see when I was a kid I grew up I was one
of those people who thought I was a boy
living in a girl's body I thought that
somewhere in the mix of God making me
that he had made a mistake and that
somehow I had to live with this curse of
me having to be a girl my mom would
dress me up at church
dress me up on Sundays and a pretty
dress and a and and curl my hair and I
would stand in front of the mirror and I
would just cry cuz I hated it so much I
hated it so much I would pray at night I
would pray and I would say God please
make me a boy please make me a boy
please make me a boy like I literally
thought this was possible and you know I
in in school I thought I was mad because
I thought I made a better boy than most
the boys out there I mean I was this
starting forward I wasn't starting
forward on the boys soccer team I was
one of the first ones picked at recess
for all the games and you know what
I could I could out boy any boy I might
not look like it now I I couldn't no but
you know in so and and I liked girls too
from a very young age I liked girls and
I actually hated it because I went
through major heartbreaks because I
would have feelings for people that
didn't make any sense that no one I had
feelings for people that would go
nowhere it's not even something you can
act on it was something that didn't make
sense that you were an outcast and I had
these feelings that you would just get
broken hearts because there's no one
that's ever gonna feel the same way
about you that you feel about them you
know I grew up in church I grew up I
have many people in my family that's in
the ministry my my father helped found a
Christian school I grew up in church but
you know I no one taught me about God
all I knew is religion my mom taught me
the word but I didn't know anything
about the power of God I didn't know you
know pastor Rodney's taught it's in
Bible School you know that religion puts
burdens on people that they won't even
lift one finger to help them bear and
people in religion they grow up in
religion and there's there's no answers
they grow up in religion and there's
something wrong with you there's
something wrong with you but there's no
one that can help you in the in you know
growing up and religion with this
problem
you think you almost didn't like there's
this God that's supposed to love me
unconditionally
he's really this great guy he's supposed
to love me but he really doesn't love
who I think I am he loves her religion
says I should be right but I don't even
know how to be that person so like
you're just lost in the middle
I grew up hating the life I grew up I
tried to commit suicide many times by
the time I was in sixth grade I drink
bleach I ate rat poison I just anything
that I could do to get out of this world
I would eat the little things in the
shoe boxes that say do not eat and you
know by the time I was a teenager I got
into drugs and finally long story short
God touched my life when I was 16 at a
summer youth camp praise God for youth
camp 80 I don't know what the guy
preached but all I know is I cried out
and I said God just do something God
just do something I was so hungry for
doom to just do something and he touched
my heart and he filled me up with love
this love and he put a smile on my face
and for the first time in my whole
entire life I'd ever felt loved and you
know what I that feeling was so awesome
but it only lasted like a week I didn't
know what I did to make God do that to
me I didn't know what I did
and so for about a week later you know
the feeling died it's a it was all a
feeling I didn't know anything about God
and I all I and I didn't know that God
could set me free from all my problems I
didn't know that the anointing destroys
the yoke and so about a week later I
just went right back I was in a
relationship for the with a woman at
this time
and it was actually someone who I very
much liked someone that I would have
married and you know so I went right
back into that lifestyle I guess I
didn't know I'm not I grew up with
hypocrites so I'm not gonna be someone
who says okay great you know I'm gonna
serve you god I Love You God but still
have all these problems and so I didn't
I'm gonna cheat I'm gonna have to choose
one or the other I can't play both and
so I just went right back into the
lifestyle and so performer late four
more years I ran from God but I loved
him the whole entire time I loved him so
much for that one touch I loved him and
in my heart I wanted him but I didn't
know that I could have him I didn't know
that it could be okay I didn't know that
he could set me free so I ran for four
years and every time I would be in the
middle of sin I'd be
middle of sin and I'd feel the love of
God I'd feel his love and now all I
could say was God I'm so sorry because I
didn't know I could give my life to him
because I wasn't gonna give my life to
him and have these problems and so
finally four years later I got tired of
that and I was in my kitchen and I I was
ready to I had a knife and I wanted to
cut my myself and kill myself again and
but I looked down at the knife I looked
and I said never again never again
because I knew God was better I knew he
was everything I ever searched toward
everything I needed I put down the knife
and I said never again never again am I
gonna want to die and I told I told that
to suicide I never again am I not gonna
want to die am I gonna want to die
because that's all I thought my whole
entire life I'm talking from second
grade I wanted to leave this earth all I
thought about was death
anyways like I'd say I gave my life to
God and I went to this church where I
met Brock
like he said we were engaged within two
months you know what I broke it off
because I still had this problem I
didn't have what it took to make this
relationship work
I thought his mom was more attractive
than him
I know that sucks but it's true I'm
telling you when I was a little girl I
didn't grow up and want to marry Prince
Charming and when I lose a little girl
and I saw the stories like Cinderella
and I saw that Prince fighting that
dragon and he got out the sword and he
killed him I wanted to do that I wanted
to fight the dragon I wanted to marry
the princess I didn't want to marry the
Prince I didn't want a boy I didn't want
a prince to come rescue me I wanted to
rescue people when I was a little girl
we would write papers in school what we
want to be when we grow up I will write
papers of how I wanted to grow up and I
wanted to be a soldier and I wanted to
rescue people and save people's lives
not that I wanted to grow up and be a
mom and a wife so anyways I broke off
