♪♪
-Well, you must be new. I'm Lou.
-Yeah, Hi, I'm Sam.
I never done the whole group-therapy thing before.
I'm a little nervous.
-Well, I was nervous too my first day,
but Dr. Hamill is so great.
He's really helped me out a lot.
I've recently gone through a divorce.
I recently got divorced, too.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I just signed the papers in the hallway just before I came in,
so mine's just a little more recent than yours.
Just divorcing a bunch of things and, like,
tons of people right now.
-Okay. Well, I'm Lou, and this is Sam.
Nice to meet you. -I'm Penelope.
-It's is my first day, too. -It's is my second.
First day, too, two, so...
[ Laughter ]
-I guess we'll watch out for each other.
-Yeah, I'll probably watch out a little better than you,
though, because my vision's really good, so...
So, like 20/80 vision, so I have cat eyes, so...
And I can see through things and planets and stuff, so...
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, everyone. It's 7:00 on the dot.
That means you should all be in your chairs.
-Everybody in your chairs right now.
It's 7:00 on the dot, so we're starting.
Starting.
-Everyone, welcome back.
As you can see, we have a couple new faces here --
Sam and Penelope.
Now, I know it can be intimidating on your first day,
so, what I like to do is just have you observe for a bit,
get comfortable, see how this works.
Good?
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
Last week, we left off with Bob.
Bob, you were talking about some of the anger issues
you were having with your neighbor.
-Yeah, it's getting worse.
Last night he was playing the drums until 1:00 in the morning
and I found myself getting really angry and standing
in my hallway holding a golf club, ready to just...
-I got really angry at my neighbor once, too, so...
I was standing in a really big hallway, and I was holding
a golf cart, so...
[ Laughter ]
Tiger Woods was sitting in it, so...
He told me I was pretty, and he's at my house right now.
He's cleaning.
-I'm sorry. Penelope...
Um, we don't allow cross-talk at this meeting.
Thank you. Go ahead, Bob.
-Thank you, Dr. Hamill.
-Yes, thank you, Dr. Hamill, too.
Thanks to all the doctors in the world...
-Oh, Dr. Hamill.
I'm finding her very distracting.
-Yeah, I really think I want to punch her in the face.
-All right, everyone. Let's just take a deep breath.
-I already took two breaths -- two, so...
I can breathe so deep that I can move furniture with my breath,
so I rearranged my whole house that way, so...
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, let's try to get back on track.
Sam, you okay?
-Dr. Hamill, I'm feeling really anxious.
I need some air. I need to go outside.
I think -- actually, I'm sorry.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
-I'm having a panic attack, too.
My panic attack's having a panic attack.
It's called a panic-anic attack.
It's worse, so...
-Sam, Penelope, sit down.
Please have a seat.
Penelope, I am running this show, not you.
I shouldn't say this, but you are driving me nuts, so...
-Oh, I drive myself nuts, so...
I drive myself actually in a nut car, so...
My car's a nut.
I do promotional work for Planters, so...
It's Mr. Peanut on wheels.
The windshield is a monocle, and the convertible roof
is a top hat, so...
It's parked outside, so...
-Sit.
I think we could all use a break. You know what?
I've got a good idea. I'll play a DVD.
It'll help you find ways to relieve stress
in situations like this.
These methods really work, too.
[ Sighs ]
-Welcome.
Everyone has stress.
-I have stress, too, so...
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, okay, that's it.
Now, Penelope, I'm asking you to leave.
-Mr. Hamill, I don't feel so good.
-I don't feel so good, either.
So I have a fever of 161. Here's a thermometer.
-Penelope, stop, or I am going to call security.
-I am security, so...
You guys having a problem in here?
-You're security? Really?
Well, good for you, Penelope, because you know I am.
I'm, um -- I'm the guy who wrote
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."
Know that? Huh?
I'm the inventor of the air mattress, Penelope.
Also, Oprah and I have a secret marriage
that lasts six years, and you know what else?
I'm best friends with a banana.
So, so, so, what do you think about that?
What do you have to say about that?
-Well, I guess all I can say is
Benjamin Button was based on me.
I'm 70 years old, so...
I'm gonna die an old lady baby, so...
And I invented air, so every time you breathe,
you owe me 10 cents, so...
And I married Oprah's best friend Gayle and Stedman
and Dr. Oz, and our wedding was at Harpo Studios.
