[LGR Theme plays]
[sips] Aahhh!
[typing]
[music continues]
In the mid-to-late '80s, Epyx was known for their "Games" series.
Games like Summer Games, World Games, California Games.
These were Olympiad-style...games
where you would compete in multiple...games,
attempting to gain the best overall score in the game,
and win the grand prize of carpal tunnel syndrome
and early-onset arthritis.
But one huge thing all of these had in common was that they were set on Earth,
using real life sports and events.
Come on, this was the age of the home computer, where anything was possible.
Screw real life.
Enter Purple Saturn Day,
published by Epyx and developed by ERE Informatique's Exxos label.
This was the same team of French dudes
who created Captain Blood and Kult,
aka Chamber of the Sci-Mutant Priestess.
They were tasked with making sci-fi games that were too bizarre for the regular ERE
brand,
and just looking at the cover art, I'd day that's pretty obvious.
I mean, this is just awesome.
It's like a B-movie convention and a...
an even trippier B-movie convention got together
and had trippy acid-fueled children.
"For the final victor, a queen's intimate embrace."
Oh, yeah...
"Race To The Stars," "Streak Round Saturn,"
"Make The Mind One," "Master The Tronic Platform."
Wait, "Master The Tronic Platform?"
A nod towards Mastertronic, perhaps.
Alrighty.
Let's just go ahead and take a look at the contents of the PC version.
And, yes, it was available for other machines
like the Amiga, Atari ST, Amstrad CPC, and even the Sinclair ZX Spectrum,
but I'll be looking at the DOS PC version
because it's what I own
and because I am 100% partially biased.
Inside, you'll find a 3.5-inch double-density floppy disk
containing the Day of Purpley Gas Giant Awesomeness,
as well as thin manual, which strangely
is *just* too tall to fit inside of the box,
so it has to be scrunched up to fit inside.
That kind of quality control does not strike me as a good omen of things to come.
The manual starts off with the fantastically esoteric story,
which basically confirms the suspicion that this is, in fact,
a European game from the '80s.
Apparently, the game is also set in the same universe
as the other Exxos games, like Captain Blood.
After the Solar Wars in that game,
Saturn was made the Center of System Affairs.
So on the first day of the new year on Saturn,
the Day of Purple Dawning,
a grand set of events take place,
followed by the strange chant
of "Ata Ata Hoglo Hulu."
Ata Ata Hoglo Hulu.
Ham Tot Zoglo Hulu Netflix
Vimeo Blip and so on.
The rest of the manual goes over the basics
of each of the four mini-games within the game,
along with random news articles and ads
pertinent to the citizens of Saturn.
Lots of alien terms and campy sci-fi dialogue abound.
They're silly and bizarre, just like the game itself,
so they only serve to augment the experience
that is Purple Saturn Day.
And finally, you have a listing of each of the
opponents you will encounter in the game,
hailing from various parts of the galaxy.
Some of them look kind of cool,
but then you have some that just look like someone
started off with something somewhat unique,
ran out of inspiration,
and then just plopped a face on it
so he could go home and drink himself into oblivion.
Poor lazy artist.
On starting the game, you're greeted with a simple options screen,
followed by the title and the credits,
letting you know that, yes,
you have installed and are running the proper game.
You're then taken to the colorific podium menu
where you can choose to practice any of the four games,
or you can just start the tournament immediately
by clicking this...triangular thing.
You can play them in any order that you choose,
but I'll just start with Ring Pursuit.
In Ring Pursuit, you are not pursuing rings
like some coked-up hedgehog.
Nah, it's much simpler than that.
It's essentially a slalom race between you and an opponent
through the rings of Saturn.
You just move left and right,
dodging rocks and space junk,
moving past the left and right of these yellow and red markers.
If you happen to stay ahead for most of the race,
and gather more points than your opponent
by slaloming correctly,
a winner will be you,
even if you don't pass the finish line first.
