-Welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
Thank you very much. That was --
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow!
-That applause lasted longer than Tom Brady's retirement.
-Whoa! [ Laughter ]
-That's right. Yesterday, Tom Brady
called off his retirement
and announced that he will return next season
to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
Basically, Brady saw gas prices and said, "Back to work.
Here we go." [ Laughter ]
That's right, Tom Brady is back, and once again,
he made history as the first person
to ever move to Florida and unretire.
[ Laughter ]
Brady's retirement lasted 40 days.
In other words, he pretty much gave up football for Lent.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, he was only retired for six weeks.
His kids are like, "Is it something we said?
I, uh..." [ Laughter ]
I have a feeling Brady's gonna be like one of those bands
that keep going on their farewell tour.
It's like, "This is our last tour, this year.
[ Laughter ]
Everyone's pumped that Brady's back.
Well, except for maybe this guy.
-Hours before Brady announced his return,
an auction took place for the football he used
to throw his final touchdown pass.
The winning bid was more than $500,000.
-The auctioneer was like, "Sold to the guy
with really bad timing. Yeah, there you go.
You got it." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, it went from Tom Brady's last touchdown ball to a ball.
[ Laughter ]
In other sports news,
March Madness has officially begun.
[ Cheers and applause ]
March Madness!
People -- People also call it the Big Dance,
the Road to the Final Four,
and Adults Yelling at College Kids They Don't Know.
You know. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, I saw that Yale made it to the tournament this year,
but only 'cause their dad made a phone call.
[ Laughter ]
Well, switching gears, Uber just announced
that customers will pay an additional charge
to help its drivers offset high gas prices.
Yeah, Uber's adding a surcharge for gas.
You know it's bad when the driver shows up
on foot and says, "Let's take your car."
[ Laughter ]
"That's a nice one."
Yep, things are rough now.
If you want heat or A.C., the driver just blows on you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Exhaling heavily ]
Some more business news -- I read that, due to inflation,
Doritos has been putting five fewer chips in each bag.
[ Laughter ]
And if you noticed the change,
you've got bigger problems than inflation.
[ Laughter ]
"W-W-What?!
Normally, there's 48 chips in the bag."
-"I've been robbed!" -"I'm only counting 43."
[ Laughter ]
-"Mother!"
[ Laughter ]
-Even worse, today, at the grocery store, I saw this --
one Pringle.
[ Laughter ]
One -- -Just says "Pringle."
-Yeah, Pringle. -Not Pringles.
Yeah, still hard to get your hand in there, too.
I don't know why. [ Laughter ]
-And it's still broken.
-Get this -- today, Apple released an update
that lets you use Face ID to unlock your phone
while wearing a mask. -Ooh.
-Even the guy who bought Tom Brady's football
was like, "Great timing."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I saw that the TSA issued a statement
asking spring break travelers to be respectful.
[ Laughter ]
They tried putting up a sign, but spring breakers
immediately drew a penis on it.
And they were like, "All right, all right.
"We get it, we get it. We get it."
I heard about a man in Florida
who was arrested after he called 9-1-1 to check
if the meth that he bought was authentic.
[ Laughter ]
In other words, spring break has officially sprung.
It's happening. It's spring break.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The guy was so embarrassed, he sent his friends this emoji.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a woman in the U.K. who just turned 102 says
she credits her good health to Jagerbombs, tequila, and pizza.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, then Prince Charles was like, "Okay, Mum,
let's get you to bed."
All right, we have a great show, everyone!