And I used to be a puppet. I was on "Fraggle Rock."
And my two best friends are a tomato
and Liza Minnelli, so...
-Okay, okay, okay. That's it.
Let's get some coffee, everybody.
Why don't we meet back here in 15 minutes.
[ Exhales sharply ]
-Oh! There you are!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do you like the outfit?
Look, tomato and I want to hit the town.
You know, here.
Girl's night out "Sex and the City" style.
Ow-owww-ooh!
♪ Hello, To-o-wn ♪
Penelope, you're my best friend, and I'm gonna buy you
all the nonalcoholic beer you can handle.
-Okay. -Let's go.
-I'm really thirsty. -Oh, are you? I'm thirstier.
-Well, I was thirstier the day before.
-But I was thirstier...
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Wow, what a touching ceremony.
I've never been to a wedding where so many people cried.
-I know. Nicole looked so beautiful.
I'm so glad I brought tissues.
-I brought tissues, too, so...
Probably more tissues than you, so I also bought paper towels,
a beach towel, a sponge, and a ShamWow, so...
I used them all up. They're all wet.
So I guess I was more emotional than you were, so...
-Honey, this is Penelope.
-Hi. I'm June.
I went to high school with Nicole.
-I went to college with Nicole, so...
And her parents and her neighbors.
We all lived together in a dorm, so...
We also went to school with the deejay, too,
so I probably know everyone a little better than you, so...
-Well, it's nice to meet you.
-All right everybody. Two announcements.
One -- I hope you're ready to boogie tonight.
And two -- while we wait for the bride and groom to arrive,
we'd like you to take your seats.
Your salads have been served.
-I already ate my salad, so...
It was my 10th salad today, so it was really good.
I have a salad bar in my car, so...
-So anyway --
-The steering wheel is a big crouton,
and it runs on bleu cheese dressing.
-Wow, this table is beautiful. Look at these cute little boxes.
-Oh, my gosh. They're so cute.
Oh, my God, they have M&Ms in them.
-At my wedding, we had M&M&M&Ms.
Just a few more Ms on our candies, so a little bit bigger,
a little better, so...
We also had L&Ls and L&Os and Q&Qs.
Just a little better than M&Ms. They're from Iceland.
They're known for their chocolates.
-Really?
-All right, everybody, it's the moment
we've been waiting for.
If I could get you to look that way.
-I'm already looking that way already, so --
that's the only way I'm looking, so I guess I'm just a little
more focused than everyone else.
-Are those horse blinders? Really?
-Now, everyone, I would like to introduce for the very
first time ever, Mr. And Mrs. Nicole and Steve Parker.
[ Applause ]
-They're so cute.
-Oh, boy.
-Oh, my God. What is she doing?
-Thanks for coming, everyone.
It means so much that you're all here tonight.
-Yeah, but don't drink too much.
I still have to pay for the honeymoon.
-Yeah. [ Both laugh ]
-I just got back from my honeymoon.
We went to the moon, actually.
It's made of honey.
-Well, enjoy your dinners, everyone.
-What was she doing up there? That is so rude.
-June, relax, okay? Let's just have a good time.
Why don't you clink your glass so they have to kiss?
You love doing that at weddings.
-I do love seeing people kiss at weddings.
[ Glasses clinking ]
-Oh.
[ Glass clinking loudly ]
-Penelope is ruining this entire reception.
-Look, you making a scene isn't gonna make it any better.
-Well, she's ruining their day.
-This is my day, so... I bought it from the government.
It's National Penelope in 14 countries.
The children celebrate by running into the streets.
And the post office is closed, but I still get my mail.
-Really? -Honey.
-Wow.
National Penelope Day? Well, you know what?
The month of June was actually named after me.
And you know what else?
Every night before I go sleep, I take my feet off,
and if I close my eyes real tight, I can -- oh,
I can watch "Toy Story" on my eyelids,
and my mom is a roller coaster,
and I was born in the -- in the 1930s.
So, what do you have to say about that, Penelope?
-Well, I guess all I can say is that, before I go sleep,
my feet take me off and they go to bed.
And when I close my eyes really tight,
I can watch movies on demand.
I can choose whatever I want, so...
It's free 'cause I know a guy.
My mom is Six Flags and my dad is Busch Gardens.
And whenever I want to, I can turn into
a black and white movie star from the 1930s.
-Are you serious? Are you kidding me right now?
-Okay, honey, why don't we just go relax
and get some air, okay? -You know what?