our engagement and we went to my pastor
for counseling to help us and he I don't
remember what he said but afterwards he
pulled back the siding they actually
told him he said Brock he said you might
want to leave this girl alone
he said Kazooie people don't usually
come out of this and he told him to
leave me alone and praise God he didn't
because he'd heard from God that this is
your wife so anyways
two years later we one year later we
went to Bible School and I came to Bible
School and I learned I grew up in church
I grew up in church I have many uncles
I have uncles that are Southern Baptist
preachers my brothers are chaplain in
the Navy my dad was a principal and a
founder of a Christian school I grew up
in church but I came to Bible School and
that's where I learned that the that
Jesus came though you might have life
and have it more abundantly and that the
devil comes to steal kill and destroy I
never go to Bible School to learn this I
[Applause]
had to get a degree to learn that the
devil is bad
Jesus is good
[Applause]
but anyways um and I learned that in
Bible School and all they talked about
in Bible School is hunger and in hunger
and hundred and hunger and hunger and
more hunger and all I ever talked about
was hungry so much to where if I mean
and even when you thought you were
hunger they'd say you're not hungry
enough you need to get more hungry and
it just hunger Hunger hunger and I was
in wheat they taught us they said if
there's anything you need from God all
you have to do is get hungry and go get
it
anyways two years later I married Brock
out of faith I told god I said god I'm
gonna marry him fine I tried to push him
away he wouldn't go away I said okay God
I'll marry him I said I said but I'll
marry him out of faith married I'm out
of faith I don't know what's gonna
happen
I don't know but all I know is he's my
best friend and it'll be okay I knew it
was gonna be okay and so I married him
and for three years for three years
three years it was a very hard
relationship because I did not want to
be intimate with him I'm telling you I
hated being intimate with him I hated it
and I don't know why anyone would even
stick around with someone like that
I hated it I'd be mad for like weeks I
didn't even want him to put his hand on
my leg in so three years after I just
like this light bulb went off after
going to Bible School and learning that
God wants good things first and
everything in that as awesome comes from
Jesus and all these bad things anything
that's bad and hurts us and makes you
suffer that's the devil and in it so
that is it's not obviously God's will
for your life and if it's not as well it
doesn't have to be there and so I don't
have to put up with it I don't have to
live with it I do not have to put up
with it I do not just have to say well
that's my lot it can't be perfect it can
be can be heaven our lives can be a
little taste of heaven here on this
earth why should we accept the suffering
I want it and I told one three years
after being married I like his light
bulb went off on my head and I said God
this is not right
I said God this is not right
I said god I'm not gonna be some 80 year
old couple and I'm doing gardening and
I'm still struggling with the same
problem I said God there's not it's not
fair that he loves this relationship
more than I do it is not fair that he
loves me and he gets more out of this
relationship than I get because this
relationship justice isn't just a gift
for him it's a gift for me and it's not
very much of a gift right now so God you
gotta set me free you gotta set me free
you gotta set me free I said God if you
don't set me free something else is
gonna happen you either set me free or
something else is gonna happen and that
just started pressing in because they
told us in Bible School they said when
you get hungry just eat Richard Moore he
would say this is what I concur is he
said you picture someone putting your
head under water and there you're under
water and they're holding you underwater
and you can't breathe and the only thing
in the world you're thinking right then
is I need air I need air you're not
thinking about anything else you're not
thinking about your palms you're not
thinking about your grocery list you're
not thinking about even why does this
guy not like me all you think is I need
air or I will die and he said when you
get that hungry for God God will move
and we were taught about the woman with
the issue of blood how today was how she
suffered for 12 years many things and
many physicians and was weather was
worse and when she heard that Jesus was
coming she said in herself if I may
touch him by his clothes I shall be made
whole and she said today is my day she
suffered for many years and so anyways I
like that woman I started pressing in I
started pressing in and I said God you
gotta set me free every service I was he
and I was like God you gotta set me free
you gotta set me free you gotta set me
free Lord you gotta set me free and
about a year later while Brock and I
were being intimate the power of God
came in the room and it was the most
wonderful beautiful thing I'd ever
experienced in my whole entire life and
after when I went into my bathroom and I
sat on the floor and I cried aloud for
over an hour because it was the most
wonderful thing I'd ever experienced I
didn't even know it could be that great
it was the most awesome thing I've ever
experienced and for the next three
months I was it was like I was like a
teenager like madly deeply in love like
a cheerleader would be up for the
football player I'm talking I had a
crush on my husband
[Applause]
and God sent me totally free God sent me
totally free totally free totally free
you know what I assumed I and just now
I've become such a girl it's not even
funny I'm telling you I always tell just
a couple years ago you know just a
couple years ago I was in church and I
just was we were singing the dance with
me Oh lover of my soul and I just like I
always just felt like I was dancing I'm
talking like a Disney Princess and her
ball is like and I went I told my friend
I said I felt I felt like a princess and
that's what's coming out of my mouth
that's like the stupidest thing on the
planet that I would have ever said in my
life I would never have said I felt like
a princess but I did and Jesus totally
made me feel like a princess and I'm so
different
god is so awesome God is so awesome
and you know what I would not be this
way if it wasn't for my husband and god
of course sticking with me and loving me
bring your girls bring the girls look at
this wonderful family come cinavia
[Applause]