You found this video today because you're wondering how to stop my divorce
and save my marriage. 6 quick tips for you the last one maybe the most
important. Let's jump right in on this. It's going to be some work to make this
happen. So resolve to take action. This is not an easy undertaking. It's kind of
weird that sometimes we think of marriage as being work. But it is. It
requires some maintenance. It requires adjustment. Sometimes we have to change
the way we think or even the way that we've been programmed. And that takes
some work. Here's an analogy. What if I invited you to learn to speak Finnish.
I say Finnish because I'm fluent in Finnish. And that's one that I'm familiar
with. It's not easy to become fluent in Finnish. But could you do it? Yes, you
could. And what would it take? Well, first of all, it would take a resolve, wouldn't
it? That's why I invited you as the first step to resolve to take action. Now, once
you make that choice, you're going to have to sign up for some classes. You're
going to have to do some practice. You're going to have to do the work that is
required. And I think that saving a marriage might be as much work as
learning a language. I don't say that to discourage you or to dissuade you from
your resolve. I share that with you so that you'll have an appreciation of what
is required. You actually have to change how you think in order to accomplish
this. Which actually leads me into my second tip for you today which has to do
with adopting an agent mindset rather than a victim mindset. There are 2 very
different paradigms or world views or mindsets that we can apply to this
problem that we're facing. And the one that were most inclined to apply doesn't
work. The victim mindset is one of blame. And it's easy in a troubled marriage to
know exactly who to blame and it's usually not you, right? I don't think it's
helpful to blame yourself either. I think that's still a victim mindset. An agent
mindset has to do with responsibility. In my book, I broke that word into 2
separate words. Response, ability. It's your ability to respond to
something. And I shared an example. I think I've shared it in other videos
here on the channel about driving. You know when you're driving and you get
lost in your thoughts and you go right past your exit. I hope I'm not the only
one who's ever done this. I honestly did this once in a place where I knew I had
missed my exit as I saw a big sign that welcomed me to the neighboring state. I
wasn't even in the right state. And here I was now it would be easy in life when
we find that we're not where we want to be. You look around yourself and you're
not even in the right state. It would be easy to blame someone or something else
for being there. Here's the truth of the matter.
You're here because you drove here. And in that driving example, I look down and
I saw my own hands on that steering wheel. Which bites a little, right? But no,
it's not my fault. See, I want to blame someone or something else. The problem
with the blame is it takes our hands off of the wheel. When you see your own hands
on the wheel, realize that the bad news is also the good news. You're here
because you drove here. Now, yes. Your spouse has something
to do with the way things are right now. I'm not denying that. But realize that
your choices have brought you to this point. And it's not that you're wrong and
having chosen anything that you chose. It's simply an acknowledgement of your
response-ability. Because if your hands are on the wheel, what can you do now?
Steer it, turn it, take it somewhere. And that's what we have to do if you're
going to save this marriage. So adopt an agent mindset not the victim
mindset. We're setting that aside. And it's not about who's to blame anymore.
It's about, "Okay, I see my hands on this wheel. What can I do to make things a
little bit better?" That will empower you. I promise 6 tips. Number 3,
practice gratitude. This is an important core concept when it comes to positivity.
And positive psychology. Gratitude changes our mind about very important
things that will be necessary if we're going to save this marriage. It's kind of
funny sometimes when I have couples in my office. And as they sit down on my
couch and start telling me about all of their troubles. Sometimes I ask them this
trick question. I warned you, it's a trick question. "How's your marriage?" Yeah,
you've already got an answer to that and it's usually not very positive if we're
thinking about divorce by now. But it's a trick question. Because you know what? I
don't care how bad this seems. It could always be worse.
Oh, we know it can always be better too. But honestly, when is that going to stop
being true? In fact, one lady in my office at one point, she answered with just that.
She said, "Well, it could be better." Oh, really?
When will that stop being true? After you make some improvements? No. It can still
be better. Gratitude is fueled by realizing that
this could always be worse. And when you
compare where you are to something worse, how's your marriage? Oh, pretty good, huh?
Yeah, compared to something worse. What have you been comparing it to? Probably
something better. Because you know that it could be better too. When we pause and
see that our marriage the way it is right now is actually pretty darn good
by evidence of the comparisons with something worse, it puts us in a position
where now we can open our mind to gratitude. Try this. This is a potentially
relationship saving activity. Take 5 days. Make a list of 25 things for which
you are sincerely grateful. Now, here's what powers it up. Don't
repeat anything on tomorrow's list that was on today's. Whole new list tomorrow.
At least half of your list is about your spouse or your marriage. Now, do you feel
something shifting in your brain? Because you might feel a little bit of
resistance to this. That's okay, it's pretty normal. We're going to do this on
purpose to shift our mind into a positive mode. Find what you're grateful
for. And don't make it up. You have to actually be grateful for it to put it on
your list. So think about what you're grateful for. Related to your spouse your
marriage. At least half of your list every day.
That's 13 if you're doing the math. Is about your spouse or your marriage. To do
that for 5 days, see what happens. Here's tip number 4. Work on yourself.
It's really obvious that your spouse needs to do some things differently for
this marriage to be good, right? Yeah, even if that's true, it's not helpful. Because
when you identify what someone else can improve, it feels like criticism to them.
They're going to get defensive. You'll notice that they've gone there because
of the defensive response. So even though that's true that your spouse could shape
up, turn your focus here to yourself and the work
on self-improvement. We already talked about positivity and gratitude, that's
one example. You could also work on your health,
couldn't you? You could work on your appearance, couldn't you? You could work
on your sleep patterns, couldn't you? Do you see all the stuff that you could be
working on? You get busy working on that. That's where your power is. And it puts
you in a position to show up differently in the marriage. You're not doing it for
your spouse. You're doing it for yourself. I've talked a lot of people who are
resistant to do that because their spouse has been telling them for so long.
They need to improve this or that
They need to lose the weight. They need to get
a job. Whatever it is. You know what? our improvements will probably please your
spouse. But do it anyway. You do it for you. This is a powerful tip. Now, number
5. Treat your spouse with compassion, respect and love. Think of those 3
words. Compassion, respect and love. Do a little bit of study, figure out what
those words mean. And how you might show up with compassion, respect and love no
matter what. I'm not saying do this if your spouse is compassionate, respectful
and loving to you. That would be really nice but that's not required. You treat
your spouse with compassion, respect and love no matter what. Can you try that? I
told you the best. The most powerful one I saved for last. Get some help.
It's just like if you wanted to learn Finnish or learn how to play the guitar.
Get some help. Hire a coach. Hire someone who can help
you to see the things that you're missing. This is a hard step for some
people because they're so ashamed that they're where they are or they feel like
this is private stuff that we really share with anybody else. We can't solve
our problems using the same level of thinking that got us into those problems
in the first place. And for you to engage someone who's a trained professional for
example. I'm a psychologist, I do this professionally. A coach who's familiar
with relationship dynamics. Someone who can coach you through the hard things
that are necessary. That is a powerful way to save your marriage and stop that
divorce from ever happening. You heard that last tip about get some help. If
you're wondering where to look, LiveOnPurpose.coach is where you will find
coaches who are certified in the principles that we focus on here on this
channel. Liveonpurpose.coach. We're here to help you.