Let's go to the bar and get drinks.
And do not come with us. -Absolutely. Let's just go.
-I don't need to go to the bar 'cause I already had
50 margaritas, so...
I'm gonna get in my black and white car now but,
I'm not gonna drive 'cause I'm drunk.
Just a little drunk right now, so...
-Okay everyone, welcome to traffic school.
I know a lot of you don't wanna be here,
but need I remind you you're all here because you messed up.
-This oughta be fun.
-Yeah, I hear that.
-I can probably hear you better; just 'cause I have
really good ears, so...
I was in a listening contest this morning, so...
I came in first and second, so...
Just have really big ear drums.
Probably bigger than yours.
-Hi, I know it's been a while since you've all been
in school, but if you wanna talk you have to raise your hand.
-Um, actually, I was in school this morning, so...
I go to school all the time.
Go to school on the weekends, so...
Hasn't been that long for me, so...
I just came from there. I just came from school.
-Excuse me, what was your name?
-Penelope. -Well, Penelope, if we don't
get started, we'll be here 'til Tuesday.
-That's my favorite band from the '80s.
I have all their CDs.
-Great, great. My name is Regina.
As you know, we will be together for 9 full hours today.
-Uh, excuse me, can you tell me when the breaks
are gonna be because I have to pick up my 7-year-old
daughter from her piano lesson.
-I have to pick up my 6-year-old daughter, so...
She's 1 year younger than yours, so.
She practiced a little bit longer than yours.
She's teaching piano, so...
She teaches horns and computers and guitars and Spanish.
-To answer your question, we will have an hour for lunch,
and a couple of 15-minute breaks throughout the day.
Now, I'd like to have you all
tell each other why you're here.
Jim, why don't you start?
-Well, I had an accident
and my insurance rates went through the roof.
-Mine went through the roof, too, so...
They were just really high.
Mine went around the roof and inside of it.
And they were just so high they rolled over the roof,
so I guess they're higher than yours.
[ Laughter ]
-Anyway, my insurance company said if I completed this class,
they'd lower my rates.
-Mine said they'd lower my rates, too.
So much they'd pay for me.
I guess my insurance company's better than yours, so...
It's Geico.
[ Laughter ]
-Penelope, could you please sit down?
Alright, who is next?
Randy.
-Alright, well, I made an illegal left turn,
and I got speeding tickets, three of them.
-I have 99 speeding tickets.
Speeding so fast I broke the sound barrier.
Drove to the future.
In the future I already took this class
and everybody passed. Congratulations.
-Okay lady, you're freaking me out.
-Alright, alright, settle down.
We've got a really long, hard day ahead of us.
Can everyone please, please just listen and be quiet.
-I was already listening before I came, so...
My voice is so quiet it doesn't even make a sound, so...
[ Laughter ]
-Alright, thanks for that, Penelope.
-The longer this lady talks,
the longer we're gonna have to be here.
-I mean, I think this girl's a little nuts.
-Actually, I'm big nuts, so... I live in a nut.
My house is a macadamia nut, so...
Front door's a big almond.
Probably better than your houses, saltier.
-You know what, Penelope?
Penelope, I've had enough.
You know, did you say that you live in a nut?
Well, that's weird because I live in a cloud.
And I guess now's a good time to tell everyone
that I'm friends with Kermit the frog.
What do you think of that?
Oh, and also, I just got back from a 3-week vacation
from the planet Jupiter.
And you know what else?
[Rambling]
Like, what do you have to say about that, Penelope, so...
Hmm?
-I guess I'll say that I'm best friends
with all the muppets.
Including Skeeter, so...
I was invited to all their weddings.
I have a condo on Jupiter, so it's my summer home.
I probably know the area better.
My biological father is George Washington.
A little more famous. He's on the dollar bill.
I am, too. That's my eye in the pyramid.
[ Laughter ]
Also, I dated Tony the Tiger. I broke up with him, so...
And, if I want to, I can shrink myself
to 2 inches tall and just walk around.
-Yeah, okay, whatever.
-Please. -All right, come on.
-You know what? I think we should do it.
Why don't we all take a break and get some fresh air
and a drink of water.
And Penelope, I really think it would be best
if you weren't here when we come back.
-That's okay, I already left, so...
Left before you even asked me.
[Phone ringing]
Hi, Tony the Tiger.
How are you? Oh, just good? That's good.