Although you can use a joystick or even a keyboard for this and the other games,
I highly recommend using the mouse.
It just felt easier and more natural
to finely tune my velocity and direction simultaneously
and on the fly.
The next game is Tronic Slider,
which is kind of a cross between Ballblazer and Battlezone.
Kind of.
You and an opponent control a hovering vehicle
with the ability to turn at 90-degree angles
inside a confined play field.
The goal is to destroy these roaming energy balls by shooting them
and then collecting their scattered remains.
Whoever gathers the most energy before time runs out wins!
And it's sort of fun at first,
but I felt it just went on for a few minutes too long.
I mean, I guess you could make the same complaint about any of these games.
Some of them just seem to drag on.
But this one especially is just annoying
because there's just not much here.
There are some other variables like smashing into your opponent
to make him lose energy,
but to me it just felt too limited in scope
for such a lengthy game, and I started getting bored.
The third game is Brain Bowler.
While the first two games were straightforward enough to get without much practice,
this one is very hard to wrap your mind around,
until you play it a few times, at least.
It can be described, and will be described,
and is being described as a cosmic electrician puzzle game.
You're faced with a giant brain.
Electrical brain.
So, a brain, with two sides.
The right side for you and the left for your opponent.
Controlling some sort of freakish cursor,
the goal is to light up all of these pin things
activating your side of the brain.
This accomplished by opening and closing gates and switches,
and collecting charges from these condensers.
Once you gather a charge, you can light a pin
by bowling your cursor into it.
Then you'll need to have one of your electrical charges
pass over it to light it permanently.
Do this for all of your pins before your opponent and you win.
It's much more complicated than all the other games,
but it's certainly not impossible.
But the controls in Brain Bowler are just awkward.
I guess the movement of your polygonal cursor thing
is supposed to mimic the motion of tossing a bowling ball down a lane,
but it just never felt intuitive to me,
like something was constantly disconnected.
The only other gameplay element is Sabotage,
where you and your opponent can actually finagle with the opposite brain side
to completely screw things up,
even stealing condenser charges.
Both cursors will also bump against each other when they make contact,
so you're actually playing defense along with offense
when things really get heated.
It eventually becomes fun, but it's just odd.
The final event is Time Jump.
You take control of a time spring space catapult or something,
launch yourself into the cosmos,
and release sparks.
Collecting as many sparks as you can
to grab enough energy to make another time jump.
Make more jumps and longer jumps than your opponent to win.
Very simple, at least on the surface.
It does bring a lot of questions to mind
about some serious cosmological stuff,
like, uh, how do I get back home?
Where the balls am I?
What do sparks have to do with traveling through space-time?
What the frick is this?
For that matter, why does Saturn have a population?
Whatever.
It is what it is.
Take it or leave it.
After all of these events are completed,
somebody will be declared the winner
and then it's off to see the queen for your reward.
Oh, yeah...
Oh, my goodness.
Ha ha!
Alright.
I think I need a cigarette after that.
And so ends Purple Saturn Day.
It's no wonder it wasn't included in the Epyx "Games" series,
under the name "Galactic Games" or something
because, honestly, it's just too fricking weird for most people.
I mean, pretty much everyone's familiar and comfortable enough
with running, skiing and biking.
But time jumping, brain pathway manipulation and hovering energy catching?
Yeah, not exactly mainstream stuff.
But it's by no means a bad game.
It's got awesome graphics, some fun mini-games,
and a bizarre little universe with a bizarre little atmosphere.
It really could benefit from some multiplayer of some kind
because...well, that would just be cool.
And some music or sound other than annoying bleeps and squeals
would be alright, but oh well.
I haven't played the other ports of the game,
so I'm not sure how different those are.
I'd still recommend giving Purple Saturn Day a try
if you enjoy other Olympiad-style games
and are ready for something a little bit different,
or if you're just somebody who is strangely drawn to strangeness.
[PC speaker bleeps]