Uh
I travel a lot for this job. This is my only job
Which is probably not good, but you know what I'm - uh - I travel a lot and people in other places
they're like pretty cool. Not very many people care about my tattoos. I live here in Utah
I got to say some of you are not on board. Okay?
I have a lot of weird experiences here that don't happen anywhere else. I'll give you an example. Once, I got done with a show
Uh, I'm here in Utah
I get done with the show, and an older gentleman comes up to me afterwards - so old
so, so old you guys
Have you ever - have you ever seen someone so old that if they were getting in the driver's side of a car you'd be like
"Uh is anybody else seeing this right now?" Y'know?
Do I have to stop? Am I the one? You know?
How close are we to a farmers' market, like
What is the danger level here is what - so old and he comes right up to me, and he goes "Hey
man, I love your comedy, good job, staying off the streets."
I
don't even know what that means okay?
Off the - what where did you learn how to talk like that? What are you the coolest guy at your retirement home?
You know? He's just like "I'm the Tupac of my friend group" like what?
Just assumes I'm gangster 'cause I have lots of tattoos. I am NOT gangster. That's not how it works at all okay?
I'm the least gangster person ever, I cry at the end of Toy Story 3 like everybody else, okay?
That guy cried so hard alright, do you know - me and him a lot of crying, okay? And yeah, man,
It's not gangster, it just makes no sense.
I got done. Here's another thing. I'm in a grocery store. I get in line behind this lady. Just a regular lady
Nothing going on. She doesn't notice me get in line behind her. She's standing there
She turns around she sees me and she makes this noise she goes "Oh ah oh"
and then she left!
She just left!
With all her stuff
Like yeah, uh, pretty sure she's stealing right now is anybody?
Is - is anybody else watching her you know? They were not.
Uh, yeah, so pretty sure she got away with like a lot of free stuff. Uh
Oh man
I don't know. You guys would be surprised to know though, despite all the weird interactions
I have with people who like, are weird about my tattoos
or don't know what it's like to have tattoos, the weirdest interactions my least favorite interactions are always with other people who are heavily tattooed.
Not a fan of other heavily tattooed people okay. Yeah, I'm calling it. It's not good
I know everything I need to know about another guy with a lot of tattoos, you know. Your parents hit you,
school was hard, you like to bring a snake to the park, you know?
I get it. You know, I don't want to have these weird conversations with guys. It's terrible. I'll give you an example
Okay, I'm in Walmart. I'm standing in line everything's going fine
I'm in line a lot in my jokes, so just keep going with that, but I'm in - I'm in line. I'm standing there
I look over and I see this guy wearing a tank top
and he's - bald head, completely covered in black and gray tattoos. His entire head is like covered in flames
He's got skulls and stuff obviously he got all these tattoos in prison, okay. I feel some of you being awkward. He's not here,
we're safe, alright?
Also, I'm allowed to make the judgment call, alright?
So I see him, he sees me, we make eye contact, and it's locked in for a second and immediately I'm like "Oh no
This guy's gonna try to talk to me." You know?
Have you ever just seen someone in public who's gonna talk to you, and they're just so white trash
you don't have the energy to deal with them?
So many crazy people. So this guy, he comes up to me, alright,
this is dude in Walmart, covered in his tattoos, he comes up to me, his opening line to me - the first thing he says
He goes "Hey, man. Where'd you do your time?"
What? I've done zero time everyone. I've never been to jail a day in my life, okay?
This guy's - but he's like, he's just making an assumption about me
he's trying to connect with me, and I was like you know what I'm gonna connect with him. I'll meet him halfway
I just messed with him a little. "Sounds like you know how it is, man, did five years in Azkaban. No big deal."
Yeah
Yeah, he - he wanted to impress me so bad. He was like "Word, alright, cool cool"
All that time in prison and you didn't read one Harry Potter book?
Seems - seems kind of like a waste, you know? I don't know what he's up to now, but I'm pretty sure it's not reading so
It's not-not good.
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