S DREAM CATCHER.
YOU CAN HANG IT IN YOUR CAR.
FINALLY, HERE'S ONE. THIS WAS $9 AS WELL.
AND IT SAYS, "WE'VE GOT AMAZING CHEMISTRY,"
AND IT HAS A PICTURE OF A-- IT'S GOT TEST TUBES AND BEAKERS.
IT'S A SWEET-- I'VE SEEN "BREAKING BAD."
I KNOW WHAT A METH LAB LOOKS LIKE WHEN I SEE ONE.
[cheers and applause]
YOU GET BOTH OF THESE CARDS,
YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO A METH LAB RIGHT THERE.
YOU'VE GOT...
FOR $18, YOU'RE-- IT'S A STARTER KIT.