I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL EVER WATCH THE NEWS.
YOU GUYS EVER WATCH, IT?
THEY'VE GOT SOME GOOD STUFF ON THERE.
DON'T WATCH TOO MUCH OF IT.
AND THERE'S A BIG STORY THAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT RIGHT
NOW.
IT'S.
A GROUP OF HEAVILY ARMED PROTESTERS WHO HAVE OCCUPIED
SOMETHING CALLED THE MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE IN A
REMOTE AREA OF SOUTHEAST OREGON.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY ANGRY BEARDED MEN IN OREGON SINCE I
REFERRED TO BLUE MOON AS "A CRAFT BEER."
MAX, IT'S A GOOD BEER, MAX.
DON'T GET ANGRY.
I LIKE THE ORANGE.
IT'S FUN.
THESE GUYS WHO HAVE TAKEN OVER THE THING CALL THEMSELVES A
MILITIA, AND THEY'RE LED BY A FELLER NAMED AMMON BUNDY, AND IF
THAT NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE SON OF THE
LEGENDARY CLIVEN BUNDY.
NOW, YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT NAME FROM BACK IN 2014, WHEN...
♪ CLIVEN FOUGHT THE GOVERNMENT OVER GRAZING FEES ON FEDERAL
LANDS.
♪ AND LOST ALL SYMPATHY WHEN HE STARTED SAYING STUFF LIKE THIS.
>> I WANT TO TELL YOU ONE MORE THING I KNOW ABOUT THE NEGRO.
>> Stephen: OKAY, UM, DON'T NEED-- DON'T NEED TO SING ANY
MORE OF THAT SONG.
OKAY.
HAVE THAT FUMIGATED.
ALL RIGHT.
AND NOW HIS SON IS CONTINUING THAT ANTI-GOVERNMENT TRADITION.
AND IF THAT'S WHAT CLIVEN'S SON AMMON IS UP TO, I SHUDDER TO
THINK WHAT'S IN STORE FROM THE CLIVEN GRANDCHILDREN.
I'M GONNA GUESS RANDO, PERVIN, AND KRAMPUS?
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD-LOOKING KIDS.
NOW, AMMON AND HIS GROUP SAY THEY BEGAN THIS PROTEST TO SPEAK
UP FOR RANCHERS DWIGHT AND STEVEN HAMMOND, WHO WENT TO JAIL
FOR BURNING 139 ACRES OF FEDERAL LAND.
AND AAMON'S PROTEST ON BEHALF OF THESE GUYS UPSET SOME PEOPLE--
SPECIFICALLY THESE GUYS.
>> Stephen: YES, THE HAMMONDS WANT TO BE CLEAR: THEY'RE NOT
ANTI-GOVERNMENT MILITIAMEN.
THEY'RE SIMPLY ANTIGOVERNMENT ARSONISTS.
PLEASE.
NOW, THE MILITIAMEN SAY THEY'RE READY FOR THE GOVERNMENT'S
RESPONSE AND ARE WILLING TO DIE FOR THEIR CAUSE, OR FROM BOREDOM
BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT RESPONDING.
AS ONE RETIRED U.S. MARSHALL SAID:
>> THE BEST APPROACH NOW IS TO WAIT THE GROUP OUT.
>> Stephen: PROBABLY NOT WHAT THE PROTESTORS HAD IN MIND.
THAT'S LIKE TAKING OVER THE ALAMO AND THEN NOT BEING
SURROUNDED BY MEXICANS.
DAVY CROCKETT WOULD LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE DOOFUS.
AND I GOTTA SAY, THE COONSKIN CAP DOES NOT HELP.
BUT MAYBE THIS IS A WIN-WIN.
IS IT THESE GUYS DOWN HERE ARE DETERMINED TO STAY PUT
INDEFINITELY AT THE MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE
REFUGE, WHY NOT JUST LET THEM AND RENAME IT THE "THE AMMON
BUNDY PRESERVE FOR THE ARMED AND CRANKY?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AFTER ALL-- ( APPLAUSE )
THESE CONFUSED, FRAGILE, HEAVILY ARMED CREATURES NEED SOMEPLACE
TO LIVE WHERE CIVILIZATION WON'T UPSET THEM.
THEY ARE CLEARLY ENDANGERED.
ALTHOUGH IT'S HARD TO KNOW EXACTLY HOW MANY THERE ARE
BECAUSE THEIR CAMO IS SO GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S ONE STANDING BETWEEN TWO
BUSHES, I BELIEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, SADLY, THERE'S NO HOPE OF
ESTABLISHING A BREEDING PROGRAM BECAUSE, FRANKLY, IT'S A BIT OF
A SAUSAGE-FEST.
AND WHILE THESE MEN MIGHT BE GREAT PATRIOTS, THEY'RE NOT
GREAT PLANNERS.
BECAUSE EVIDENTLY, THEY DIDN'T PACK A LOT OF FOOD, SO THEY
TURNED TO FACEBOOK YESTERDAY AND ASKED PEOPLE TO SEND, "SUPPLIES,
OR SNACKS, OR ANYTHING."
( APPLAUSE ) YES.
SNACKS.
WHAT HEROIC, LONE WOLF, GO-IT-ALONE, MOUNTAIN MEN HAVE
ALWAYS NEEDED: GOGURT, STRING CHEESE, AND LUNCHABLES.
I WANT YOU TO HANG IN THERE, FELLAS
BECAUSE HELP IS ON THE WAY.
YOU MAY REMEMBER VIEWERS AT HOME, WEEKS AGO I MENTIONED OROS
ON THE SHOW, SO OROZE SENT ME A TRUCKLOAD OF OREOS AND AN ACTUAL
OREO HOTLINE I COULD USE TO REACH NABISCO DIRECTLY ANY TIME
OF THE DAY OR NIGHT TO REQUEST MORE OREOS.
AND IF EVER THERE WAS A SNACK-MERGENCY, IT IS NOW.
SO I'M DEPLOYING THE OREO PHONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO, OREOS?
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT AND-- WHAT?
YES, I REALIZE I AM HOLDING THIS UP TO MY DEAF EAR.
I SAID, I AM AWARE OF THAT!
I NEED MORE OREOS, STAT!
ONLY DON'T SEND THEM TO MY OFFICE.
THIS WEEK, I'LL BE BROADCASTING FROM 36391 SODHOUSE LANE,
PRINCETON, OREGON.
JUST LEAVE THE COOKIES AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY AND THEN
BACK AWAY SLOWLY.